A Hole in the World
by Future Memory
Summary: My version of season 5 written from Stefan's perspective. Will months under water leave a trace on Stefan, and in what way? How will having a doppelganger effect him, and his relationship with Elena?
1. Chapter 1

**_Hi, and welcome to my new story :) So, basically, this is my version of season 5 written from Stefan's point of view. I'll pick up from where we left of in season 4, which means Damon and Elena together and Stefan acting like a vampire submarine in the bottom of a lake. That being said I won't write any romantic Delena scenes because I'm not a masochist, their relationship will be merely mentioned and yes, there will be Stelena because hey, this is me after all. I'm not sure about all the other couples, I think I'll just go with the flow when it comes to them, if and when I get an idea concerning them. I will write strictly from Stefan's pov, even though there might be few small parts where other characters are talking without him actually being around. I'll keep the characters in character, or at least I'll try to. I hope you' will like it :)_**

* * *

_Vampires do not require sleep, so it's surprising how fast they embrace it once it comes._

_Their process of falling asleep lacks few details which make comfortable slumber less comfortable, or at least less appealing. There's no lying awake for few minutes, feeling the darkness fall all over you, feeling the sleep creeping through your mind after few minutes of having your eyes closed. They do not experience tiredness either, which is why lying in bed with your eyes closed is not a luxury for them, it's an unnecessary waste of time. _

_They simply do not get it, feeling like you're floating on a cloud, blanket over your bare skin, wind rustling through your hair._

_Elena remembers that feeling very well since she was a human not so long ago. Damon says it will disappear with years, those little things, small details which make you truly human. Like falling asleep or taste of chocolate on the tip of your tongue or wrapping your fingers around a boiling cup of tea._

_Being able to remember the experience, but not being able to live it is one of the worst feelings in the world, which is why Elena became weary to sleep. It would come to her in a second, so fast that when she woke up she wouldn't even remember closing her eyes. She would also wake up with a hole full of disappointment in the pit of her stomach._

_She slept only when it was highly necessary, or when everyone else did._

_But lately she's been looking forward to it, to those few hours she could spend truly dead, but feeling completely and utterly alive. Something has been calling for her, not inviting her, but begging her to come. _

_Her eyelids fall closed and she travels. Darkness surrounds her, nothingness. Then the mist appears. Trails of white in the eternal blackness of despair. Spots, freckles, until it's covering the whole surface, which is infinitive._

_First it starts with a name. Her name. Elena. The voice is hoarse, heavy. She doesn't recognize it, but it makes her feel like she's blushing, like her cheeks are burning with a color of fire. It makes her feel like the voice is closer than it actually is. She can feel it tapping its fingertips on the edge of her mind._

_She dreams of the voice which keeps calling her name repetitively. She can see it as darkness turns into colors of the rainbow which disappear as grayness takes over._

_Darkness and colors and the voice, everything disappears when the grayness takes its turn in controlling her dream. It feels like someone is tearing a thin sheet of paper in half._

_Water starts pouring from nowhere into everywhere. She can still hear her name over the murmur of water. The voice is hushed now, like it doesn't believe in the possibility of being heard. She can see the outlines of someones face. Sandy hair. Hard jaw. Soft cheekbones. _

_When she wakes up she realizes it wasn't a dream, it was a nightmare. Or both._

_Or a warning._

_She speaks to nobody about it, but she can still hear the voice long after she wakes up, calling her, luring her into sleep. Like it wants to show her something._

_It's always calling. It's always the same word._

_Elena._

* * *

It's been 86 days. Or at least I think so. Time is slipping through my fingers like sand. In the beginning I was counting hours as well, but after some time I lost track of them. I'm getting weaker and weaker with every hour, and every time I fall unconscious, or die, or whatever the hell is happening to me, it lasts longer that it did the last time.

Maybe few minutes longer, maybe few hours, or maybe a whole day. I'm not sure.

I'm not even sure the world exists anymore, or that I do.

My lungs keep filling with water like balloons. When there's too much water in them they pop, like someone pierced them with a needle, and I can hear the sound drumming inside of my ears. There's no more air. My eyelids flutter and everything disappears.

Then I wake up with empty lungs and screams no one can hear because the water and steel work together to muffle them and the nightmare starts again.

_How did you spend your Summer?_

_Oh, you know, drowning million of times during three months which feel like three centuries, locked in a steel box by my evil doppelganger, waiting for someone to come and this may surprise you but, no one ever did. No matter who I called for and how many times, no one ever came. So, that's how I spent my Summer, you know, the usual._

It's been 86 days but don't hold on my word because I'm running out of days.

Whenever I pass out or die or whatever, I have this weird dream which doesn't feel like a dream at all but what else could it be? I'm floating in the black surrounding, there's nothing around me, nothing at all. Mist appears around me, shinning my way and my features and the water starts pouring from the edges of blackness and I feel like waves are washing me over to the shore. I find myself in a room I don't recognize and I wonder how can I dream about a room I have no memory of.

I recognize the person sleeping in the room, though.

_Elena._

She's sleeping. I try to say her name, I try to scream it, but the only thing that comes out is a whisper. My voice is as gentle and soft as the sound of her name or seeing it on paper. _Elena._

I move towards her, my step is so light until I realize I'm still floating, I'm not even touching the floor.

Every time I try to reach out for her, to touch her, I wake up. I never learn on my mistakes. Sometimes I try to restrain myself so I can stay longer, but my hand always flies towards her involuntary.

Since the first time I dreamed about her I keep calling for her even when I'm conscious. I'm not sure why because she never comes, she never wakes up. Why would she, anyway?

She chose not to be with me. Maybe this is my punishment for wishing she would chose me above him.

Oh, here we go again. My lungs are falling apart, stitch by stitch. They're so heavy I wish they leave my body already. I can't handle how they're pressing so close to every organ in their proximity. My lips fall open, my nostrils do not twitch anymore, my heart is more dead than it usually is. _Boom._ My lungs explode and the water washes over my insides. _Boom, boom, boom,_ it keeps drumming in my ears, like feet hitting the pavement while running.

My eyelids flutter before falling down.

Darkness surrounds me.

* * *

I'm moving. I'm falling unconscious again, but I can feel movement. I feel like I'm in a boat, under the decks, moving through the water. I fight to stay conscious but the water is still leaking through every pore of my body.

The next thing I know I can feel blood on my lips. It pours into my throat and I almost choke on it because I think it's water, coming to fill my lungs, coming to rip my away from the world a little bit more. When I realize it's blood, I feel like my insides are smiling. I pull some more blood from the bag, then more, more, more until nothing is left and the new blood bag replaces it.

I'm so hungry.

Honestly, I would prefer plunging my fangs into an artery which contains infinity of hot blood, and I would drink until there's no more space in my body, until I feel wobbly and sick, until I pass out and wake up only to find myself hungry again.

I want to say this to them, whoever they are, whoever saved me, and I don't even care what their reaction would be.

But I don't even have enough strength to open my eyes, so I clearly can't say a word.

Cold blood from the bag will have to do. For now.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel like I am crazy.

Strength surges through my body like electricity. My hearing is sharpened, the sounds surrounding me are clear again. There's no more drumming in my ears and it's not like I'm going to miss it.

I can hear the murmur of water and rustling of leaves on the trees and low hum of the night. I know this sounds cheesy but the world is a really beautiful place with all of its little magnificent details we take for granted every single day. After three months in a box underwater you come to realize that.

I'm lying on the ground, the ground under me is muddy probably because I was laid on it while still wet. I'm still wet. My clothes is so close to my skin like it's trying to sink into me. My hair is sticking to my forehead and my skin feels like rusty leaves. When I touch the ground with my fingertips I feel like it's going to swallow me whole. My fingers are turning into dust when I press them onto the ground.

I can smell the unpleasant scent of stale water and the sweet scent of blood while it keeps pouring down my throat, while I keep gulping hungrily.

The voices are so clear and so close now. Damon. Elena. Elena. Damon.

_Is he okay? Is he alive? Is he drinking? I think I saw his eyelids flutter. His fingers are pressing onto to the ground. He looks so pale. He looks like he's falling apart._

I am falling apart. I've been falling apart for a long time now.

I can smell her and not in that weird way vampires can smell everything and everyone, like animals. I can really smell her. I can smell the almond lotion coating her skin, the one she used to keep in the corner of shower cabin in my bathroom. I can smell vanilla shampoo in her long, hazelnut hair and it's tickling my senses. Also the smell of new clothes because Elena has zero knowledge on how to do her laundry.

On top of all those scents is Damon's bourbon and I don't know if it's coming from him or her but it makes me sick to the stomach.

Maybe I've had enough. I gather enough strength to raise my hand and shove the bag from my lips.

I can't will myself to open my eyes because I'm not ready to scan her face with my tired eyes, I'm not ready to look in her eyes which are the color of chocolate, and I'm not ready to remind myself I'm not allowed to move her hair from her face when it falls in her eyes and she's too lazy to do it herself. I'm also not ready to look at my brother because I want to hate him but I can't even will myself to dislike a shitload of his imperfections and that only makes me hate myself more than I already do. I wonder is it a coincidence that I've been drowning in the color of his eyes for three months straight.

Or maybe it's been a week. Or a year. I have no idea.

I can feel her fingers on my cheek and I know it's her because how can you ever forget the touch of a woman who loved you and hurt you more than anyone else ever did? I tense under her touch and she notices it for sure.

"Stefan," her voice is hoarse and heavy, light and soft, and for a moment I don't know am I hearing it or remembering it.

_Stefan._

Now she's the one who keeps calling my name.

* * *

They take me home.

_Home._ It tastes salty in my mouth. It tastes wrong.

These thick walls which are never thick enough to protect us, old furniture which somehow manages to look new year after year, people in it. This place used to be my home, where my brother drank his alcohol and played piano when he thought no one was listening. Where I wrote in my diary so I can keep track of my thoughts and where all of my books live. Where Elena used to wake up next to me, hear head on my chest, her arm around mine, her hair under my nose.

This place never felt so much less than a home than it does in this moment.

_How are you feeling brother?_

_Wet._

_Damon chuckles. Elena stays silent, buried in place like a statue, as if she doesn't know what to do with herself._

_Let's take you home, we can talk there._

_Okay._

When we move into the living room, there she is, sitting on a couch. Big, blond curls are sitting silently on her tense shoulders. There's a light frown on her face, her eyebrows are close together and she keeps crinkling her nose like there's an itch she's too lazy to scratch. When she notices us standing there she forces a smile to her lips. She stands up abruptly, faster than my eyes can follow and throws her arms around me, pulling me closer to her.

"Stefan," she gasps my name, shutting her eyes closed, like this is a dream and she doesn't want to let it escape.

I bury my face in her hair, the lavender scent of her shampoo invading my nostrils. "Caroline," until now I didn't even realize how much I actually miss her.

She lets go of me, but keeps her fingers wrapped around my arms, checking me out, like she wants to convince herself I'm really here. She keeps taking me in for few more seconds when she finally says, "Thank god, I was worried you will turn into a fish!"

Elena takes a small, but loud, intake of air, but I chuckle. "Nope," I shake my head for emphasis, "But SpongeBob? It's all true. There's a whole world we know nothing about, Caroline," I make her smile and think how this is the best thing a person can do - make someone else smile, when I realize she would probably smile to anything I say at this moment.

I smile after her nevertheless, and soon enough both of us are laughing.

This is what means to have a best friend. Someone you can always count on to say the most inappropriate thing at the worst time and make you laugh when you want to go on a killing spree.

Damon puts an end to our charade, and Caroline looks at him sharply.

That's my girl, always giving my brother an evil eye. Sometimes I live ferociously through her.

We all sit down, and Damon pours some alcohol for each of us. Caroline and Elena decline, but instead of the glass he's offering me, I snap the bottle out of his hand and gulp a half of it in one breath. Their eyes go wide as they settle on me, but no one says anything. That's the beauty of it, there's nothing to say. It's like bringing your family member home from the hospital and asking them are they sure they want to eat the whole piece of cake.

I fall into the couch, sinking in it. "So, how long has it been?"

I've noticed it's still pleasantly warm outside so I'm thinking couple of months.

"Little less than three months," Caroline answers shamefully.

I nod. "Well, I would have preferred Bora, Bora, but.." Caroline's smile is so fake and Elena looks so uncomfortable it almost hurts me to live. "So what did you guys do?" I try to keep this low key. I do not want them coddling me like an infant.

"Elena and me started college," Caroline says proudly. I'm glad she's cooperating.

"First they let you guys graduate, and now they let you into college?" I smirk, because it's true. If it weren't for compulsion these girls wouldn't graduate even if their life depended on it. "Mystic Falls is a very desperate place."

There's more than one meaning to this sentence but none of them pick up on it since Caroline laughs and this time it's not forced.

Caroline Forbes has the most beautiful laugh you have ever heard in your life. I know I should be saying this about the woman I love, but Elena sounds like a choking horse while laughing. Now, her smile is a completely different story, I bet it could cure cancer, but her laugh scares children.

Caroline on the other hand laughs gracefully.

"And you brother?" I shift my attention to Damon, my look piercing through him, "What did you do? Play jigsaw? Write poetry? Act like one of those old, stalker boyfriends on campus?"

This is the first time I make a reference to Damon and Elena's relationship (it's not like I had more time, being busy buried alive and all), and there's so much tension in the room you could cut it with a knife.

Don't get me wrong, if Elena was still with me I probably wouldn't let her leave the bed either, but if my brother weren't picking up my calls for three months I would tell her listen, I really have to leave you now to find my brother since we're almost two centuries old and he's the only family I have since everyone we knew are pretty much dead. Pretty much being key words.

Damon doesn't answer though, he smirks in that annoying way of his when he has nothing to say so he thinks that grimace is enough, and sips on his drink.

"So, how did you know?" I ask curiously.

"You weren't returning Caroline's calls," and so she speaks. Her voice is soft, like silk, and in a way, the drumming sound is back. But it's not the sound of my lungs exploding, but of my heart trying to beat through my chest.

"Excuse me?" I ask confused, because really? That was their major clue?

"It made sense for you to avoid mine, or Damon's calls, because.." she stops herself. Remember no humanity Elena? Sometimes I miss her. At least she had guts to say it.

Is she feeling guilt? Shame? Or is she just uncomfortable?

"But when Caroline told us you're avoiding her calls as well, we knew something is wrong."

I turn to Caroline. "Sorry, reception wasn't so good down there. I left a complaint, though."

She smiles uncomfortably.

It seems like their sense of humor drowned with me.

"Then there's Silas," Damon continues, the look in his eyes distant.

"I'll be damned, he actually stayed here," I ponder over my own words, because that seems like a really dumb idea. So there must be something for him here.

"He always looked like you.." Elena's voice is distant now.

"You thought he's me?" I cock my eyebrow at no one exactly, but at all of them at once.

Their silence is my answer.

I can't fucking believe this. Some guy strolls in town with my face and they can't tell a fucking difference between me and a million years old warlock. Remember when Katherine came into town? I knew it's not Elena the moment I pulled her into a hug. Silas was fooling them three whole months.

"Like I said - " Elena tries to defend them, or maybe just herself.

"Yeah, I know, he always looked like me," I roll my eyes so hard that for a moment I think they're going to fall out of my skull, "It's because he looks like me."

"What?" all of them say at the same time, surprised.

"He looks like me," I lock my eyes on Elena, "It seems you're not the only one with a doppelganger," I say to her.

"What?" she asks again. Sometimes she can be really daft. You're not supposed to think that about the woman you love, right?

I wiggle my brows. "Are you jealous?" I joke, but she just keeps looking at me like she can't recognize me.

"How do you know?" Damon basically spits those words on me.

"He told me right before he packed me like a meat stash."

"Oh," Damon throws his arms, "Then it must be true."

Is he really going to fight me on this? Because I haven't punched anyone in a long time.

"How is that even possible?" Elena is still in a daze.

"I have no idea," I shrug, "I wasn't able to play Sherlock Holmes since I was dying few times a day for three months," I say calmly. There's no bitterness or spitefulness in my voice, but Elena still flinches.

"We'll have to ask Bonnie when she comes back," Caroline adds before either of us says anything else. You know how I said Caroline can say the most inappropriate thing? Well, she knows how to do the opposite as well.

Wait, when Bonnie comes back? Are these people on crack? I'm too tired to ask, though.

"How did you know where I am, though?" I furrow my brows, my own curiosity surfacing.

Caroline looks at Elena, Elena looks at me with her doe eyes, and Damon looks at the floor.

"I had this dream," she says with the most dramatic voice I've heard which creates a hole in my stomach. Please don't mention the darkness. And the mist. And me standing over you while you're sleeping. Or me calling your name. "It was dark," she continues. Fuck.

So yeah, she says all the things I hoped she won't say, except me standing over her bed. In her version she saw me drowning even though in the beginning she didn't know it was me, she couldn't tell. I guess I remember the dream from my own perspective, not hers.

How is this possible, though? Was I in her dream? Was she in mine? Did our dreams collide?

I do not tell her about me dreaming the exact same thing. I'm not ready for that conversation or more questions or anything else, to be honest.

I'm so tired. It's funny, people would think I would be weary to close my eyes again, but that's exactly what I want to do. I want to sleep.

"I'm tired," I say as I stand up, "Is my room still there or did you guy turn it into a gym?"

Why are everyone staring at me like that?

"It's there," it's Damon who speaks, and I move upstairs before anyone gets a chance to stop me.

* * *

My room looks exactly the same. It's like no one was here since I left. No one probably was.

My bed. Writing desk. Books. A lot of junk.

A lot of memories.

When I turn the lights on they're dim, as always. Just the way I like it.

I walk over to the table in the middle of the room and there it is, like seeing her isn't painful enough.

I grab the wooden frame and lift it in the air. A picture. A reminder. Seems like a lifetime ago. Maybe it was. She's wearing that necklace in the picture, the one I gave her. It's completely absurd how much her not wearing that necklace anymore hurts. It's like that piece of jewelry represented something, represented us.

I tighten my grip around it. All of a sudden I'm angry. No, I'm furious. I want to throw it in a wall, out the window, into the fireplace. I want it far away from me. I have a feeling like getting rid of this picture will also help me get rid of every memory.

You know what sucks the most? You fall in love with someone, and they fall in love with you. And you're 160 years old but you don't feel a day older than 17. Your life is a fucking catastrophe, it's like being involved in this constant war with a world around yourself, but somehow being with this person makes everything better. Even when you don't see them or kiss them or hug them for days just the idea of being with them makes everything better. And when you finally get to do all those things it's the best feeling in the world. You feel like you never kissed anyone before.

I mean, I get it. People break up. Shit happens, life happens, people fall out of love and you can't expect them not to fall in love again. But did it have to be my brother? I just want to scream from the top of my lungs at the universe, _did it have to be my brother?_ How unfair is that? Why did he have to come here and meet here and fall in love with her and why did she have to fall in love with him? When did she fall in love with him and what did I do wrong and why wasn't I enough? I'm so angry at them for falling in love with each other and so angry at myself for not being good enough that I want to burn the whole world down. I have a feeling I would, starting from this house, if she wasn't standing there on the doorway.

"Can I help you with something?" I put the picture on the table, head down, so she doesn't see what I've been looking at if she moves deeper into the room.

That's one more thing about Elena. The way I can feel her, constantly. It's not one of those useful vampire tactics where we can smell and feel everything around us to protect ourselves. All of my organs collapse when I feel her near. My blood stops pumping through my veins and my heart keeps squeezing inside of my chest but there's nothing coming out of it and I hold my breath until I realize I have no breath. I feel like I'm sinking into quicksand and when she appears in front of me she pulls me right up.

"I just wanted to see how you're doing," she says silently.

I turn around and she's so beautiful like a secret hiding spot you used to have as a child but haven't been there for quite some time so when you go back there you remember why you thought it's beautiful in the first place. I want to walk over to her and hug her and kiss her and screw her brains out but I can't. You know why? Because she's with my brother.

And my anger resurfaces.

Still, I can't keep myself from wondering does he appreciate the same things I did when it comes to her and does he find that small, heart shaped mole on her back adorable. Damon is not a kind of person to notice these things but I hope for her he is so that me acting like this is okay with me is actually worth something. I really do hope he loves her in a way he didn't know how to love anyone before her and that for her he's someone he never knew how to be when it comes to me so all of this pain can actually be for something.

I turn around. "I'm glorious."

She stills her eyes on me. "If you ever want to talk," she starts talking.

"I do not need a therapist," I snap at her even though it wasn't my attention.

Her eyes go wide. "No, but I thought maybe you need a - "

"Friend?" I finish for her, hoping she will realize how ridiculous all of this is.

I think this is the moment where I decide I don't love her anymore.

No, I'm pretty sure.

See? It's not here anymore. Puff. Gone.

"Thanks, but I already have a friend," I snap once again, this time it was my attention to do so.

She's in shock. She just keeps staring at me for few moments until she finally nods, "It's okay, me and Caroline have to go back to campus anyway."

I don't say anything to that so she turns around and leaves.

I wish she screamed at me. I wish she snapped back at me. I wish she said _what the hell, Stefan?_

But no, she's probably thinking _hey, the guy was dying while I was screwing his brother, so I'll let it pass._

I wonder how many times can she let is pass before she explodes.

* * *

_**AN: So, should I keep writing this? What did you think of the first chapter?**_

_**I'm not writing Stefan ooc, but I'm not going to write him all broody and mopey and stuff. I'm going to handle his issues in another way, he's not going to be asshole in a Damon kind of way, but he also won't keep feeling sorry for himself and he won't let anyone else feel sorry for him either. Honestly, imo, it leaves a lot more room for character development than if you write a character in a redeeming way from the beginning. I hope you trust me on this one! :)**_

_**A bit on Stefan and Elena's dreams. I actually took that bit from the original books. When Elena died she was able to come to Stefan's dreams to warn him of upcoming danger. I know Stefan wasn't dead, but he was basically somewhere in between at times. Also, in the books it happened abruptly, but I'm going to give it a meaning. More about that later.**_

_**Tell me how you feel about it in the reviews! :)**_


	2. Chapter 2

I keep having the same dream.

I woke up couple of times during the night, bathed in my own sweat. Every time I go back to sleep, the dream reappears as soon as I close my eyes.

In the dream I am confined in a small space. There's darkness everywhere. Then I feel it. Water. Pouring in. My clothes are wet, my skin slippery, water is filling my ears and mouth and nostrils until it fills my lungs and they explode. My whole body explodes with them.

Which is when I wake up, sweaty and panting.

_It's not real, it's only a nightmare,_ I tell myself a couple of times as my head falls back on the pillow. But it's hard to trust my own words since not so long ago it was real. A living nightmare.

After few times of waking up and falling asleep again I give up. I check my phone, it's little past 8 am. There's a text from Caroline.

_Caroline: come 2 campus?_

_Me: sure, when?_

_Caroline: now! bring coffee!_

_Me: on my way_

This must be a crisis. Sometimes I don't know which is worse, Caroline on caffeine, or Caroline without caffeine.

I take a quick shower and change my clothes since the one I'm wearing now is all crumbled and sweaty. I grab the keys from my motorcycle and when I come downstairs I see Jeremy eating cereal in the living room.

"Hey, Jeremy," I greet him on my way outside.

Wait, Jeremy? What is he doing here?

I take few steps back and stumble into the living room. He's already looking in my direction, a spoon full of cereal stuck in his mouth.

"What are you doing here?" I ask confused.

"I live here now, since my sister burned down our house," he says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

After Jeremy died, Elena went crazy, struck with pain, so Damon took her humanity away. If she has no humanity she can't feel anything, which means she can't feel pain either. My brother and his genius plans. Of course, this one came back to bite him in the ass as every other plan he ever had, and it bit all of us as well.

See, Damon might have known his plan will never work if he actually had to live one second with his humanity turned off. He never truly had it to turned off, he just acted like an ass so people would believe he does.

There's no magic switch. There's only you. And a hole in your body where every feeling you ever had was stored. Emptiness. All you can feel is emptiness and that's what drives you crazy. The lack of feelings, not the disappearance of them. They're always there, inside of you, just shifted somewhere where you can't feel them. It's like having your heart positioned on the other side of your body.

Since my brother doesn't know that, he had no idea how to help Elena. I had zero problems with stepping in. I did not ask for anything in return, the thought never even crossed my mind, because the woman I loved was having difficulties and it's only natural to help her. That never stopped me from hoping that she will remember who was by her side and who knew what to do when no one else did. Maybe she did remember, maybe she just didn't care. When she gave me this whole speech about wanting to thank me for being such a great guy and helping her through it all I knew shit had hit the fan. Then she gave me the cure as if she wasn't listening me at all. Like I would want to be human if she weren't by my side. That's not a speech you give to someone with whom you want to be.

It's a speech you give to someone when you're saying goodbye.

"So she left you here? With Damon? All alone?" I ask in disbelief. Remember how I said Elena knows to be a little daft? Well, I think this year she's scoring for a full blown stupid. Damon barely remembers to take care of himself.

Jeremy nods. "Do you have a problem with me being here?" he asks in that defensive way of his.

I shake my head because this is a big house and if I want to avoid anyone, I can. "I just thought you would be more comfortable with Tyler or Matt." Or on a bench in a park.

"He's fine," Damon strolls into the room.

Jeremy goes back to eating his cereal, and I turn to leave.

"Stefan," he calls for me, "We have to talk," he says as if he's my mom and just found out that I'm flunking math.

"About what?" I find myself using a defensive tone of voice as well.

"You were gone for a long time," he says calmly. _No shit._ "We have some catching up to do. About Silas. And there's something you have to know about - "

My phone chimes. Saved by the bell.

_Caroline: where r u?_

"This will have to wait," I shove his words away, "If Caroline doesn't have her coffee we will have to think of a way to cover mass murder."

Jeremy chuckles because he knows it's true but Damon's face is straight because a) he doesn't think it's funny b) he doesn't know Caroline well enough to think it's funny. Or both.

"See you later," I wave to them, but then my eyes fall on Jeremy and a smirk appears on my face, "And Damon, no playing with Jeremy's neck, Elena might not like it. You know how she was the last time, hating you for two hours straight and all." True, that was before he found his way in her pants.

The last thing I see are Damon's eyes going wide in shock. I hear Jeremy laugh. "It's about time someone called you out on your shit," I hear him say before disappearing outside.

* * *

There's no _how are you feeling today, brother? Did you sleep well? Is there anything you need?_ There's just _we need answers, provide us with answers, we need to catch up._

Sometimes it strikes me how little Damon actually cares.

I'm angry with him, I'm angry with everyone, and my anger rises until I forget the initial reason why I was angry with them. Reasons just keep piling up, and I realize how many things I've let go over the past few years.

Then I remember that I don't want him, that I don't _need_ him, or anyone else asking me those questions. I just want to forget.

Fortunately Caroline doesn't send me any more angry texts, and I decide she deserves a bear claw for being so patient. Caroline is probably the only vampire who still enjoys food. She says she can imagine the taste in her mouth and I feel too bad to tell her that that ability will go away. After few years everything will become tasteless, even imagination.

I leave my bike on the parking lot and I can see two girls looking at me. I wink at them and they giggle. I have no time for this because when I said Caroline might commit murder if she doesn't have her coffee, well, I wasn't joking.

Thankfully I wasn't too late. I can see her walking towards me, messenger bag over her shoulder, books in her hand which completely beats the point of the bag but knowing Caroline she probably has a reason for that. When her eyes fall on me she doesn't seem angry, her whole being lights up when she pulls an addictive smile over her lips.

"Umm, excuse me?" I hear a plain voice as I keep walking towards Caroline. I'm not even sure it's addressing me, it's hard to know when you can hear almost every conversation on campus, but I shift my attention to it nevertheless.

When I was with Elena I wasn't even noticing other girls. There was no need. I was completely and utterly in love with her and when you're as old as me checking out random girls in the school hallways becomes unnecessary because you're looking for something else. That left Elena little space for jealousy, even though I found other ways to make her feel wanted.

"Yes?" I smile. This girl is not one of those girls who take your breath away when they walk into a room, but she's beautiful in all the ways other girls aren't, when you look at her closely. Honestly, this goes for any girl, and if you're willing to look for it, you will find those little things which make them beautiful in their own way.

"Do you know where - " she starts saying, clearly lost, but I cut her before she can finish her sentence.

"I don't go here," I say as politely as I can, "I'm just visiting."

When she raises her look from the campus map she's holding I can see a smile dancing around her features. She notices a paper bag in my hand, the smell of coffee pouring out of it, and she probably notices Caroline walking in our direction, her face most likely painted with anger because I paid my attention to someone else before providing her with what she wants, and the girl probably gets the wrong impression because she clears her throat with a cough as her smile disappears and a frown appears on her face. She thanks me anyway, keeping her look down and leaves.

Doesn't even matter. She was too much like Elena. _She was too little like Elena._

"A bite or long term?" I hear Caroline's voice behind me and I turn to her with my brows knitted together, "Or a long term bite?" she frowns.

I have no idea what she's talking about. "Yes Caroline, I'm fine, good morning to you too," I say sarcastically, but it's like she can't even hear me.

"It better be long term because I would hate to think you're keeping my coffee from me because of dinner," she crosses her arms over her chest.

I decide to bite in. "What are you talking about?"

She rolls her eyes. "The girl you were just talking to," she says like it's the most obvious thing in the world.

Sometimes I would like to find out how her mind works, but most of the time I'm too scared to know.

I push the brown bag in her direction. "Here is your coffee," she grabs it hungrily, "And a bear claw as an apology for being late."

Her eyes smile at me, "Thank you!" she moans when her lips come in contact with the coffee cup, "There's no Starbucks around here, so you're my hero!" for a moment she looks like she's going to hug me but thinks better of it.

We walk over to the empty picnic table and occupy it.

My next question comes out of blue, "What do women want?" I ask myself as much as I ask her.

She shakes her head, her lips still pressing onto a cup, "It's a top secret and if I told you, you would only use it against us," she seems to think for few seconds before saying, "Unless you're gay."

"Not in this century."

That makes her laugh and I enjoy the sight and sound of it. Like I said, repetitively dying for three months makes you appreciate little, everyday things.

"Seriously, though," I say, aware that my look is distant now, like I'm searching for something, "You treat them badly, you're an asshole. When you treat them just right, they go an screw your brother. Who treated them like he's an asshole," I say a little bit bitterly. Okay, a lot bitterly. Because he is an asshole, or at least he was towards her.

Caroline's whole body stiffens and she stills her look on me, carefully. "So, that topic is on the table for discussion?"

"Depends, is the topic of you and Klaus on the table for discussion?" I snap at her and regret it immediately. In that moment I decide to keep Caroline out of the rebellious outburst that seems to be possessing me recently. As of yesterday, more precisely.

Her eyes go wide and her lips shape in a little _o_ when she notices an apologetic look on my face.

I know Caroline felt a decent amount of attraction towards Klaus, but I also think she would never act on it, or let it grow into anything else. Well, I also thought Elena would never leave me for Damon, so you never know.

I was constantly scared she would, though, leave me for him, so maybe on some subconscious level I knew. I always prescribed it to our history, because I could always feel it, that thing between Damon and Elena I wasn't a part of. With time I started feeling like one part of her wasn't with either me or her, but with him. She would hug me and kiss me and reassure me she loves me and that she's with me, and I believed her. I guess that was my mistake.

So Caroline decides to give me another pass and I wonder how much more does she have to give.

"You sound bitter," she snickers.

"There aren't many perks of being 17 years old forever," I steal a piece of her bear claw because she's enjoying it and I never enjoyed a bear claw, but when I put it in my mouth it's still the same. Tasteless. "But it gives me right to be bitter and spiteful and mean after a break up like any other 17 year old hormonal bomb."

I think I deserve that much.

This makes Caroline smile with that genuine smile of hers where she pulls the corners of her lips up just enough to make you want to see more.

"How are things with Tyler?" I ask when I realize all of her attention has been on me, so I decide to pay her back for it.

She sighs. "Well," her voice becomes hoarse all of a sudden, "I wouldn't know since he's not home yet," she says these words like she's been holding them inside of her for an eternity and is relieved to finally let them out.

I frown so much my face hurts. "How come? Klaus is gone," which means Tyler is free to come home without being in danger. He would probably be safer here than anywhere else.

Her whole face drops. "He says he needs more time."

I decide to let it go, even though I have so much more questions, because Caroline doesn't seem in the mood to answer them, but she would never refuse me.

"Oh!" after few minutes of silence a spark appears in her eyes, "I almost forgot!" she throws her messenger bag on the table and opens it. Now I know why there's not any room in it for books, make up and spare clothes take up all the space. I'm not sure why she's carrying it around since she lives on campus, but I know better than to ask. She struggles to find what she's looking for when after few moments she takes out a crumbled flyer. "Here!" she straightens it out before showing it to me.

A party. A college party. Free booze, terrible music, easy girls.

I hate all of those things. Or at least I used to.

"Great, I'm in," I say casually.

She doesn't even try to hide the shock on her face. "Well, this was easy.." her eyes go wide when she notices something behind me. I don't even have to turn around to know who it is. I can feel her. "Uh-oh, ex girlfriend alert," she looks apologetically at me, like neither of us knew there's a chance of running into her on campus.

With every step she makes I die a little inside.

She's so close, I can feel her breathing on the back of my neck.

She sits next to Caroline. She greets both of us. Caroline greets her back, but I just wave.

Then she shifts her attention to me and I can feel the planet stop spinning. The whole world shatters and it feels like there's water in my lungs.

This time, I want to explode.

"Stefan," she says my name and I notice there's something different about the way she says it. She's being cautious. "I wanted to talk to you.."

I grimace. We tried that already, few hours ago. It didn't end well.

"About what?" my tone is defensive and I know it, even though I did not use it on purpose.

She stills her eyes on mine. They pierce through me, all the way to my heart, and I realize she's not done breaking it. _She never will be done._ I know Elena can bite, especially using words, so I realize she's giving me a free pass as well. She has few reasons more than Caroline. "About my dreams," she says calmly, her voice warming up, "Do you remember anything? It just seems weird - "

"There's nothing to talk about," I cut her off.

Really? It seems weird?

Okay, it is weird, a little. There's probably an explanation to it. I was dreaming of her, calling her, and she was dreaming of me, responding to my calls.

If we looked into it we would probably find a reason to why we were able to do that. Why was I able to make contact with her, but not Damon or Caroline. I was calling for them too, in the beginning.

There's just one problem - I don't want to know.

"You were dreaming about me," I smirk at her, and she blushes. My face straightens, "Get over it."

I say goodbye to Caroline and promise her I will contact her soon and I go away.

No, I run away.

Run from her.

* * *

By the time I come home the house is empty. Or so it seems. I'm too lazy to check.

I do not want to talk about it. I do know want to think about it. I do not want to care about it.

I just want to move on.

I want to clear my mind of thoughts.

I turn into the living room to rob my brothers alcohol stash when I hear something rattling. Someones fists thumping against something hard. Metal. Or iron. Something like old door. The noise is distant, almost too distant even for a vampire hearing. If it were any quieter I wouldn't even hear it.

It intrigues me.

But it stops so soon. Maybe it's all in my head, like an illusion. An unpleasant memory. Or the person got tired. Which means they're human, because a vampire wouldn't get tired so easily.

Then I hear it. Crying. Sobbing.

Oh, such desperate sobs.

I follow them. I follow them all the way to the basement, then deeper into it.

I move quietly, so the sobs don't stop, not even when I stop in front of a door from which they're coming from.

I look inside and my eyes go wide with shock.

At first, I want to say her name, then I realize how impossible it is, so I opt for someone else.

My voice is silent when I say, "Katherine?"

* * *

_**AN: Thank you for your wonderful reviews, I'm really glad that you're on board with this story :)**_


	3. Chapter 3

After I say her name the sobs stop.

Everything is quiet for a moment, even with my vampire hearing. There are distant sounds buzzing in the back of my mind, like the wind blowing through a half opened window, or that uneasy silence when the house is empty. I call it the loudest silence in the world, because you have a feeling that someone will start screaming soon, as if the silence begs to be broken, so you break it with your empty wishes. Those sounds are normal and with time you get used to them to the point of ignoring them completely.

Again, I think this whole thing is a product of my imagination. Banging, sobbing, seeing the tip of her nose and her dirty, dried locks hanging over her breasts, saying her name.

Maybe there's something wrong with me. Maybe that's why I'm acting this way - so unlike me. Snapping at those I love, and seeing those I hate, calling their names with the warmest voice I can muster. When they got me out of that box, maybe something followed me. Maybe this is my baggage, and maybe things never go back to normal. Maybe I never go back to normal.

I used to think I'm broken even when I could feel every part of me working well, as a well oiled part of a machine.

I was never broken, I was always a chipped mug.

This is broken.

Part of me is still confused and weary, so I say her name again, this time louder, clearer, but my voice is still warm because there's something so sad about our surrounding. _Katherine._

I don't believe her name ever tasted like this in my mouth. At the very beginning I used to say it with lust which turned into hate, and over the years I never stopped saying her name with disgust, as if she's an unpleasant memory I would like to forget, or sell on the street of spilled mistakes, or maybe exchange for a reassuring lie.

Now, my voice is warm, hoarse, even shaky.

Like I want and don't want her to be here at the same time.

There's no lust or love or hate or disgust in it.

Maybe it's despair. Yes, that's how I would describe it, like pressing a broken piano key over and over again. The music is so ugly, so wrong, it hurts your ears and skin and soul, but you keep pressing it because there's something beautiful about it.

There's something beautiful when it comes to pain.

I can hear ruffling of clothes as they scrape against the dirt she's sitting on. Her back are pressed against cold, iron door, and I can hear them crackle a little when she starts getting up.

The first thing I see is her hair. It's damp, darker than it usually is. There's some dirt on it, I think I can see specks of something red, probably dried blood, on her locks, which are now knotted against one another. I can clearly see knots in her hair.

She's still in leather. Leather jacket and leather pants, now covered in dirt. There's some blood on her clothes as well. This time I can smell it even before I see it.

Then she turns around.

There's no smirk on her lips, the one she doesn't travel without. There's no sparkle in her eyes, just fear and tiredness and bits of anger. The skin on her face is incredibly pale. Her cheeks are turning inwards, and her cheekbones are bony. There are big, dark bags under her eyes, like she hasn't slept in weeks.

She looks at me like she doesn't believe I'm standing in front of her.

Curiosity flashes in her eyes as she glares at me, carefully, as if I'm a shadow that's going to attack her when the dark falls all around her.

When she speaks, goosebumps appear on my skin. "Stefan?" she says my name in the form of a question.

There's something about the way she says it, though. Her voice is silent, if I haven't seen her lips moving I would think I imagined her saying my name. It's so careful, it's on the verge of cracking, breaking into two.

She lifts her hands and envelops her fingers around the small bars on the opening in the door, which is when I notice scars around her wrists, like someone kept her hands tied with a rope for a long time. There's dried blood around the cuts. At some places they look almost healed, but at the others they still seem deep.

Why hasn't she healed yet?

Panic shoots through me.

I look behind her, at the metallic bed chained to the wall, and notice a tray of food on it. She hasn't even touched it.

My eyes go back to her face. No, no. It can't be.

But it can. I can smell it on her. I can see it with my own two eyes. Only a fool would miss it.

I'm almost ashamed of how much she reminds me of Elena when she was human.

So innocent, and gentle, and lost.

"You're a human," I say baffled, "But how?"

She tries to grin, but she doesn't have enough strength in her body to will her muscles to do so. "I see they haven't filled you in," her head drops for a second, like she's fighting herself to stay awake. "Nice to see you back, though," she barely manages to say, her voice is so worn out, and I think I can even hear her knees buckle.

The next time I hear my name, it's said with a strict voice. I turn my face and my eyes fall on my brothers stiff figure standing on the doorway.

"What are you doing down here?" he asks as if he doesn't know Katherine is locked up in here. Like he's not the one who had put her here. The innocent way in which he asks this question makes my veins pop open.

"Uh-oh," Katherine manages a low chuckle, "Daddy's home."

My fingers curl into a fist. "What do you think you're doing?" I ask, my voice breaking through stitches.

"I'm guessing we should talk," he grimaces. His face is begging to be punched, and my fist is aching for it.

"Let her out," I suck in some air through my gritted teeth.

Shock flashes across Damon's face. "What?" there's a crease in the middle of his eyebrows. "Do you have any idea what she's done?" he spits those words at me.

Yeah, Damon, I know most of the shit Katherine messed with, me being one of those shits.

"I don't care about what she did," I choose to say instead, determined and stubbornly, "Things are different now. She's human," I treat those words carefully. I do not know why, actually, but they taste weird on my tongue.

"Ah," Damon gasps, almost relieved, "You caught that," he nods, the corners of his eyes glued to the iron door.

Well, it's pretty hard to miss, even without the plate of smelly eggs and bacon. Apparently, Katherine wouldn't bring such food to her mouth even if she was starving.

So I roll my eyes.

"Give me the keys," my voice is full of anger and I'm not sure where that anger is coming from. I do not care for Katherine so much to defy Damon like this. I'm pretty sure I don't care for Katherine at all.

Maybe I just enjoy defying Damon.

"No," his tone is serious and determined.

I huff as my muscles go rigid and the lines on my face stiffen. I can feel my feet getting off of the ground, and before I know it I'm speeding in Damon's direction. The whole thing takes less than a second. My fingers crumble his shirt and I press him against a wall.

He wasn't expecting it, which gives me a head start and the power to pin him against a wall, his feet dangling above the ground.

I say each world separately, forcefully, through my teeth. "Give me the key."

* * *

I win, so he gives me the keys. He tries to throw few punches, but his arms are pinned against a wall by my body so hard that he can't move a finger, let alone a whole fist.

He gives up after some time, after asking me for a million times why am I doing this.

After he puts the keys in my open palm I ask myself the same thing and even now, almost half an hour after I started asking myself that question, I still don't have an answer.

_I'm angry,_ is the only answer I have.

I'm angry at my brother, and Elena, and myself, and the world, but out of some reason I'm not angry at Katherine. I feel sorry for her.

I feel for her.

None of that romantic bullshit, not even lust, not even as a device of revenge, because I know if I slept with her, it would hurt Elena even though she's not in love with me anymore. She once was and Katherine was one of her main concerns, even though she had nothing to be worried about.

When she looked at me with those eyes I saw a flash of Katherine from back in the days when I believed I'm going to settle down with her. I was 17 year old guy, which means I was an idiot, no matter what century is at stake. She made me hard and I lost my mind.

Now when I look back I remember that vulnerable look in her eyes, like I'm someone who might shake her evil plans. I saw the same vulnerability in her eyes today. But now, she's standing where I stood more than a century ago, and unlike her, I decided to be a decent person and actually help her instead of fucking her over.

I'm tending the wounds on her wrists when Elena comes storming through the front door, Caroline right behind her. I guess Damon called her the moment I let Katherine out and she felt the need to inform Caroline about my apparent madness.

She stops still when she sees Katherine sitting on a couch, me rubbing alcohol on her skin, assuring her I'm almost done every time I move to the deeper wound and she winces.

Elena's voice is full of disgust when she speaks. "What is she doing out?" she spits those words out like they're made out of acid, like they're burning her throat and she can't wait to get rid of them.

I shift my attention to her only for a moment, only to notice her hair tied into a ponytail, few strains sticking on her red cheeks. Only to notice she's wearing sweatpants and a loose, red t-shirt with our old high school logo on it. You can rarely see Elena in this edition anymore, like she just came home from a long day at the office and wants to relax in comfortable clothes, glass of wine and reruns of _Mad Men_. Somehow this habit evaporated from her with time.

For some reason I'm too embarrassed to look at Caroline, so I go back to licking Katherine's wounds, leaving my ex girlfriend without an answer.

Of course, Damon jumps in. "Stefan let her out," he says, maybe even proudly, like this isn't the first piece of information he had shared with her when he called her.

Yes, genius answer Damon.

"Stefan," Elena calls for me and this time her voice is not full of caution, it's full of anger, and it amuses me. Finally, she's showing some sort of an emotion towards me, even if it's anger. Actually, it's better if it's anger. "Do you have any idea what she did?"

I sigh. Why are everyone treating me like I lost my memory? Yes, I remember that Katherine is a stone cold bitch who looks only after herself, except few times when she looked out for me, and Damon, without anyone else knowing. I guess I'm the only one who witnessed those rare moments when Katherine's humanity resurfaced, but I choose to ignore this because it's not the topic of conversation.

My mind flies to Elijah, though, and I wonder does he even know Katherine is human, and how would he feel knowing my brother and his scooby gang imprisoned her.

"Yes Elena, I was there," is what I choose to say. I remember how she killed Jeremy, turned Caroline into a vampire, had put Jenna into a hospital, constantly kept coming in between Elena and me, and honestly, the list is too long and I probably don't even know the half of it.

"Don't you care?" she raises her voice and my look instantly flies up only to find hers already locked on me.

_Don't you care,_ the question keeps buzzing in my ears, in my mind, in my whole being. I feel like a bell someone just shook and I can't stop moving and the words are bouncing of my edges.

Everyone go silent.

Do I care? Yes, I do.

That's the problem, I came to realize. I care too much. It's probably my biggest fault, and if you don't know me you might think I'm being cocky, when actually I'm being realistic.

I care and I'm a time bomb always set to zero, always ready to explode.

So I take my eyes off of her and say as calm as I can, "What I care about is to find out how she became human."

"She took the cure," Damon says casually, because yes, that's the only way we know of that makes it possible, so it's an obvious answer. My question is how did she get her hands on it, why did she take it, because this is Katherine we're talking about after all.

"_Took_ is not the right term," Katherine decides to speak, her voice still weak.

"I shoved it down her throat," Elena explains.

I believe that shock is evident in every corner of my face. Is she being serious? She's smirking, proudly. I guess Damon is rubbing ofd on her in more ways than one. "You wasted the cure on revenge?" I ask, my voice full of disbelief, "I guess you were really desperate to get rid of it, first giving it to me, then - "

She speaks before I get the chance to finish my sentence. "I used it to save my life!" she defends herself, "She was trying to kill me," she says this like it's supposed to shake me up. Like she expects I'm going to knock Katherine unconscious and lock her again myself.

Seriously though, how many times did Katherine try to kill Elena?

I expect it to happen at least once a month, which is why I'm not shocked.

I do not support it, but I understand Katherine's messed up logic to why she resents Elena. Katherine had a fucked up life, with no choices of her own, because everyone kept choosing for her. She lost everything and everyone, except one thing - herself. So she fights and runs and survives for centuries, and then Elena comes along, and Katherine has a feeling she stole her life, so she decides to steal it back, even though it's impossible. The only thing she can do is ruin Elena, and sometimes I think that would be enough for her. Let's face it, even though Elena had it pretty hard, Katherine had it that much harder. Elena was almost always given a choice, while Katherine had none. No matter how many people Elena loses, there are always more. No matter how many people die for her, she's never to blame.

Elena is surrounded by the walls and walls of people, loving her even after she rips their heart out and stomps all over it, and Katherine is all alone. And being all alone makes you bitter, especially when you see some other version of yourself living a perfect life.

"You gave him the cure?" Damon asks. Apparently Elena hasn't shared this piece of information with him.

Elena shoots him a look before clarity reaches her eyes, when she remembers she indeed didn't tell Damon about it.

"Yes," she swallows, "He gave it back to me instantly."

"It was a consolation prize, one brother gets the girl, the other a chance to breathe," for a small moment I can't believe I actually said this.

Katherine is the only one who snickers.

"I gave it to you because I thought you want it," she says through her teeth. I guess she has no more passes to give, or maybe she does, but anger is stronger than them.

My eyes hover on her for a moment too long. "Well, then you weren't paying attention."

She huffs. "I remember, you know?" she decides to prove her point, like I'm not telling the truth, when I've never been more truthful in my life than in these past two days, "The things you said to Rebekah," I remember them as well, I remember them because they're still true and they're still there but they're impossible and all they do is drill a hole in my body from which seeps more anger. Fury flashes in my eyes after her next words, "How you want to grow old, have children.." something gets caught in her throat because that's what she wanted as well, not so long ago. By the sound of her voice she still does.

"With you!" those words leave my mouth in the form of a scream before my voice settles down as I say next words, "I wanted those things with you."

Silence comes in the room with a thumping sound only I can hear.

Well, this is awkward.

Everyone are staring at the floor uncomfortably, even Katherine. I take the bandage to cover her sore wrists.

"She killed my brother," Elena decides to go to the main issue. _Well, you fucked mine._ It takes everything in me to not say these words. "She tried to kill me. She tried to hurt everyone I love."

_Which includes you,_ but those words go unspoken. I can feel them pass by me like a summer breeze.

"Stop being such a hypocrite," I say casually, calmly, like I just said good morning to her.

My eyes meet hers. There's a look full of shock in them. There's shock in Caroline's eyes as well, and Damon seems to be unusually silent. Katherine grins so hard that the corners of her lips almost poke my temple.

"Do you remember that waitress whose neck you snapped?" I know this is as low as I can go, but at this moment I don't care, "Do you think she didn't have anyone who cared for her? She was somebodies daughter, sister, maybe even mother, and you had still hurt her," I suck in some air which hits my insides sharply, "All of us hurt people, so if you don't want a finger pointed at you, don't point it to anyone in this room." Okay, that one kill Elena made can't compare to the list of shit Katherine pulled, but it shuts Elena up so I guess my words served its purpose.

You know, you can say a lot of shit about Katherine, you can even hate her, but all she did was to survive. To protect the only thing she has - herself. Do I think she deserves to be punished for her shit? Yes. Am I going to punish her by torturing her now when she can't strike back? Absolutely not. You might say she deserves it because of all the stunts she had pulled over the years. But you want to know the truth? When you live as long as we have, the world stops caring about good and evil and stops repaying you back for good deeds or caring for your evil doings. We're vampires and we're all in this together. Being like Katherine won't get you punished, just like acting like I did won't get you rewarded.

Life happens either way. Shit happens to everyone. Katherine and me were leading such different lives, our actions were complete opposite of one another, and still both of us ended alone. Our worst nightmares came true.

So, honestly, what's the point?

What's the point in doing the right thing and being selfless when life fucks you over anyway?

I start wrapping a bandage around Katherine's left wrist. "Why did you decide to lock her up? She's human, she's powerless."

"I'm not powerless," Katherine corrects me. At first I think she's being cocky, but when I lift my look I see fear in her eyes. She's afraid of it, of being powerless, of being human, of being so vulnerable.

There's a pleading look in her eyes, as if she's begging me to correct myself, and all I can do is to give her an apologetic look in return.

She's right, though, she's not powerless. Maybe she doesn't have the same physical strength anymore, but she's the same as Elena was when she was a human - she's resourceful. That's how she managed to stay alive for all these years. She never had friends, just enemies who were helping her instead of hurting her because she was holding something over their heads.

"She wouldn't talk about Silas," Damon jumps in.

"Because I don't know anything about Silas," Katherine responds desperately which makes me think she gave this answer million of times before.

"You say that like we're supposed to believe you," Damon shrugs her words off.

She tries to defend herself, but this time her words are directed to me. Maybe she thinks I'm the one who might actually listen to her. "I've heard stories about Silas, but that's all they were. Stories. Something to scare the monsters with," it makes sense. Easiest way to beat evil is with evil. "I never took them seriously until this whole cure business came up. That's when I started digging up, but I don't know anything more about him than you do. No one even knows how he looks like."

"Well, except us," I add.

"What?" Katherine asks. I look at her face, full of confusion and curiosity.

I look over to Damon who's rubbing his forehead with his fingertips.

_Oops._ I have a feeling I said something I wasn't supposed to.

"He said I'm his doppelganger," I say because the damage is already done.

A crease appears between Katherine's eyebrows. "How is that even possible?"

A small laugh escapes my throat because everyone are asking me this question and I always give the same answer. "I have no idea."

When I finish wrapping the bandage around both of her wrists, Elena says, "Now that you've given her a five star treatment, you're going to lock her up again, right?"

I can see little specks of fear in Katherine's eyes, fear she tries to hide from everyone else.

"No," I say while looking in her eyes.

"What do you mean no?" Damon grimaces, "Where is she going to sleep?"

"My room," I say instantly.

"Your room?" Damon cocks his eyebrow in my direction while squeezing his eyes.

"Yes. I don't trust you enough to leave her alone."

I don't trust you at all. Not anymore.

* * *

I take Katherine up to my room, but neither of us says a word. I ask her would she like to have a shower and she nods. I ask her does she have spare clothes and she shakes her head no. So I point her to my bathroom and leave one of my shirts and boxers out for her, at least until we can get her more appropriate clothes. The last thing I ask her is would she like something to eat, and before she closes the bathroom door she answers_ yes, please_.

Katherine Pierce just said _yes, please_ to me. I feel like this is a highlight of my day, which is kinda sad.

When I hear the water running I go down to the kitchen to get some food for Katherine. I guess since Jeremy is living here now the fridge must be stocked. If not, I'll just order pizza.

When I come down to the kitchen all three of them are down there, with Jeremy joining them, like they knew this is where I'll come.

Jeremy gives me an accusing look and for a split second I feel guilty. Old habits die hard, I guess.

I go towards the fridge without paying attention to anyone, even though I can feel four pairs of eyes on my back, like daggers.

"We're feeding her now?" Elena asks, her voice spiteful.

I decide to ignore that.

"Is this going to became a habit, tending for murderers, because - "

"You're a murderer Damon," I say calmly, trying to think of what would Katherine actually like to eat, because there's only junk food in the fridge. Chicks like her dig salads, right? Would she have something against pasta, or is that too much calories? I wish I could consult Caroline on this one, but that just seems rude, so I choose to boil pasta and chop some vegetables for a salad. "We're all murderers."

"Why are you acting like this?"

Elena is really asking some life evaluating questions today, and all I want is chop these vegetables as fast as I can. Which is fast with my vampire speed. Too bad I can't will water to boil faster.

"Like what?" I say after few minutes of hesitation.

"Unlike yourself," she states.

I finish chopping the vegetables into tiny pieces and drop them on a plate. I stay silent until the water boils and pasta is cooked. I put it into the fridge to cool down as I make a dressing, and finally mix everything together.

"Maybe you don't know me as well as you think you do."

I take the plate and exit the kitchen. I can hear whispers. If I try really hard I could recognize the actual words, but I can't be bothered. When I reach the steps to my room, I hear Caroline calling my name.

I try to read her face. I try to find anger or disapproving look, anything, but her expression is unreadable.

"Look, Caroline," I start. My whole face drops because this is Caroline and it was never my intention to hurt her. I would never hurt her. "I know Katherine turned you into a vampire and that there's a lot of shit you're holding against her and that you don't understand my actions," I start rambling now, trying to make sense out of my thoughts, hoping she's going to interrupt my speech to yell at me, but she doesn't. "I'm not expecting you to understand them, all I'm asking from you is to trust me on this one and that when I explain it to you, you just might see my reasons for protecting her," I finally stop, raising my look to her face.

She has her arms crossed across her chest, and her face is still unreadable. I can't stand it. Then, a small smile creeps on her lips.

"All I was going to say is that pasta has too much calories."

_Oh._

* * *

**_AN: Thank you so much for your positive reviews and I'm so glad you're enjoying the way I'm writing Stefan! :)_**


	4. Chapter 4

When I wake up the next morning Katherine is on her side of the bed, her knees close to her stomach and her hands squeezing the pillow under her head. I guess this is how she slept on the tiny, uncomfortable metallic bed down in the basement, which is too small so she had to lift her knees to her breasts and too hard and cold so she didn't want to press her back onto it.

When I came back to my room yesterday she was out of the shower, drying her hair with a white towel I've left out for her, dressed in my clothes. Another flashback of Elena while she was human and mine invades most of my senses and for a moment tricks me into believing nothing changed, when in reality nothing is the same.

She ate her dinner without complaining about the calories and thanked me once again. It's one of the things you want to hear from a person like Katherine, a simple _thank you_, maybe because you know you're never going to get it, so when you do it sounds strangely uncomfortable. For a moment I wish she goes back to her old self, answering with highly inappropriate and snarly comments. Maybe she will when she gets accustomed to her new life, she's probably still in a phase of shock and denial and, well, she was locked down for a long time.

It's funny how both Katherine and me were held captive at the same time without anyone to save us, until the same people who locked her saved me so I could save her. I guess all of us really are connected in some weird way.

We don't talk much, except when she asks me to turn off the lights because they're bugging her eyes. Apparently a human Katherine can't sleep with lights on.

I let her fall asleep before I assume lying position on the other side of the bed, far away from her. Now when I woke up I notice she barely moved all night.

My shirt, which is clearly few sizes too big for her, got rolled up on her back and I can see a clear outline of her spine. I start counting her bones, thinking about how she must have been starving down there, wondering why wouldn't she touch the food they brought to her.

When I realize what I'm doing I shift my attention to something else. I got too comfortable, because she reminds me of Elena. Or because she reminds me of Katherine I used to love.

I'm not sure.

All I know is that while I was looking at her spine I was thinking about how fragile she is and how I want to protect her.

It's time for me to cut this crap so I jump to my feet and go to the bathroom to take a shower to cool off. It only needs me few minutes to do so and when I come out Katherine is still asleep. I doubt she got much sleep down there so she's making up for the lost time. Maybe it's better while she's asleep.

I take this time to change my clothes before I head downstairs only to find Caroline sitting on the sofa in the living room, going through some magazine.

She doesn't even lift her eyes from it to look at me when she says, "I think I would like that explanation now after all," she flicks to the next page, clearly not interested in it's content, she's just making a statement. I don't respond because I have no idea what the hell she's talking about so after few moments of silence she lifts her look from the magazine to clear her statement, "About Katherine," she cocks her eyebrow in my direction.

A small smirk attacks the corners of my lips, "I thought you're not interested in it," or at least that's what it seemed like last night.

She closes the magazine and drops it on the table, "I've changed my mind."

My fingertips fly to the back of my neck, to the ends of my hair, place which all of a sudden feels ticklish. I clear my throat with a cough, not understanding why am I so nervous all of a sudden. "Right.." I try to stall.

"Is this a penis thing?" she frowns.

My eyes go wide and I swallow a burst of laughter, "What?" is all I say instead.

Caroline crosses her arms over her chest defensively. She wiggles her lips for a while before she finally speaks again, "I mean, is there a romantic innuendo behind your actions?" why is she talking like that?

"No," I say firmly, but she rolls her eyes as if she doesn't believe me.

I can be honest with Caroline. I know I can. She's the only one who understands I went through some fucked up shit and is not waiting for old me to come back because there is no old me or new me. There's just me and I change alongside my life. With choices I made and choices others made for me.

She doesn't expect me to wake up one day and sacrifice myself for the benefit of the world like nothing has happened in these last few months.

"Look," I move towards the sofa and sit next to her, "I know Katherine did a lot of shit in her life, to all of us," Caroline nods, spreading her arms wide open like she's saying _obviously_, "We tried to get rid of her many times, and each and every one of those times we failed. I wanted to see her punished, and somehow I think this, what is happening to her now, is a punishment good enough. She works by human laws now," honestly, I'm not worried about Katherine hurting someone. She probably doesn't even have enough strength in her body to stake a vampire. Plus, Katherine was never the one to enjoy a fight, even as a vampire she was avoiding it. Katherine uses manipulation, not fists. "But," I emphasize this word, "I know Katherine for a long time, and I've seen her moments of humanity," this catches Caroline's attention, "And because of that I don't believe Damon or Elena or anyone else have the right to punish her in the way they did. Plus, her not revealing any information about Silas is not the real reason why Damon locked her up, anyway."

Caroline's eyes go wide with curiosity this time. "It's not?"

I shake my head. "He didn't want her out because he doesn't want anything between him and Elena and, well," I grin, "He always had a soft spot for Katherine. And he always will."

Caroline seems to understand what I'm trying to tell her, so we just sit there in silence for few minutes, until we hear, "Whatever Damon!" and Elena coming down the stairs and storming through the front door.

Damon is right behind her, extending his arm like he's trying to reach her, saying her name tiredly. _Elena._

Caroline and me look at each other when she jumps on her feet and says she should be going too, when I know she wants to catch up with Elena to get the latest scoop. That's okay, Elena is her friend as well. She passes by Damon who's still standing in the hallway, staring through the open front door.

He exhales tiredly, trying to fix his messy hair with his fingers, before he attacks his alcohol stash.

"Trouble in Paradise?" I ask innocently.

How jealous, on a scale from _more than I would like to admit_ to _I'm so pathetic I want to punch myself in the face_, do I sound?

Damon doesn't smirk, nor does he lift his eyes to meet mine, he just keeps refilling his glass time after time after time. "Gloat all you want," he says after emptying his seventh glass in the last two minutes.

"I'm not gloating," I roll my eyes, "That's in your job description," I remember all the times I saw a satisfied smirk on his face, no matter how much he tried to hide it, whenever something in my life went downhill, mostly my relationship with Elena.

He sighs. "I thought you're fine with this."

You see, that's Damon's problem. I tell him I'm happy that he's happy because I'm his brother and that's what brothers do and he instantly thinks I'm okay with him taking a ride on the love of my life.

Because I'm not okay with that and I'll never be okay with that.

I decide to say none of this, though, or at least to say it in a more pleasant way.

"All I said is that I'm happy for you," all of a sudden I want a drink as well, "Doesn't mean I can't be bitter over my own situation at the same time," that's the closest thing to the truth.

Few minutes pass before either of us speaks again. "There's this party this evening. On the campus."

I stroll over to the table and pour myself a drink. The desire for it is too strong. "Yeah, I know, Caroline invited me to come," I say casually. I've actually been looking forward to it, something to slip my mind off things. "Where's the problem?"

Damon glares at me as if I'm mentally retarded. "Elena invited me to come."

I'm still not seeing the problem, so I continue to glare at him. I mean, if my overly attractive girlfriend invited me to a party where there's free booze, make outs and possibly sex, I wouldn't even take time to think about it. I would beg time to roll faster for the moment to come.

"I told her I don't want to go," he continues, "So she got upset."

I pretend to be surprised. "Damon Salvatore refusing a party?"

When I say it out loud I realize it does sound surprising. Damon treats life as if it's one big party.

"I like parties because of two things," he lifts two fingers in the air, "Drunk girls who give free blood and easily put out," he smirks as if that's all life is, blood and sex. "Elena frowns upon both of those things," he rolls his eyes in his classic Damon manner.

"So you're refusing to go to a party because you're in a committed relationship?" I cock my eyebrow in his direction.

I can't believe I actually called the thing that ruined my fucking life a committed relationship.

"Pretty much," he sips his alcohol slowly now.

"Damon, remember all those dances Elena used to drag me to?" I have to fight a smile which is slowly creeping to my lips.

Want to know a secret? I used to love those things. Not because of the dancing or whatever, but because Elena was so happy when I told her I would go. She was so happy while we were there, dancing, even though some shit always went down soon after and the whole thing would turn into a nightmare with more bodies to bury.

Damon nods in confirmation.

"I used to hate those things. I hate dancing," well, it's partially true. I can't actually tell him the whole truth.

"So why did you go?" he asks me confused and my inner peace falters a little, part of me that wishes Damon treats her well so all of this pain is for something, because he simply doesn't get it.

He never did and at this moment I realize he never will.

"Because she loved to go to those things," to me it's the simplest thing in the world, to him it's a Pandora box. Maybe that's why she decided to move on from me to him. Maybe I was boring to her, an open book. Maybe our relationship was too easy, while Damon clearly needs work.

Still, I can't get the image of us dancing out of my head. She was a waterfall and happiness was seeping out of her. I can't forget that smile.

I would give anything for her to smile like that to me again.

"When you love someone, when you're with someone, you do things for them, despite your own negative feelings towards it," I say after I realize I've been silent for too long, "That's just how relationships work. You give without expecting anything in return."

I can't believe I'm giving my brother relationship advice.

Is this how growing up feels like?

Damon stays quiet, though. Maybe because this whole thing is awkward. Maybe because we slept with the same girl. Again.

So I leave.

Why do I always leave?

* * *

When I go back to my room I find Katherine wide awake, standing beside my bed, looking over my room like she's never been here before. Her eyes shimmer as she takes everything in, all the books and old, wooden furniture and I think that maybe she never noticed it before. Sure, she had seen it, but it never caught her attention. She never stopped to form an opinion about my room.

I guess that's one of the things about Katherine, she had too much opinions and at the same time no opinions at all.

I have a feeling this is about to change.

I notice she got out of my boxers. She's still wearing the shirt, though, which reaches her mid thigh.

God, I hope she's wearing some panties under that shirt.

When she notices me enter the room, she stills her eyes on me. She does the same thing to me that she did to the room, she glares at me as if she has never seen me before. Like I'm a stranger.

I can see her eyes taking me in, a brush painting my features in her mind.

She's more perceptive, or maybe she's more curious.

Maybe she's learning how to appreciate things.

"Are you hungry?" is the first thing I ask.

She stares at me in disbelief, before a smile comes dancing on her lips. "Good morning to you too," her hands fly to her back where they meet above her bottom. Her shirt rises a little and it takes every ounce of strength I have in me not to look.

I want to say good morning to her, but the words never come out.

Why can't I speak?

"I'm not hungry," she says when the silence gets uncomfortable.

More silence.

I can hear buzzing somewhere in the room. A low hum. I can't trace the origin of it.

She's getting impatient, confused, uncomfortable. "Thank you for borrowing me clothes," she looks down her body, on my dark blue shirt covering her torso.

"It looks better on you anyway," this time I find words to speak. And out of all things to say, I have to choose this one?

She takes the hem of the shirt between her fingertips and, oh thank you lord, she's wearing her panties. "You think?" she starts twirling a little, slowly, left - right, right - left. The shirt is moving with her body, especially all those wrinkles on it, like small cuts on a pure surface. Her silky brown hair is framing her face, her curls jumping on her breasts as she moves. She raises her look a little, just enough to look at me through her eyelashes and I can see her eyes smile.

At this moment, in the morning, while the sun is fighting its way into the room, through thick curtains, she looks beautiful. More beautiful than I've ever seen her.

I don't know who am I looking at, Elena or Katherine, and I realize that I don't know which one do I wish I'm looking at.

"Yeah," is all I manage to squeeze out through the rock in my throat, "Listen, Katherine," I start, "There's a party tonight - "

"Are you inviting me to go boogie?" she interrupts me in the middle of my sentence, jumping from one leg to another cheerfully.

I start shaking my head, and her smile disappears, "Just the opposite," I swallow. Why am I so flustered by her all of a sudden? "You can see why some people wouldn't want to party with you," _I have nothing against it_, is what I want to add, but the words never find their way out. "I just wanted to check if you'll be okay all by yourself in here?"

"You mean, you want to make sure I won't do anything stupid?"

Yes, that's exactly what I mean. Even though I don't say anything, she can read the answers from the expression on my face.

"It's fine, Stefan," she's offended, I can tell, and I'm so confused as to why she's offended because she knows how much shit she did and just because she's human now doesn't mean all of that never happened. "I'll be fine."

* * *

When I say my goodbyes to Katherine she doesn't say anything in return. She's lying on my bed on her stomach, looking at something, probably flipping through the magazine Caroline left this morning. She probably left my room when I wasn't watching. Not that I'm keeping an eye on her or anything.

I guess it's hard to believe Katherine doesn't have some master plan of revenge, that she's not working it out as we speak. I know Katherine for far too long, but the question is do I know her as well as I think I do?

Turning human probably left some effect on her. I wish she would stop acting like nothing has changed and just talk about it so I know where she stands.

Maybe I should take my own advice.

When she doesn't say anything in return I want to sit on the edge of my bed, pull my fingers over her back, trail her spine with the tip of my finger and apologize even though I have no idea for what I would be apologizing for.

I stop myself at the last minute and actually leave the room.

When I reach the campus it doesn't take me long to find the party, because the obnoxious music and smell of alcohol and sweat leads me right to it.

_Me: Where r u?_

_Caroline: By the table in the corner_

_Me: Whatever I'll smell u_

_Caroline: Gross_

I find here a second after I receive her last message.

"Hey," I brush my fingers over her waist.

"Smell me?" she cocks an eyebrow in my direction, "Seriously?"

"Yeah," I shrug, putting my elbows on the table, "Lavender, lime and some strong fruity smell. Mango, is it? Usual Caroline scent."

She eyes me for a moment too long before a smile breaks on her lips. "Usual Caroline scent," she says through laughter.

She looks around the room like she's searching for someone. Maybe she is, maybe she met new people in college. She probably did, I mean, who wouldn't want to be friends with Caroline? She's great.

"So Damon decided to come after all," she says, which is when I realize for who she's been looking for. Elena. Damon comes in the package with her, I guess. I used to. "Do you know what he told her?" she asks, clearly upset by it. I don't know is she upset by his words or the fact that it's him who said those words because Caroline's distaste for Damon is not a secret.

"Mhm," is all I say because one conversation a day about Damon's relationship with Elena is more than enough for me. I came to realize it's too much.

I also came to realize Caroline is not interested in my answer. "He told her he's over parties. Can you fucking believe that? You get in a relationship with an 18 year old girl and then you want to keep her all locked up. Fucking unbelievable," did she always use to swear like this, or is this what Damon brings out of her? He has a tendency to do so, to bring out the worst in people. "I wonder what changed his mind.." her eyes are hazy. She's thinking.

I can basically see wheels turning inside of her head.

_Please don't go there. Please don't think about it. Please don't come to a conclusion. Please let it go._

"Or who changed his mind," she turns to me, her eyes wide with shock.

_Oh fuck._

"Look, all I said to him - "

"What?" she frowns, clearly confused, "I was talking about Elena. She promised she won't call him first. I was hoping he doesn't call either so they just break up because no one called first, you know?"

I chuckle. A person can hope. Damon is actually stubborn enough to lose Elena over his own pride, if he has any left. God knows I don't.

"Are you trying to tell me you talked to him about it?" she comes closer to me like I'm about to share a secret with her.

I don't have to say anything, a look on my face is answer enough.

"Stefan!" she whines, slapping my arm. I pretend I'm hurt so I rub my fingers over the spot where she had hit me. "Why?"

I look into her eyes and she's asking so much more than a simple _why_. She's asking me why would I do that so myself.

You know what's funny? I can be a dick to Elena and I can convince her I don't love her anymore and I can make her feel guilty and probably like shit, at least for a minute, but Caroline knows the truth. Somehow she does and we don't even talk about it.

"Because she deserves to be happy," I say silently.

"Excuse me?" for a moment there I think she hasn't heard me, but then she continues, "I love Elena, she's my friend," she starts saying, gesticulating with her hands, "But you have to stop sacrificing yourself for her."

I stare at Caroline in awe as those words fall on me, hard. They squish me as if I'm a tiny ant.

We just keep staring at each other for few minutes, like our eyes are saying far more than the words we would use ever could.

When I drop my gaze she drop hers and we spend the next few minutes in silence, listening to music, silently laughing at all the drunk people.

My eyes flicker in Damon and Elena's direction few time and I realize that, yup, it's official, I'm a masochist.

"How's the she devil?" Caroline is the one to break the silence.

It takes me some time to realize she's referring to Katherine.

Caroline swings a bottle of beer in my direction. I have no idea where she got it from but I'm not planning to ask, either. If we're going to talk about my relationship with my ex girlfriends tonight, I need alcohol.

"She's.. fine," I say, even though the word sounds wrong on my tongue, "She's weird."

This seems to catch Caroline's attention. "Weird how?" she leans closer again. Maybe this is her gossiping pose.

"She's too cheerful."

"She didn't seem very cheerful to me yesterday."

"Well, she was this morning. She was cheerful, playful, flirty."

"Old Katherine?" Caroline sighs.

"Yes and no," my answers seems to confuse her, "She used to be all those things before, but she had a hidden agenda every single time. Now, that's just who she is. I don't have a feeling she's using her charms to get her hands on something, she's doing it because that's what she feels like doing. Want to know the weirdest part?" Caroline is all ears now, "When I told her about the party, she thought I'm asking her to come. And when I explained to her that I'm not and why I'm not, she got offended," I sip some beer from the bottle.

Her eyes widen in shock.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing," she shakes her head and I think I can see a half smile on her lips as she turns her face from me, "I just never knew Katherine has actual feelings. Even now it sounds like a myth."

I hum.

She looks at me like I was supposed to say something to what she said.

"Why are you humming?" there's a crease between her brows, "Oh my God," she lifts her hands in the air, "Do you like her?" she screams at me.

I motion for her to keep her voice down. "No," I shake my head furiously, "I'm just confused by her behavior."

"It's simple, actually," I shift my attention from the beer bottle to her, asking myself in which universe is the explanation to her behavior simple. "When she was a vampire she was bothered with more important things, like running and staying alive. She didn't have much time for romance. Now when she has nothing else on her plate, she can concentrate on her feelings. She spent a lot of time down there, so I guess she had plenty of time to think about it, and it led her straight to you," she wiggles her nose, showing her displeasure.

A thought flickers in the back of my mind. "Caroline?" I say her name cautiously, and she whips her head in my direction instantly, "Did you know they're keeping Katherine down there?" I ask as innocently as I can.

At first I think she's going to explode in my face because her glare on me is so heavy that I think I'm going to start blushing any minute now. "No," she says finally, surprisingly calm, "While you were gone I had no reason to go to the house at all," if she's offended by my question she doesn't show it.

I nod in understanding. "By the way, Katherine doesn't have feelings for me, that's just who she is. If Damon were available she would acting like that towards him as well," it's not like Katherine ever cared if a guy is taken or not, but Damon is very unhappy with her at the moment. Okay, Damon has been very unhappy with her for quite some time, but she was never scared of him before. I think she's scared of him now.

Caroline looks at me intently, her gaze flickering over my face, like she's trying to find something. Something I've hidden. "Maybe," is all she says.

"Caroline?" I hear a faint voice, a silent voice muffled by music, but also soft and sweet, like vanilla.

Caroline turns around and says cheerfully, "Annie!"

I see a girl standing behind her as Caroline throws her arms around the girls neck. The girl hugs her back.

"This is my friend Stefan," she says when she lets the girl go from her hug.

She pushes her towards me and when she steps from the shadow, into the light, I can see that she looks very similar to Caroline.

Her hair is blond, bright, almost yellow, and her eyes are piercingly blue, like Damon's. Like she's hiding daggers behind them. She's taller than Caroline, almost as tall as me, and I try to see is she wearing heels, but what are the chances that she's not?

"Hi," she says cheerfully, this time louder, extending her hand to me, "I'm Annie."

I shake her hand. "Stefan," I think I say my name too shyly because there's a weird look on Caroline's face but Annie smiles.

She has a wide smile, her lips are thin and long and cherry red.

Almost like she has blood smeared on them.

"Hi Annie," Elena appears by our table, putting an arm around Annie's shoulders, planting a kiss on her cheek. I can tell that she's drunk. Damon is right behind her. I think he's holding her hand. I'm not sure. I want to know as much as I don't want to know.

Annie says Elena's name softly, kissing her cheek. "And.." she frowns in Damon's direction.

"Damon," he says, "We met before."

Annie watches him like she can't remember him, probably trying to place him, but by the look on her face she can't. "Yeah, sorry, I'm not so good with names," she tries to excuse herself, "Or faces."

I can see myself lying on the floor, dying from laughter.

In reality, I don't even flinch.

Damon's not used to not being remembered. He usually leaves a lasting impression on people, if they survive meeting him.

Elena puts her arm around Annie's and pulls her aside, tipping over her own feet, indicating she's drunker than I originally thought. "Come on Annie, let's get a drink," she pulls her away, but they don't go too far.

Caroline scoots away from Damon to me like she's picking sides.

"Elena seems wasted," I say.

"Maybe that's because she is wasted."

"What are you guys talking about?" Damon interferes, "She had only few drinks."

Caroline and me exchange a look, like we're exchanging a private secret, something we can't let Damon in on.

I can hear Elena singing in the distance.

"Who is your friend?" I hear Annie's soft voice. Bless vampire hearing.

"Hmm?" Elena asks, still humming words of the song playing.

"Your friend. Stefan," her smile rips through the air. I guess she has no problems with remembering names tonight.

"He's.." Elena starts. _Ex boyfriend. My boyfriends brother. Just a friend._ Everything would be better except the next words that come out of her mouth. "Somebody I used to know."

_Ouch._

Caroline and Damon must hear it too because the atmosphere becomes uncomfortable.

"Oh," Annie says, "Well, he's cute."

Caroline giggles.

"You think so?" I swear, I can sense bits of jealousy in Elena's voice.

"Yeah, like, more than cute, he's - "

"Okay," Elena stops her before she finishes her sentence, probably aware of us being able to hear them.

Caroline is laughing now, and I can't help but smile as well.

"Come on, Elena, I know you're taken, but that doesn't make you blind. If you weren't with that guy," I swear, I almost fall on the floor, clinching to my stomach, laughing like a mad man, "I bet you would be all over him."

Elena says nothing in return, though, she just laughs uncomfortably.

I lift my look just a little, enough to see Damon's face expression, and he seems uncomfortable, maybe even disappointed. Maybe he was expecting her to say, _No, I wouldn't._

The girls come back with their drinks and Caroline tries to lift the atmosphere up.

Elena keeps close to Damon, so that leaves Caroline, Annie and me. I learn a lot about Annie in few hours. She's from Atlanta and wants to major in English literature. She has two brothers and a dog named Nickles. Her father is retired and her mother runs her own beauty saloon. She's single. Her roommate smells like wet socks. Bunch of other details similar to those.

She's pretty. Her hair compliments her milky skin tone and hair any darker would make her eyes look freaky. She is wearing heals but even without them she would be much taller that most of the girls.

Oh, she also has nice legs.

"I have to get going now," she says half an hour after I notice her eyelids fluttering. She says her goodbyes to Elena and Caroline and waves uncomfortably to Damon, when she turns to me and says my name. Elena and Caroline keep looking between the two of us.

"Yeah?" I ask.

"Do you maybe want to walk me to my dorm?" she smiles in my direction.

See, if it weren't for the panicked look in Elena's eyes, like I'm going to rip Annie apart as soon as we leave the building, I would have probably refused. "Sure," I answer, and her smile gets wider.

I whisper a goodbye in Caroline's ear, but Damon stops me as I plan to leave.

"Did you compel her?" he asks me.

"No, brother, I'm not the one who needs supernatural help with picking up girls."

* * *

_**AN: Hmm, does Annie have plans for her and Stefan?**_

_**Please, don't ask me are Stefan and Katherine going to be a thing because I'm not sure. As I said I'm going to write couples in this story as I go. I only know that I love Katherine and I'm sick and tired of her constantly being used as a plot device to mess things up. She could be such a wonderful character. There's so much history, so much pain, so many excuses. I have no idea why instead of getting new characters or spending time writing Elena and Caroline in college when they're clearly not going to attend classes, they don't concentrate on Katherine's character more. Honestly, I love her as a bitch, but when someone is a bitch for five seasons with no real explanation but my life was tough it becomes boring.**_


	5. Chapter 5

I follow Annie through a mass of drunk adolescents who are dancing, or rather throwing themselves at one another, some of them more desperately than the others. Her fingers are around the hem of my sleeve as she struggles to keep it up with me as I fight my way through a wall of people and smoke.

After few minutes of hopeless wandering we finally find an exit only to surround ourselves with more people. Some are making out against a wall and I can bet every single one of these girls will regret their choices in the morning. I think that's what people do, they don't make mistakes to learn on them, they make them to put things into motion. Good choices are no near as fun as bad ones, at least not when you're 18 and in college without the adult supervision or that constant waking eye of your parents. Few people are puking in the bushes and some are just talking, red plastic cups in their hands and giggles suppressed behind their lips.

Annie is still holding onto my sleeve so I start moving away from the party and she finally lets go of me when I take us to where the music is muffled, at least to her. I can still hear it perfectly when I sharpen my hearing sense.

"My room is in that building," she points to the building barely visible in the dark, completely on the other side of the campus, "I know there's security on campus but honestly, I don't feel comfortable with walking alone in the dark," she puts her arms around herself. I wish I had a jacket to give her because she's clearly freezing, there are goosebumps all over her skin.

"There are no monsters here," well, except me. I smile at her warmly because that's the best I can give her.

"I'm not scared of monsters," you should be, "I'm scared of people," her expression is serious, the look in her eyes cold.

I guess people are the worst kind of monsters. I can't hide who I am, not for long, but people wear masks. They're frauds their entire life.

Some time passes before either of us speaks again, until the silence becomes uncomfortable. "That was some party, huh?" I see her pull her dress down her thighs with the corner of my eye.

I really have no idea what Annie's intentions are. Did she invite me to walk her over just so she can feel safe, or does she expect something more? It really doesn't matter, there's no way I'm going to hook up with her. Honestly, she looks and talks like Caroline and rolls her eyes like Lexi does. _Like Lexi did,_ I have to remind myself. I'll have to remind myself for as long as I live. Also, Annie just doesn't seem like a girl who would be down for a one night stand, and right now, I really don't want anything more than that. Plus, she's Caroline's friend, it would just be awkward.

I put my hands in the pockets of my trousers. "It was alright," I shrug.

"I'm not used to going to parties," she continues talking, "My parents are very strict on the matter, even though I never gave them a reason to worry."

So she's not on the chain anymore. Maybe her inviting me to walk her over to her room was to try her new rebellious streak, or maybe it was a completely innocent gesture, since she clearly doesn't have a lot of experience in the department.

"My father was extremely strict as well," I add.

"Was?" she asks confused.

"He passed away," when I look into her eyes they're full of compassion even though there's absolutely no need for it.

"I'm sorry," her eyes flicker under the moon and for the first time tonight I realize how beautiful they are. In the dark they seem almost transparent, like water. And glimmering like this it seems like there's a tide in her eyes.

I accept her condolences with a nod of my head even though it was over a century ago. That doesn't mean I don't think about it almost every single day, though.

Silence falls over us again, as silent as the night around us. I can hear owls humming somewhere in the trees in the background.

"So, how long have you been in love with Elena?" she asks casually.

Her question takes me by surprise and I almost give her an honest answer. _Since before I met her._ But then I remember I'm not that guy anymore and she's not my girl anymore, so I whip my head sharply and send a look full of shock in her direction. I mean, is it written all over my face? "Excuse me?" I ask while clearing my throat with a cough.

It's weird, you know? Loving someone. Because when you do, even complete strangers can tell. Sometimes they can tell even before you do.

She gives me a knowing look, her smiling eyes dancing all over my face.

"Is it that obvious?" I ask because I have to ask someone and I'll probably never see this girl again, and if I do all we will share is a friendly hello and a chilly night I confessed I'm still in love with my ex. Something I don't like confessing to myself.

She takes her eyes off of me and exhales loudly. "Painfully obvious," she says through a light smile, "Well, to an observant eye at least."

"Oh?" I ask, now curious.

She keeps quiet for a while and just when I think that maybe she's not into discussing it with me, Annie says, "The fact you keep glancing in her direction with the corner of your eye when she's far away, but you never look directly at her when she's standing basically next to you. The fact your jaw tightens, not in anger, but in some unknown emotion, mix of pain and regret, when you see her with someone else. And the fact that you smile to whatever she says, even if it's as simple as _thank you_, as if just the sound of her voice is the best experience in the world," she turns her look at me, one finger up in the air, "But," she emphasizes this word, "You never do it right away, first your lip twitches, and then few moments later it curves into a smile, just for few seconds so no one notices. Unless she laughs, you know, that full blown laugh, or maybe a drunk giggle, then you can't stop yourself. You just smile."

I'm not sure of what should I be scared more, of me actually doing those things, or someone watching me close enough to notice those things. You know, I never knew I do those things. Sure, the sound of her voice makes me happy, and her laugh makes me want to laugh as well, but I always thought I'm smiling from the inside. I never knew the smile is evident on my face as well.

Maybe because, like Annie said, it lasts only for few seconds. So no one notices.

"You're.. very observant," I laugh nervously.

"Does she know?" Annie asks, her voice warm and pleasant and full of pity. The voice you would use to express your condolences at a funeral.

"She knows," I say instantly, but then change my mind, "Well, she knew. It's complicated," I sigh, "We used to be together," those words climb up my throat and slip down my lips like they're slipping over razor blades.

Annie's eyes go wide now. "You were? What happened?"

That's one complicated question. What happened? I have no idea. One moment she loved me. The other she loved me no more. Maybe it's not that simple. Maybe it's simple as that.

"She moved on to other things," I choose to say.

Annie nods like she understands, but I'm not sure I do. Why can't people move on together even if they move in different directions? Why is she here and I'm still there, in the time when she wakes up and intertwines her fingers with mine? I'm still there, or at least a part of me is.

I want to be here. I'm going to come here. Today. Tomorrow. As soon as I can, even if I have to tie a rope around a part of myself to pull me back.

"This is me," she stops in front of a building she pointed at earlier.

I came to a halt as well. My lips wiggle awkwardly. "It was nice meeting you, Annie," I smile.

"You too, Stefan," I notice that she says my name sadly, "Night," she waves to me before turning around and walking away.

"Night," I call in the last moment before she closes the door behind herself.

I realize I'll never know did Annie want anything more from me than a safe walk to her room. I also realize it doesn't matter.

Even if she did, I would never hook up with her, for various reasons. Some of them I'm not ready to admit to myself.

I remember Elena, I remember her as I always do, just a little bit different this time because I see her clearly now. I see the girl who destroyed me and I love her for that. I see her in a skin tight red dress, with a curly hair and long legs, her skin smelling of almond lotion and her smile full of sunshine and I love her for that. I see a cloudy day in her eyes when she looks at me and I see her drunk smile and the way she looks at my brother and I love her for that.

I see a side of her I've never seen before and I fall in love with that side of her as well.

* * *

After Annie went inside I made my way to where I left my bike. I feel my phone buzz in the pocket of my jeans. A text from Caroline.

_Caroline: I expect an essay on my desk tomorrow morning, Mr. Salvatore_

I smile but decide not to text her back. If I text her back she will know nothing has happened, so when I see her tomorrow I won't be able to witness that goofy and curious look on her face as she says _spill the beans_ while pulling me somewhere private.

Before I put the phone back in my pocket, I notice it's little past three in the morning.

"So you found a way out," I hear a familiar voice as I reach my bike.

It's so familiar, maybe even too familiar. It's the voice I often hear inside of my head while having one way conversations with myself.

It's my voice.

I spin around and there he is. Standing few feet away from me, leaning against a tree, wearing my face, using my voice, but he's not me. Note to self, never wear your hair styled like that, you look like a chipmunk.

It's different than seeing your twin, I suppose. It's like seeing your reflection in the mirror. Except when you stand still in front of a mirror, your reflection doesn't move towards you.

"Hello handsome," he says while smirking in my direction.

Dear God, I'm flirting with myself.

"Silas," I say his name mysteriously, because he is a mystery by himself, but out of some reason I feel like I'm starring in some bad television drama.

"If I were you, I would be offended by how long I was able to fool your loved ones," a smirk is always present on his face.

I know he's saying this only to annoy me, but his words still sting. Because they're true.

I just huff. Not my best moment. I mean, I'm standing in front of my evil doppelganger who locked me inside of a box and pushed me into a lake, and all I can do is huff. This moment played out a little bit differently inside my head.

"Of course, maybe they would have figured it out sooner if your brother ever let that little girlfriend of yours leave his bedroom," he smirks because he can see my eyes go wide and because he knows what a mess my mind is. Even if it weren't for his abilities, even if he weren't able to crawl inside peoples minds, it wouldn't take long for him to realize which weapon to use to hurt me the most. "I stayed away from Caroline for as long as I could, of course, she was the last one to find out I'm," his smirk grows wider, "Well, you, back in town," finally, he laughs, "Out of all the people in your life, people you're close to, Katherine probably had the best chance of figuring it out, so I was glad when your brother locked here down there."

Fury flashes through me when he mentions Katherine. He knew she's there and he - well, why do I even think he would do anything else but exactly what he did? He's not me, and even I'm not sure if few months ago I wouldn't do the same to Katherine.

I would like to think I wouldn't, but I've learned something recently - you can never be too sure about people, including yourself.

He is right, though. Katherine has a way of seeing through people.

"Was it fun being me?" I ask sarcastically.

"Not particularly," he says coldly, "Honestly, I almost admire you for putting up with them."

As much as those people can be annoying, hearing someone else talking shit about them is not actually pleasant. But I know better than to start a war with an evil mastermind over such a thing.

"What I want to know is, though, how did you get out?" I notice he seems genuinely curious.

"I was found," I say simply, thinking how this will satisfy his curiosity at least for a little bit.

Laughter roars from his throat which is when I realize how unpleasant and sharp it sounds. "It's really hard to believe that bunch of idiots found you all by themselves."

He is really becoming annoying. "I really don't give a fuck about what you believe," I spit those words out and he stops laughing, even though seriousness never crosses his face, "Now, is there something you want?"

He studies me for few moments before his lips part, "Well, what I really want is my cure back, the one you stole, but that's not happening since you wasted it," I can tell he's becoming angry, "You see, I really, really, really needed that cure and I was incredibly angry when I found out what happened to it," he sighs, "But, I got over it and when your friends discovered I'm not you, I left town to find a new way to complete my plans."

Now there's a smirk on my face. "And did you find a way to prove your evilness?"

"Oh yes," his face mirrors mine.

I roll my eyes as I say sarcastically, "I'm so excited about finding out what it has to do with me."

"I have only clues, puzzles," he's getting annoyed again.

"Still not sure what that has to do with me," and I'm getting bored.

"You help me solve it, I leave you alone. I leave all of you alone," he answers casually.

Now it's my turn to laugh. "Why should I trust you?" rule number one, never trust your doppelganger.

"Because I really don't give a shit about you or your friends. I have my own agendas and you're not one of them."

Okay, he might be evil, but he is right. We know shit about him, but he does seem to be a man on a mission and we're only standing in the way.

"Okay," I nod after few seconds of pure silence, "Let me hear it. Your clues."

What can I say, I'm too curious for my own good. Also, if I know what he's working with, I can use it against him. If he came to me for help, he must be desperate.

"The first thing is _'They come in two, but their paths will never cross'_ which doesn't make any sense and I haven't heard the rest because, well, I snapped her neck. I was still little annoyed at the time," he shrugs, "Now, this is when things get tricky.._ It has no color and no shape, none of five senses work on it, it doesn't exist unless you make it to and when you do it's in a place you cannot reach_."

Okay, those are some pretty useless clues but it's not like I'm going to tell him that because these clues are the only thing he has.

"Can I have some time to think about it?" I cock my eyebrow in his direction.

He doesn't seem too pleased by it, I guess he was expecting an answer right away, but he says _sure_ nevertheless. "I'll find you," and he disappears as soon as I blink.

* * *

When I come home, Katherine is asleep. This time she's under the sheets, protecting her body from my view.

I search the house to make sure she kept her word, and I do it because I still don't trust her but also don't want her to know that I don't trust her. I can hear Jeremy breathing inside of his room and that's enough for me.

I go back into my room and scribble the clues Silas gave me on a piece of paper so I don't forget them.

_They come in two, but their paths will never cross._ He's right, that one is pretty useless. How can something lead you to what you're looking for if the pieces don't coexist? Maybe the answer is in the rest of the puzzle. If he only wasn't so impatient.

Now, the second one seems more promising. What has no color and no shape? Water? Wind? But both those things effect your senses and they exist. So we're looking for something no one can see, hear, taste, smell or touch and it doesn't exist unless we make it exist? If we do make it exist, does it work on the senses then, does it have some shape then? _It's in a place you cannot reach._

Where can't we reach to? Universe? Technically, we can. We can fly and dig and ruin and I'm too tired for this.

I put the piece of paper inside of my journal and lie down on my side of the bed.

Instead of thinking about clues, I think about Elena.

I think about the way she used to act, like she's responsible for every bad thing that happens. Like she carries the weight of the world on her shoulders. I think about the way she acted tonight, so happy and carefree and alive and like she has the whole world on the palm of her hand and did I mention happy?

And I love her. And that's okay. Because it doesn't matter.

I love her and in a way I will always love her. I know that. She's my past and somehow she will always be my present but she stopped being my future long time ago so I have to stop waking up and carrying her with me over to the next day.

As I drift into sleep, I leave a piece of me in the past. I cut the rope. That piece of me belongs with her and it would be too cruel to take him away from her. To rip him away. Somewhere, in some set point in time, we're still happy and together and if you ever find a way to travel through time, go a year in the past and you will find us in love.

As I cut that rope and let myself go, I lock Elena in a box and swallow the key.

* * *

_They sit in a little coffee shop on campus, the one not so many students frequent because it's too expensive for their monthly allowance. There are few things on which Caroline would never spare her money and the quality of coffee is one of them._

_She wasn't able to reach Stefan this morning. He wasn't answering her texts or taking her calls so she concluded he's either still asleep or dealing with Katherine. _

_And she desperately wanted to know if something happened with Annie last night, so if she couldn't get answers from him, she would get them from her. She invited Annie for a morning coffee before a class they both attend, and was surprised when Elena volunteered to come with them._

_Caroline was worried for Stefan. Because he spent months in the water, but he's not talking about it. Because it took him a moment too long to answer when she brought up Katherine and the possibility he might have feelings for her. Or that he might develop some now when she's human. And because he talks to Elena like she's his greatest enemy but still smiles at the mention of her name._

_She also knows there's nothing she can do except act as if everything is fine until he decides to come to her and tell her what's really going on. Maybe he's been saying it all along, she just wasn't listening. She throws that idea away because she finds herself to be a great listener._

_Now Annie, Elena and her are sitting by the table in a corner of a cafe which is half empty, and when it comes to getting information out of someone, Caroline likes to be tactful. She has a whole idea developed, step by step._

_Elena has other plans. "So, Stefan, huh?" Elena says casually and Caroline gives her a questioning look._

_Annie lifts her look from the coffee cup she's been staring at and gives Elena an amused look. Caroline wonders does Annie know. Has Stefan told her, about him and Elena?_

_"Yup, Stefan," is all Annie says, though._

_Caroline wants to ask her does she like him, but Elena beats her to it. "Do you like him or something?" she asks awkwardly and Caroline shakes her head annoyed._

_"He's nice," Annie says while stirring her coffee._

_Nice. That's not what you say when you're interested in someone. If she were truly interested in him she would be drowning us in questions about him, Caroline thinks to herself._

_"I mean, he's more than nice," Annie lifts her look again, a smile present on her face, "He seems like a really interesting person. He's a little shy and closed off, though, but I think he's one of those guys whom you just have to get through. Plus, he's super cute and so hot."_

_Okay, that's the way you talk when you're interested in someone._

_"Did you two, you know," Elena struggles with words and Caroline cocks an eyebrow in her direction, "Last night, did you like - "_

_"If you're asking me if we slept together," Annie interrupts Elena's embarrassing attempt to ask the obvious, "The answer is no. He's not ready."_

_Elena parts her lips in surprise, but Caroline furrows her brows. "Ready?" she asks._

_"It's not like he's into someone, but he's still hung up on someone," Annie says, but she doesn't give any clues that she knows about Elena's relationship with him. "It's like when you eat a really creamy cake, so when you finish it, there are smudges on the plate where the piece of cake used to be. You know, some trace that it was there, and if you don't wash the plate, that evidence will stay there forever. That's Stefan right now, he ate the cake, or someone stole the cake from him, whatever went down, he's really sad that the cake is gone. And now he keeps looking at the plate, staring at the evidence of when the cake was there. The longer he keeps staring at it, the sadder he gets."_

* * *

**_AN: I really wanted to include a conversation between characters without Stefan's POV. Maybe in the future I write something from someone's else POV in this story. I also like jealous Elena. Her jealousy of Stefan with other girls in season 4 while she had no humanity was so tasty, and I think we will see more of it in season 5. _**

**_So, Silas is finally here, and he has some clues. What is he looking for? Do you guys have some idea about the clues?_**

**_Again, thank you for your wonderful reviews, they make my day!_**

**_Love you!_**


	6. Chapter 6

Next morning I summon Caroline, telling her to bring Elena along as well, so I can inform them of my meeting with Silas. I tell Katherine she can participate as well, but she refuses with an excuse that she's still sleepy. I know she's lying because she's been doing nothing but sleeping these past couple of days. I think she's still angry with me, so she keeps her answers short and interaction with me on minimum. Jeremy doesn't seem particularly interested in what I have to say either because he ditches the meeting for a run in the woods.

When I come downstairs Caroline and Elena are already there, sitting on a couch and discussing something Damon obviously doesn't find interesting because he's hanging out with a bottle of bourbon. If we were human, I would make my brother go to AA meetings.

Caroline smiles when she seems me enter the room and I smile back at her, but it seems to me that Elena is avoiding my look.

"So?" Damon says impatiently, "Why are we here?" he brings the glass closer to his lips and takes a small sip of a sunset colored drink.

Million and million of sarcastic remarks as swarming in my mind, but today I don't feel like playing games.

I take my own glass and pour some whiskey in it. I stir it in the glass, watching the drink crash against the glass walls, almost tipping over the edges. "I had an encounter with Silas last night," I say dryly.

"Silas left town, after we exposed him," the color drains from Elena's face as her expression turns from shy to serious.

I empty the glass in one sip and put it back on the table. It makes a loud thud. "I guess he came back," as if that wasn't obvious already. "How did you expose him, anyway?" I ask curiously.

No one seems too eager to answer my question. Maybe they're in shock. Maybe they thought Silas won't be coming back. As if anything is ever that easy.

Finally, Caroline is the one who takes the fall and answers my question, "We all thought you left town, so when you came back it took us by surprise, but none of us asked any questions because we were glad to have you back," _yeah, I can bet, Brangelina here probably couldn't contain their excitement,_ "You were acting strange, though, so unlike you," her look weavers on my face, like she's hesitating, "I kept calling your cell but you weren't answering, then you told me you lost your phone and come on, you're Stefan, you never lose anything," I have to keep my eyes still on Caroline so they don't fall on Elena because that would be awkward. The more I try, the more I feel like she's pulling my look to her, and when I finally glance in her direction I can see that she's already looking at me, "Then Elena's dreams started and we just connected the dots," Caroline exhales like she has been holding her breath for the longest time.

"He said we wasted the cure," I say before anyone else manages to interfere, "I assume he knows about Katherine," my look flies from Caroline, over Elena, to Damon.

"We thought he's you," Damon says defensively when my eyes fall on him, "So yes, we told him. And when we did you, I mean him," he gets tangled in his own explanation, "He didn't seem to happy about it, he said we were careless. We just thought you were angry because - "

"Yeah, I get it," I interrupt him before he manages to finish that sentence. The way I see it there are only two possible endings to that sentence. Me being angry because the cure could benefit someone who really, really wants it and needs it. Stefan, always so righteous, right? Or me being angry because I gave it back to Elena and she did what she did. "Do we know what Silas actually wants?" I sit in the armchair across from the sofa Caroline and Elena are sitting on.

"Wants?" Caroline asks confused.

"I was under impression that he's just simply evil," Damon says sarcastically.

"No one is simply evil," I say, clearly annoyed by his comment. He should know this better than anyone, but he's not the first person to pop into my mind. Katherine is. "He wants something, and the cure was his way to it. Now that the cure is gone, he's exploring other options. He has some clues, but it would really help if we knew for what the clues are," I wiggle my lips, trying to solve this mystery. What could an ancient vampire, who spent a lot of time hibernating underground on a remote island, possibly want?

Something old, something from his time, something that might not even exist anymore.

"The problem is that we know nothing about Silas," Caroline chippers in.

I nod my head in confirmation. "Exactly."

"Why did he come to you?" Elena asks all of a sudden.

I shift my attention to her and her eyes drop like the weight of my look is too heavy for her. "He asked me for help, with the clues. They're more like puzzles," I leave out the part where I promised my help in exchange for everyone's safety. Because that really doesn't matter, does it?

"But why you?" she just can't let that one go, and I don't have a concrete answer for her.

"The guy is ancient. And evil. I doubt he has many friends," I answer coldly, making my own skin shiver, "I mean, why was Katherine so intent on destroying your life?" I offer an example even though the answer to that question is pretty clear to me, "Maybe it's some big doppelganger conspiracy."

I leave those words to linger in the air as the realization hits me for the first time. Both Elena and me have doppelgangers, and it's creepy. Not as creepy as my brother banging the love of my life, but still creepy.

"What are the clues?" Damon asks.

I try to will the words to my mind, and I succeed. "Well, the first one is pretty hazy, because it's incomplete. _They come in two, but their paths will never cross,_" I watch as everyone's eyes widen, "And the second one is complete, I think, but still tricky. _It has no color and no shape, none of five senses work on it, it doesn't exist unless you make it to and when you do it's in a place you cannot reach_."

They start pondering on it for a little while, but after few minutes of silence no one comes up with a conclusion.

"I still think we need to find out more about Silas himself, and what he might want, to figure these clues out. Apparently, they're the key to whatever he wants, instead of the cure, right?" Caroline stills her eyes on me.

"Yeah, I think so," I answer, my head all wrapped around these clues. The more I think about them, the more I want to figure them out.

"We have to go back to campus," Elena announces.

"Right," Caroline agrees with her.

I jump to my feet because I really don't want to witness a slimy goodbye between Elena and my brother, so I say bye to Caroline and hurry to my room.

When I reach the stairs leading towards my room, I hear her calling my name._ Stefan._ For I moment I have a feeling like I fell through a hole in the time, like I'm in some distant universe where we're still together and she's calling my name with that voice, that soft and sweet and gentle voice. I can imagine her smiling and her smile is intoxicating.

I turn around and see her stop few feet away from me.

"I know it was you who convinced Damon to come to the party," if her next words are _thank you_, I might lose it.

My first thought is that Caroline told her, but no, she would never. And neither would Damon.

So I conclude that she just knows. She always just knows. Because that's Elena for you, let her fall in love with you and your heart becomes a mechanic device in her hands. She knows the way it ticks.

"I was afraid he will start piling cats if he doesn't go out soon."

The corners of her lips curve into a smile. She doesn't say thank you, so I silently thank her for that.

"You're a good guy, Stefan," she says before turning around and disappearing into the other room.

Not good enough, I guess.

* * *

**_CAROLINE'S POV_**

_I think I was seven years old when I realized that women are weird and unpredictable and that the knowledge of the entire universe sometimes can't make sense of their choices and the way they react to things._

_This crossed my mind when I watched Elena interrogating Annie about Stefan like she's a number one wanted criminal. It was more than sheer curiosity. It was the prime example of jealousy._

_The thing is, Elena made her choice. She made her freaking choice so many times that if she makes it one more time it will turn into Sophie's choice and my body is not designed for that kind of a life._

_If Elena chose any differently she would be with Stefan as we speak, but she didn't. She chose Damon and as much as I hate to admit it, she's happy with Damon, as happy as a person in a relationship with Damon can be. My dislike for Damon aside, my point is that Elena seems really, really happy. And still, when Annie asked Stefan to accompany her to her room, Elena's eyes darted in Stefan's direction, her look full of shock and curiosity and safety and when he finally said yes, disbelief._

_I'm not saying I'm an angel when it comes to this stuff. I have my fair share of shit. And I know how it feels when your ex starts dating someone new. Hell, I know how it is to watch your ex pining over Elena Gilbert and slowly realizing he was probably pining over her all the way through our relationship. I know that pang of jealousy and wanting to prove to yourself that you were better for him - even if it was you who broke up with him. Elena took it to the whole other level._

_People often talk about men marking their property when their jealousy gets too obvious. I think that saying can apply to women as well, because Elena was an equivalent to a steam engine when Stefan left with Annie._

_"I'm not jealous, I just don't want him to get hurt," is all she had to say after I confronted her about the subject. Translation: Of course I'm jealous, who does he think he is? Just because I broke his heart doesn't mean he has the right to move on!_

_Honestly, I was angry. All I wanted to do was to enjoy a cup of extremely expensive coffee with a friend while asking her is she interested in my other friend, but Elena hijacked that mission and turned it into a wild goose chase._

_Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe I'm reading this whole thing wrong. Because if Elena is happy with Damon she has no reason to keep an eye on Stefan. Unless she's not happy, but to be honest, Elena was never that good of an actress._

_Stefan is not making things easy for anyone, though. I'm not sure what I expected from him. To break in my arms and cry his heart out? No, I think he's tired of doing that. Of regretting. Crying. Missing someone. I'm still worried for him. It's not that I don't like the way he behaves, it's refreshing, it's just that I have a feeling he's a freaking ticking time bomb and if someone says or does the wrong thing he will explode and take us all with him._

_Plus, his behavior towards Elena is unrecognizable. Still, I don't want to push him to talk about it. I would like to think he will come to me when he's ready. But it seems the worse he is to her, the more she wants to lick his wounds._

_I think Elena Gilbert has some serious problems when it comes to fixing people._

_I think I'll keep track of their behavior. It's not like I have anything better to do since Tyler still refuses to come home. He says he's finding himself, whatever that means._

_Plus, it's fun, they're like my little social experiment. One I can follow for centuries._

* * *

I climb up to my room thinking about Elena's words.

_You're a good guy, Stefan. _That's one of the worst things to say to your ex, alongside with_ it isn't you, it's me _and_ I hope we can still be friends. _It's like seeing a wounded dog in the middle of the street and driving your car right over him. The thing is you never know does the person want to torture the dog, or put it out of its misery. There are more appropriate things for both.

When I enter my room, Katherine is sitting on the edge of my bed in nothing but black, lacy panties which are too transparent, if I might add, and one of my shirts which looks like a dress on her body. I have to get her some new clothes. And her own bedroom.

I think she will be down for the shopping trip, but I'm afraid of her reaction if I propose her moving out of my room. She will probably feel like she's a burden and have one of her fits.

Katherine is one of the hardest person to understand. Century and a half later I'm more confused than I was in the beginning. There are many sides to Katherine and somehow she manages to mash all of them together to confuse you. So often you don't know if she's playing sweet to get something or because she actually is sweet, and you don't know does she want a certain thing just because she wants it or because she needs it.

"Hey," I greet her upon my arrival, but she doesn't say a word. She doesn't even lift her look from her crossed legs.

I'm not an easy person to annoy, I can take a lot of shit and keep my mouth shut, but Katherine is the only person who can push me over the edge with such little things. She always was. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I never sorted out my feelings for her. I don't think I ever will.

Honestly, I feel like Katherine is my opposite as much as she's a part of me. Not a part of me in that romantic sense of the word, but a wild part of me I want to keep down. I did a lot of shit for Katherine, and I did a lot of shit because of Katherine. She brings the best and the worst in me at the same time, and I revel in both. She always kept pushing me with her finger until I would find myself on the edge of the cliff, wanting to fall just so I can experience how it is to fly. And I wanted to pull her with me, not because I wanted her to fall, but because I wanted her to fly with me.

Things are different now. Maybe she's still in shock or whatever so her wild side is on a vacation, but now she's not pushing me so we can fly and laugh and feel free, she's pushing me so I can fall and she can watch while I do so. Not out of malice, but because one of us has to fall and she already feels like she had hit the rock bottom.

Maybe she just wants to pull me down with her.

"What the fuck, Katherine?" I say aggravated. I'm not sure what makes her lift her head, the tone of my voice or the words I use, "Why are you acting like this?" I make few steps towards her and cross my arms over my chest.

She looks at me with her deep, brown eyes, making me feel like I'm drowning in chocolate and asks bluntly, "Acting like what?" the look in her eyes is completely blank. I can't detect a single emotion in it.

She lets her legs fall down the bed, those long, lean legs covered by nothing but a smooth skin and a bonbon size birth mark on her right ankle. Her hands fall on the edge of the bed, her fingers crumbling the covers.

"Like it's the end of the world."

"Maybe it is the end of the world," she hums, the tone of her voice low.

I stay silent for a while, keeping her look in level with mine. She starts waving her lags, her toes barely touching the ground. She looks so young and innocent and just now I realize that she can't be more than 18 in human years.

She's been through too much for an 18 year old.

"Did - did I do something?" finally I ask, stammering as those words cross my lip, "Is it something I said?" I try to see any trace of emotion on her face, but even if she shows any I miss it.

_Why do I care_, is what I ask myself as I watch her. Is this one more game she's playing? Is this her last resort of having fun? Or is this Katherine, naked in front of the world, struggling with something she thinks no one understands, something no one can help her with?

_Why do I care?_

I'm not sure why but I'm sure that I do.

Finally she lets go of my look and turns her head to the side, lowering her look to the sheets.

Her fingers squeeze around the covers more tightly, her knuckles turning white.

I let my arms fall down my body. "Come on, Katherine," I take one step closer, then another, "I know you, and this isn't you," for some reason my voice is hoarse and heavy.

She inhales loudly, like she's stashing air in her lungs in case it ever disappears, "I don't think you know me at all," she says through a whisper.

Finally I close the distance between us and kneel before her, my hands resting on her bare knees. Her skin is so hot and my fingers are cold, always cold, and she shivers. But this also makes her look at me again, and now there is emotion in her eyes. Fear and curiosity and maybe even a glimpse of happiness. "Then I think it's time for me to get to know you."

* * *

**_AN: Ooh. Stefan and Katherine?_**


	7. Chapter 7

_**KATHERINE'S POV**_

_Darkness. All I remember is darkness._

_Elijah left me. The last person, the only person who really knew who Katherine Pierce is, turned their back on me. But he didn't know who I really am, he only saw glimpses of that girl, only what I chose to show him. And the times I lowered my guard down and let him see things I never showed to anyone else before._

_No one really knows who Katherine is. Katerina. Sometimes even I forget. I'm slowly losing her, I'm morphing into someone else._

_You have to know the truth. All the stories about beautiful butterflies coming out of their cocoon - they're a myth. Not all butterflies are beautiful. Sometimes they're like me, they live for more than few days. Beautiful ones live for such a small amount of time, so the world can capture their beauty, but not enjoy it. Butterflies like me live for centuries, we're a cautionary tale. We're an experiment gone wrong._

_The nature wants to keep us in the dark, because we're the proof nothing is perfect. And the nature is ashamed of us. We're a black duckling, a black sheep in the family. We don't belong._

_But we love light and we love love but we can't ever have it. Because no one will fight for us._

_No one but ourselves._

_So when Elijah left, I felt innumerable drops of rage dripping from the edges of my insides, filling me with fury and anger. There was no one to blame, no one but Elena and myself, and honestly, the first option seemed much more attractive, even if it was irrational._

_Truth to be told, Elena is not to blame for my life, she's only to blame for my jealousy. She makes me feel like I'm a lousy version of myself. Like she's so much better at living my life. But it's not my life, it's her life, and it's unfair that she has a choice and million of chances when I don't have either. I never did._

_So much time passed and I miss air._

_Out of all the things, I miss air the most. I miss riding on a horse, and having waves of it splash on the skin of my face, invading my lungs until they're so full that I feel they're going to explode._

_Now I feel air, and I don't feel it at the same time. I know it's there, I can hear it, humming everywhere around me, but it doesn't make me chilly or warm. It doesn't make me feel anything. Nothing does anymore._

_All the smells are too much now, they're not pure, natural, they're wrong and shifted and maybe this is my punishment but for what am I paying for? Why did the world decide to punish me in the first place?_

_I remember fighting Elena, shifting all of my rage at her._

_And then, darkness._

_When I swam out of it, all I could feel was a massive headache._

_Then I realized, I feel._

_Air filled my lungs and it coated my skin and I was human so wonderfully human and I was hot and cold and sad and happy and angry and at peace all at the same time. And it was wrong. Because this is not my world anymore. Everyone I love is gone. Katherine is gone. I have no one to fight for anymore._

_I do not know who I am or what I'm supposed to do now. Help me remember who I am, I plead into nothingness. Please._

_Maybe it was stupid from me to think that Damon would ever help me, especially after everything I did to him. Especially after how much pain I've caused him. I thought Stefan will, though. But Stefan was gone by the time I came there. So they locked me down there._

_At least I had time to ask myself one important question - why? Why play with Damon and Stefan the way I did? Why all the unnecessary shit I did over the centuries? Was I bored? Did I really enjoy it? Was it fun?_

_Why everything?_

_I never came up with an answer._

_Can you imagine all the guilt? It's not that I didn't know what I was doing. I'm not like Stefan when he gets himself addicted to blood. He loses himself in it. I never lost myself. I'm responsible for every move I made._

_All the people I killed._

_All the lives I destroyed._

_With each life I took, I felt guilt. But I buried it. Because I had to keep fighting._

_For what?_

_For my life?_

_Was it really worth it? Am I really worth it? Are five centuries of running and feeling guilty and missing air really worth it?_

_No. But I was fighting for myself, because that's all I was left with. And I refuse to let them take it away from me._

_I am Katherine. I am Katerina. I am nothing and everything and all that shit wrapped into one. And I am worth it._

_Because Stefan came and rescued me, so he must think I'm worth it as well. And if someone else believes that, maybe I should too._

_My Stefan. He was always mine. For more than a century now. He was mine every day I spent with him, and every day I spent without him. I carried him inside of me. He was flowing in my blood and invading my thoughts and jumping on my heart, yelling beat, beat, beat, beat for me._

_He was yelling, run Katherine, but in the other direction. Run towards me._

_But I didn't listen. If I came back for him, I would have so much more to lose. I couldn't lose Stefan. I can't lose anyone else. That's why I don't have anyone to begin with._

_I loved Damon as well, but I don't think Damon ever really loved me. Not like Stefan did. I was Damon's ultimate act of rebellion._

_For Stefan, I was one and only, until I wasn't. Until he replaced me with a better model._

_My sandy haired boy, with eyes so green it almost hurts to look at them._

_He's asking me to let him get to know me, but he doesn't know I don't exist anymore. I always left people behind because if you don't love anyone, they can't take anyone away from you. The only thing they can take is yourself, and that's the only thing you're left with anyway. That way, if you're gone, no one cares. You don't care either._

_That's why I never came back for him. I didn't leave him behind because I didn't love him enough._

_I left him behind because I loved him too much._

_With every person I left, I left a piece of myself with them. Until there was nothing left for me._

_If no one loves you, you don't really exist._

_And I can't give Stefan an answer because I don't really exist._

_Want to know a secret? I never lacked humanity. My problem is that I have too much of it._

_And my humanity is what destroyed me._

* * *

"Did you try calling Elijah?" I ask when the silence becomes awkward and that's the only question that comes to my mind. I know Elijah is the last person Katherine has been with, so maybe he's the person she truly loves. Maybe he's her soft spot, weak point.

The thing is, with Katherine, you never know who she loves and who she uses for her own selfish needs, and I'm not even sure she knows how to pull a line between the two.

"No," she answers meekly, "Elijah made it pretty clear he wants nothing to do with me, even before I became human. This wouldn't change anything, it would only make them worse," she pulls her lips into a thin, straight line, still keeping her eyes on me, always keeping her eyes on me. I can already feel the weight of silence hanging over our heads. I do not expect her to speak again, but she does. "Plus, he has his hands full with Klaus. He didn't choose me over his brother 500 years ago, he's not going to now," she opens herself to me, "Maybe that's how it's supposed to be."

_Maybe that's how it's supposed to be._

Family is supposed to stick together, no matter how fucked up their relationship is.

Katherine has no family. She told Elena Klaus killed her entire family because she escaped, to punish her. She basically signed her family's death sentences by disobeying Klaus. If she knew he would be so cruel, would she still do it?

Was this selfishness always in her core, or did Klaus plant its seed the night he took everything away from her?

All of us were so easy on judging Katherine, never asking ourselves why is she the way she is? Why do we think that we are better than her? Why do we think she's bad in the first place?

Katherine Pierce is a 500 years old mystery, but she doesn't look the day older than an ordinary teenage girl, even though there's nothing ordinary about her.

My hands are still on top of her bare knees. There's electricity between our skin which is preventing me to remove my hands. I'm melting into her.

"Talk to me Katherine," I say gently, thinking my tone of voice will encourage her to speak.

Something flares in her eyes. Fire of a strange, unknown color. "I'm going to die," she says, but she doesn't seem bothered by the fact. She says it casually, calmly, as if she just informing me that she's going to take a shower. Then her eyes go wide and become glassy. Like she finally heard her own words.

Sometimes than happens. You hear a song hundred of times, but you never really listen to it. And the one time you do, it leaves you in awe, because you know you heard those words so many times before, but they never spoke to you.

"I'm going to die," she repeats silently, tears filling her eyes.

Again, I'm ashamed of how much she reminds me of Elena, especially in this moment.

"You were never immortal, Katherine," I try to calm her down by gently squeezing her knees.

But she doesn't calm down. Tears start streaming down her cheeks, covering her strawberry skin. I have a strong urge to wipe those tears with my fingers.

"But I was something," she says finally, "I was someone. Maybe that someone was an awful person no one loved and no one cared about, but at least others were afraid of me. Now, I'm nothing, and I have nothing," her voice becomes muffled, and few words get lost when her tears reach her lips.

"That's not true," I try to calm her down, even though technically, it is true. She is truly and utterly alone and that's the most terrifying thing in the world.

"I'm going to live alone, and I'm going to die alone, and all of this will be for nothing. 500 years of trying to survive," she sobs, "Of fighting the only thing I was left with, all of that will disappear," she tries to inhale some more air between her sobs, but all she manages to do is choke on it.

While I watch her confused and lost and with her face covered in tears, her eyes puffy and red, her hair sticking to her cheeks like it's been glued to it, I see a different side of Katherine. Side I've never seen before.

I see Katherine who gave up. Katherine who lost the only thing she thought is worth keeping - herself.

And let me tell you, this girl in front of me, this crying mess, this is not Katherine.

Katherine did a lot of shit. She used a lot of wrong sources and tactics to get what she wants. She made more mistakes than I can count.

But Katherine is a warrior.

I lift my hands from her knees, barely pulling them off of her skin, and bring them to her face. I cup her cheeks, her tears sinking in the tips of my thumbs. I move the moist hair from her face. "Listen to me," I try to make her lift her eyes to mine, "Katherine, listen to me," when my voice becomes stern, she lifts her eyes so they're in level with mine. "You're going to have a wonderful life," I smile at her with a wide, genuine smile because I realize that's what I want for her. To have a brilliant life. "You will fall in love," I hum, making her still her eyes on mine without them flickering in other direction, "And you will get some poor fucker fall in love with you," she forces a laugh out of her throat. "This is what you've been running for, Katherine. This is your finish line. And I know it seems scary, but it actually is amazing."

The look she's giving me is making me uncomfortable. She's looking at me with so much affection and vulnerability that it scares me.

It scares me how familiar and pleasant it feels. Like we did this million of times before. Like we did this just yesterday, and like we will be doing it for years to come.

For a second I think I calmed her down, but she just wills more tears to her eyes. "I'm so sorry," she shakes her head, my hands still cupping her cheeks, "I'm so sorry for everything. I really did love you Stefan, you have to believe me," she starts panicking and I just nod a barely visible nod and my throat tightens because this is the first time in my life that I'm acknowledging she really did love me.

She loved me the only way she knew how, wickedly, selfishly, but truly. And I loved her the best way a 17 year old boy who knew nothing about love could.

And it was real. Even for a split of a second, it was real for both of us at the same time.

There really are many versions of the same person, I came to realize. I'm not just Stefan. Elena is right, I have changed. I was different before this summer happened. I was different before I met her. I was different while Lexi was alive. I was different when I was human.

And I'm different now. In few days, months or years something will happen which will change me and I will be a different person then.

I carry all of these version of myself but I can never be them again. They're resting in my memory, and the memory of other people, where they belong. When you live as long as I have, you leave bits of yourself with other people.

I knew Katherine, but I never really knew her. Because there are so many versions of her and I never tried to see beyond only one of those version - a version of the woman who broke my heart.

Katherine Pierce is a riddle. I do not want to solve it. Not because I don't care, but because that's the beauty of her character.

No one really knows her. I think she hardly knows herself.

"But if I came back for you, if I let you come with me, you would die, and I would have something to lose," her fingers wrap around my wrists, her eyes glistening in the light, "He would take you from me because he knows how to hurt me. And I couldn't have risked that. So I gave you up."

I wonder how many people and things Katherine had to give up over the years out of fear of losing them.

She was protecting me, in her own twisted, Katherine unique way. Maybe she's not as selfish as everyone think she is.

Maybe she doesn't care as little as we thought she did.

Maybe she cares too much.

"I know," I nod again, even though I don't really know but I'm slowly realizing it. I'm solving a puzzle in my mind.

"I know I was wrong and selfish and that I did a lot of nasty things," she keeps pouring her heart out to me, "Unnecessary things, things which were uncalled for. But he took everything away from me," I know he is actually Klaus, and I know how much Katherine fears him and hates him at the same time, "He left me by myself. I couldn't let him take that as well."

All this time she was fighting for herself. She kept walking away from people so they don't end up as her family did.

To me that doesn't sound selfish. To me, that sounds brave.

She was trying to protect herself. Elena killed two of the original brothers, killing god knows how many more vampires, vampires who might have been like us, with family and friends and loved ones, just to protect the ones she loves. How is that any different? We all have our own demons. Sometimes, we are those demons.

"It's okay, it's okay," I try to shush her by caressing her face with my fingertips.

The next thing I know she's falling into me and her face is in my shoulder blade and she's soaking my shirt with her tears. She smells like lavender and lilies and that antique smell that always follows her. Smell of the past that doesn't belong in the future but is here anyway. She's still falling into me, deeper and deeper and deeper, until I feel like she's completely inside of me, until I feel like we melted into one person.

Her lips are on mine. She's not kissing me, they're just resting there. She keeps her lips pressed on mine and when I open my eyes she's staring back at me. She seems to be as confused as I am, but she doesn't move. Her hands are on my shoulders and her lips are pressed into mine and we're staring at each other and despite everything that's been going on in my life this is probably the most uncomfortable situation I ever found myself in.

Then, the unbelievable happens. I start kissing her. I close my eyes and my lips move. My hands are back on her knees and my fingertips are melting her skin.

She kisses me back and there's no more gravity.

* * *

"Heeeey," Caroline's giddy and overly cheerful voice echoes in my ears as I find my way downstairs. She throws her arms around me, putting all of her body weight on mine, so I have to wrap my arms around her to keep her steady on her feet. "Stefan," she murmurs into my shirt with a serious tone of voice.

"Yes?" I ask wearily. Caroline is usually a cuddly bunny, but she doesn't act like this.

"Your abs are sick," she giggles, "My boobs hurt while being pressed to them," she continues giggling while trying to wiggle her way out of my hug.

What the..?

I notice a bottle of vodka swinging in her hand. I should have smelled alcohol all over her sooner.

"Why are you drunk in the middle of the day?" I cock my eyebrow in her direction.

She frowns. She plops her cell out of the pocket of her jeans and tries to steady it in her free hand. "It's not the middle of the day, silly," she looks at me with a smile on her face, "It's time for dinner!" she jumps a little, drops of vodka spilling out of the bottle.

Holy shit. The last time I checked it was a little after noon, before I went to my room and started a conversation with Katherine. Then she kissed me. Then I kissed her back. Then we kept kissing and kissing and kissing and I guess time slipped away from us.

It's not like I forgot all the pain Katherine caused me, all the pain she had caused all of us. I paid a pretty big price for falling in love with her for the first time, and I'm really not interested in what I would have to give up the second time. Maybe I trust Katherine more now, but I still don't trust her fully and I don't think that will ever change. That trust was shaken a long time ago and I don't think it can be rebuilt again.

But there is something about her. Maybe the fact she holds a part of me, that innocent boy who died all those years ago. Maybe because she's the only one who knew that boy and who still sees me as him. Maybe because she holds every part of me, because she was always there, even during the times I couldn't see her. Katherine was present in every part of my life and I left bits of myself with her.

She tastes so sweet and familiar and the person she's becoming is only one more thing added to the riddle that Katherine Pierce is. I think I want to be there to see what's coming next.

"Soon this house will be swarming with college girls and some of them are kinky," Caroline starts twirling around herself, still giggling, vodka still spilling. Damon will be furious if she gets it on the carpet.

"Excuse me?" I ask confused because I don't remember agreeing on turning this house into a sorority.

"We're having a party!" Caroline exclaims cheerfully, tip toeing around me. Caroline on caffeine or alcohol, there really is no difference.

"Stefan?" I hear a vaguely familiar voice calling my name.

I look behind Caroline and see Annie standing in the doorway, dressed in jeans and a crimson sweater, her hair tied into a high ponytail. She's not dressed for a party, not like Caroline is, but then again Caroline is always dressed for a party, currently dressed in washed, ripped jeans and a floral, sleeveless top.

"Annie!" Caroline yells her name in a high pitched voice and Annie cringes before pulling a smile for her drunk friend. Caroline pulls her into a hug, but she keeps her eyes locked on me.

"What are you doing here?" she seems genuinely surprised to see me here.

I furrow my brows, willing them to come together. "I live here."

She frowns in confusion. "I thought this is Damien's house."

Caroline bursts into fits of laughter. "His name is Damon," she releases a series of drunk giggles. I don't even think Caroline is drunk. Vampires get sober pretty quickly. I think she's just hyperactive.

Annie gives her a _whatever_ look and shakes her head.

"He's my brother," I explain, "We live here together."

I guess no one informed Annie that Damon and me are siblings because her eyes go wide with shock. "But he's with Elena."

"That's correct," as if I need anyone reminding me of that.

"And she was with you," she says. She's not asking a question, more like fitting the puzzle together.

I nod to confirm her statement because I guess this is how normal people react to our situation, people who are not a part of our lives.

She frowns. "Don't guys have some kind of a bro code for those things?"

Caroline rolls her eyes, her distaste of this conversation evident on her face. "Damon's copy got lost in the mail."

Annie keeps looking between the two of us for few seconds which is when Elena appears in the room.

She's wearing dark jeans and a purple sweater, dressed similar to Annie. Dressed so much like Elena, Elena I knew, Elena that was mine.

"There you are!" she says happily when her look falls on Caroline. It seems that Annie is the only sober one here.

"Here I am!" Caroline replies equally happy.

Elena's eyes fall on me and her expression gets a little bit more serious. "Hey," she greets me awkwardly and I nod my head to greet her back.

I do that a lot. Nodding.

"Are you okay with us having a party here?" she asks.

I nod again. It's like a reflex. I add a silent _sure_ for the sake of it.

"Is he okay?" Caroline raises her voice, "He's going to party with us!"

She pulls me by the sleeve of my shirt as we head back to the living room.

"How come you're not in college?" Annie asks. She's curious, this one.

"I already graduated," I say because it's true, I already graduated hundred of times before.

"Stefan's a doctor," Elena says before Annie gets to ask another question. She remembers that's what I wanted to be, back when I was human. I told her this once. She wanted to be a writer. She still can. "Which is a really inspirational story," she adds.

"Because Stefan has problems with blood," Caroline chuckles, "But he got over it for his one true love," there's a knot in my throat now and I glance at Caroline who is watching me with the corner of her eyes, "Medicine, of course," she ends the sentence.

I think I exhale a little bit too loud. Out of relief.

"He was in Africa for the Summer," Elena doesn't seem to get the pun. If she did, she pretends she didn't. "Like, curing newborns and stuff."

I listen to these two girls make up my life story and all I can do is smile.

"So you're older than us?" Annie asks, as if that part is not obvious already.

"Yes," I reply. A lot older.

"And your brother is older than you?" I can see Elena's shoulders stiffen. Maybe she didn't want Annie to know Damon and me related because, well, it's creepy. If she even knows that Annie knows about me and Elena.

I'm too old for this drama, which is quite ironic because I'll be perfect age for this drama for the rest of my life.

"Oh, Damon is ancient," Caroline says, and I can sense bitterness in her voice.

Soon enough the house is full of people. There are people making out on my favorite sofa. I didn't even know that so many people can squeeze on that little sofa. Damon is going after people and giving them coasters so that the beer bottles don't leave a trace on the table. It's hilarious because no one cares.

"Truth or dare!" Caroline exclaims, a bottle of vodka still squeezed securely between her fingertips. People form a circle on the floor and she pulls me down beside herself.

She says the name of some girl I haven't met and asks her some random question. I hope she's sober enough not to ask Elena who's a better fuck or something like that. I hear a series of questions being poured out, and girls drunk giggling.

"Stefan?" I hear a sleepy voice calling my name.

Oh fuck.

People stop playing the game and turn their heads to the source of the voice. Few people who are dancing stop to stare at her. Maybe because she's a complete replica of Elena, or maybe because she's standing half naked on the doorway.

I really need to get her some clothes.

After our make out session, Katherine fell asleep. The music probably woke her up, and her own curiosity brought her down here.

If you look closely you can see small differences between Katherine and Elena. Elena's hair is shorter and her curls are softer than Katherine's. Katherine's are bigger and sharper and her hair is messy from lying in bed the whole day. If you look into Elena's eyes right this moment, you would see anger and betrayal and hate. There's only fear in Katherine's. Her cheeks are strawberry and still puffy from crying, while Elena's are the color of her skin.

"Go back upstairs, Katherine," Elena says bitterly, spitting those words out like they're made out of acid.

But Katherine doesn't do as she's told. She keeps her look on me, like I'm the only person she would listen to. I wonder, if I told her to go back upstairs right this instant, would she?

"She can stay if she wants," I say, and Elena whips her head around to face me. Her look is sharp and full of disbelief. I hold her eyes for only an instant before turning my look back to Katherine.

"Katherine is Elena's sister," Caroline says to save the situation. Elena gives her a sharp look as well, but there's nothing she can do. It's not like she can say the truth. People probably thought they're twins in the first place, I doubt anyone thought Katherine is Elena's 500 years old doppelganger.

Katherine makes her way towards me and scoots herself so close to me that she almost ends up in my lap. Her hand is resting on my knee, not seductively, I don't think she had put it there on purpose, I think it was just a reflex. Her shoulder is right next to mine and I can feel her locks hoovering near my arm. I have this strong urge to cover her bare thighs so no one can see them. Caroline gives me a curious look, but I know she's too smart to ask what the fuck is going on. I don't look at Elena, but I can feel her staring at me. Staring at us. I don't want to see emotions behind her eyes. I'm not sure I'm ready.

"So, whose turn is it?" Caroline asks.

"Mine," Annie raises her arm and waves her fingers in the air, "Stefan," she calls my name and I shudder, "Truth or dare?"

Honestly, with Katherine by my side, pulling her fingers over my jeans instinctively, her head almost dropping on my shoulder, I don't feel like answering questions. Maybe because I don't know the truth myself. "Dare," I choose the other option.

Annie hums, clearly satisfied with my option, and I ask myself did I make the right call.

Something sparkles inside of her eyes, "I dare you to," she bites her lower lip, her eyes full of mischief, "To kiss Elena."

There's a bomb in my throat ready to go off. There's a big, red zero on the screen, and my throat is bleeding. Katherine stops pulling her fingers and squeezes my knee. I wonder, if I looked over at her, would I see a smirk on her face. Because this is a kind of a stunt Katherine would pull. Caroline stiffens next to me, which only makes my muscles contract more.

Elena looks at Annie, then shifts her full attention to me.

She locks her eyes on mine, but I can't read them. For the first time in years I have no idea what she's thinking.

I'm not kissing Elena. I'm not. I can't risk it. Her scent makes me go wild. The sight of her makes my blood freeze in my veins. She creates a never ending pit in my stomach by kissing someone else.

I can't kiss her, because if I do, I don't think I would be able to stop. I would kiss her until people realize we don't need air to survive.

I beg her eyes to tell me something. _It's okay Stefan, just do it_ or _no, please, get us out of this situation_. I want to see something in her eyes not so I would know what to do, but so I would know what she's thinking.

I turn my head around, my fingers slide over Katherine's cheek, and when she turns to me I pull her lips towards mine. I give her a small, light peck on the lips, but she tastes so sweet that I don't want to stop. I deepen our kiss a little and I can feel her smiling. Her lips are going up as she kisses me slowly and lazily. She's making it last.

I have no idea how much time has passed. Few seconds? An hour? A year? I'm completely lost in the way she kisses me, so softly, but at the same time like she's devouring me. Only Katherine knows to kiss like that, like she wants to suck your soul through your throat, and you let her.

I swallow her smile and it slides down my throat as easy as blood does.

Finally I pull away from her and her eyes are shimmering under the light.

"Umm," Annie says, and I realize I've been gazing in Katherine's eyes for some time, "That's not Elena."

"Sorry," I smirk, tearing my look away from Katherine's, "I always mix them up."

"No you don't," my eyes meet Elena's and this time I can sense what she's feeling. She's hurt.

And I take the dagger and plunge it deeper. "You're right, Damon does."

This is a douchey thing from me to say, but I don't care.

I never understood how was Damon able to mix them up in the first place. How can you claim to love someone and then mix them up with someone who you hate?

Unless he loved both at the same time.

I can still taste Katherine in my mouth.

* * *

_**AN: Oh, Stefan and Katherine? Honestly, I'm not a Steferine fan, they're my guilty pleasure just because of Paul and Nina. Let's say I have a soft spot for them because I adore both characters. Initially, I wanted to get a new character for Stefan. I've heard Stefan's ex, Tessa, will be coming to the show. But I'm also sick and tired of them bringing new characters while the old ones stay unexplored. So I decided to go with Steferine. I know I said there will be Stelena, and there will be, but I also think Elena and Damon breaking up all of a sudden would seem unrealistic.. when I break them up I'm going to do it in a way I think it should be done and the way I think it makes sense, and that takes time.**_

_**Thank you for reading and thank you for your lovely reviews :) I hope you enjoyed this chapter ;)**_


	8. Chapter 8

"Good morning, sunshine," I yell in Caroline's ear while shaking her shoulder. I've been doing this for the past 15 minutes, shaking her, yelling in her ear to wake up, telling her Matt Bomer is half naked in the living room, waiting for her. Nothing works, she's sleeping like she has no intention of ever waking up. After the party ended, Caroline, Elena and Annie concluded that they're in no position to go home.

Elena has a place to sleep, which is something I've been trying to avoid thinking about, but that doesn't mean the thought wasn't haunting me until early morning, when I finally fell asleep with Katherine's body little closer to me than the last time. In few days time I'll wake up with her on top of me, and I'm not sure I would complain. I took Annie to one of the guest rooms, but Caroline just collapsed on the couch and started kicking me whenever I tried to move her, so I just left her there. It's not like she's uncomfortable, judging by how she doesn't want to wake up she's more than comfortable on it.

"Come on, Care," I whine, poking her on the hip with my finger, "There's a bucket full of coffee waiting for you. Just think about those mashed coffee beans being mixed with boiling water and cream, with cinnamon on top."

Annie woke up before any of us. When I got downstairs, she just got back with cups full of coffee from Starbucks, and some donuts. She either knows Caroline pretty well, or those two things are her own daily fuel as well.

Caroline groans with her face pressed onto the pillow. "You play dirty, Salvatore," she raises her head and her hair is sticking all over her face. She looks like she has a mustache, and I chuckle. She flips her whole body around and straightens herself into a sitting position. She yawns and some of her hair gets stuck on her slippery lips. I step towards the couch and move the hair off of her face before she swallows it.

"My head is killing me," she scratches her cheek while rubbing the side of her head with her other hand, "I feel like someone stuck million of little needles in the back of my head."

"You'll live," I shrug her words off, pushing a cup of coffee in front of her. The smell fills her nostrils and she instantly budges her head up, not looking like she's about to die anymore.

Her fingers move around the cup, and usual calmness fills the lines of her face. She inhales deeply, bathing her insides with coffee steams. She closes her eyes while doing so. Some people meditate, Caroline gets off by smelling coffee.

Finally she brings the cup to her lips and takes a small sip, her whole face lightening.

"Where are everyone?" she asks while stretching out, almost knocking me in the head.

"Sleeping," my back falls against the support of the couch, "Annie is taking a shower."

She whips her head rapidly in my direction, her unruly hair getting in her eyes. She studies me for a moment before saying, "You know, you could have told me that you're sleeping with Katherine," I can sense that she's offended by me not telling her, even though there's nothing to tell.

"I'm not sleeping with Katherine," I deny it.

"Really?" she cocks her eyebrow at me, but she doesn't look amused at all, "And how do you explain last night?" she asks curiously, waiting for an explanation.

"There was no chance that I would have kissed Elena," I say honestly, the ticking feeling reappearing in my chest, and her muscles relax, "So I did the first thing that popped into my mind."

She crinkles her nose before frowning. "Won't that confuse Katherine?" she remembers I told her about Katherine's weird behavior. Maybe Caroline was right about the way Katherine feels.

"Katherine and me had an honest conversation earlier in the day," I admit, leaving out the kissing part, at least for now. I don't think Caroline is ready for it.

"Are you sure this isn't about Elena?" she asks, a look full of sympathy painting the lines of her face.

No, I'm 100% absolutely not sure that this has nothing to do with Elena. "Yes, Caroline, I'm completely sure that this has nothing to do with Elena."

She exhales sadly. "I thought you like Annie," I think she meant to say that she hoped I like Annie.

I put my hand, palm down, on her back, and start pulling circles on it. "I think I'm done with humans," I smile at her.

"Katherine is human," she hums, her way of telling me she can see right through my bullshit. She always can.

Yeah, but most of the times it feels like she's not.

"So," I decide to change the subject, "What's up with the party last night?"

"We just felt like it," she shrugs it off.

I chuckle. "Caroline," I say her name as a warning, "You like to plan what you're going to wear the day before, so a spontaneous party doesn't really fit you," I say, making her smile.

Soon, that smile falters, and she inhales deeply before looking me in the eye and saying, "Tyler's coming back."

* * *

Caroline explains to me that she's not sad about Tyler's return, she's nervous. She doesn't know what this means for them. She doesn't know what he has been doing all these months. He says he was finding himself, so what if he did and he realized there's no room for her in his life? She's scared, if you look deep into her eyes, you can see tiny fragments of fear swimming in there. They're like a shadow in her big blue expressive eyes. It makes her look less strong than she actually is.

When Caroline has emotions which she cannot control, she becomes spontaneous. I'm grateful that throwing a last minute party and getting drunk is the high of her spontaneity, because seeing Caroline losing herself to the point of no return would break me more than I care to admit to myself.

I do wonder myself what Tyler has been doing by himself all this time, and if his actions hurt Caroline more than the distance between the two of them already did, I have no problems with locking him up in a cellar and breaking his spine every time he regains consciousness.

You know how when someone gets hurt or left behind, people tend to say that person is the last person on Earth who deserved such a thing to happen to them? Well, Caroline is the last person on Earth who deserves such thing to happen to her, and I'm saying this even before I know for sure Tyler is going to hurt her.

I hope he doesn't, for both of their sake. They've been through too much shit to stop fighting now.

But, speaking from my personal experience, sometimes it's not your call when the fight stops. Sometimes you lose even before you throw a punch.

You have to admire Caroline for waiting for him, though. That's something the two of us have in common. We're always waiting. Waiting for the people we love to love us back.

I walk into my room and catch Katherine wide awake, brushing her hair. The hairbrush goes right through her soft curls, and when it leaves her hair, the curls just pop right back in their initial position, in the level of her shoulders.

She smiles when she catches my reflection in the mirror.

I guess I became accustomed to drowning, because I can feel myself sinking deeper into her eyes until she swallows me whole.

Everyone say how Katherine and Elena look alike. When you look at them closely, they really don't. Katherine is beautiful in all the ways Elena isn't, just like Elena is beautiful in all the ways Katherine isn't.

I tell myself I smile back at her out of politeness because I'm not ready to admit to myself that the sight of her makes me smile.

"Get dressed," I tell her. She turns around on her heel and looks at me surprised.

"Why?" she asks, confusion flickering in her eyes.

"We're going shopping," I announce, because she really needs clothes, "Plus, it's time for you to leave the house."

Her fingers wrap tightly around the handle of the brush, she grabs it so tight that her knuckles turn white. "Leave?" her voice is hushed and muffled, like she never meant for that word to leave her mouth.

"Yeah, you've been locked inside," I want to say days, but the truth is that she's inside for months, "For a very long time," I opt to say, "Fresh air will do you good."

She relaxes immediately. Why was she so tense? Did she think that I meant it's time for her to leave forever?

"What are we shopping for?" her voice goes back to normal.

"New clothes for you, of course."

Her eyes shimmer, and she pulls a wide smile across her face. I knew this will cheer her up.

She puts on the only clothes she has, one she came here in, one that's been washed but she never wanted to wear until now, when she has no other choice. We take the car because I have no idea how we would manage all those shopping bags on my bike, and head towards the only decent mall Mystic Falls has.

We walk into various shops and never leave them empty handed. She hands me the bags while browsing and trying on new clothes. Some of them are so Katherine like, then the others surprise me by how little they resemble her previous taste. I pay for everything with cash, and the lady behind the counter tells us we make an adorable couple. The other tells Katherine she's lucky to have me. Katherine blushes at those words. The sight of seeing Katherine blush is something completely new to me. Something I'm still trying to get used to.

I sit while Katherine is trying out clothes. She never asks for my opinion because she very well knows I don't have one. In one of the shops she calls for me, though. I'm far away from the dressing rooms, and her voice is silent, almost a whisper, but due to my vampire hearing I can hear her calling my name. I walk over to the dressing rooms. We're alone in the shop, except for a girl behind the counter who's reading a magazine and blowing her gum a little bit too loud.

"Katherine," I say her name because I can't tell for sure where she is.

In a dressing room on my right, an arm pops out and fingers wrap around my wrist. I feel the familiar electricity of her skin when it comes in contact with mine, so I let her pull me in through the curtain.

There's not enough space in the dressing room for both of us. "Katherine, what the - " I say, but she interrupts my sentence by crashing her lips into mine. She tastes like green tea she had earlier and her lips are as soft as silk. I open my mouth and kiss her back, which is when she puts her arms around me, over my shoulders, her fingers wandering over to the nape of my neck. My hands fly to her waist which is when I notice that she's bare. I dig my fingers into her skin, and she moans into my mouth.

I lower my fingers to her hips, to make sure she's not completely naked. I can feel a thin, rough fabric, and I clutch my fingers on the hem of what I believe is her panties, like I'm trying to yank them down, when in reality I'm trying to steady myself.

Katherine is a poison and antidote all wrapped into one. Her kisses poison me, but they're the only thing that can cure me as well. The cruelty of life.

I can feel her leg going _up, up, up, up_ my leg, until she finally jumps and throws her legs around my waist. I lower my hands to her bottom to steady her body weight on mine.

She releases another moan, this one followed by a smile, and I swallow them both.

I can feel her throat contracting, her lungs begging for air, but she's too selfish to allow them such luxury. Sometimes I forget Katherine is human now. I detach my lips from hers and I can hear her gulp for air, greedily. My lips fall on her neck. She has such a smooth skin. Her fingers go into my shoulder blades, and she arches her back.

I think I found her special spot.

I pull my fangs over her neck, accidentally. She shivers, but not in a bad way. She shivers because there's too much pleasure for her body to take. I pull my fangs across the thin skin of her neck again, and her fingers go deeper into my skin.

This is such a bad idea.

I pull my lips from Katherine's neck and slowly put her on the ground. Her legs leave my waist. I'm not going to do this until I figure out what this really is. Until I find a way to prove to myself that this has nothing to do with Elena and everything to do with Katherine.

And if I sleep with her, it's not going to be in a tiny dressing room.

When I pull my body away from hers, I finally get to see what she's wearing. Nothing but velvet red underwear.

I smirk. "That looks good on you," I lift my eyes to hers. I don't want her to think I'm rejecting her even though that's exactly what I'm doing. "You should take it."

She doesn't seem rejected, though. She seems satisfied. The last thing I see before leaving the dressing room is a mischievous grin reflecting in her eyes.

* * *

When we arrive home, both of us laughing at some story she finished telling five minutes ago, I catch a glimpse of Damon and Sheriff Forbes in the living room. Damon motions for me to join them. I help Katherine take the bags upstairs, where she can try everything she bought one more time.

"Sheriff Forbes," I greet her by nodding my head politely in her direction.

She's staring at me like she has seen a ghost. Or like I have something on my face. Do I have something on my face?

"You have some blood in the corner of your lips," she says matter-of-factly. I remember the times when she would pull her gun out at me upon seeing blood on my face.

The thing is, I didn't have any blood today. I brush my thumb over the corner of my lips and look at the red spot on the tip of my finger.

_Katherine's lipstick._

Damon must know it's not blood. If it was, he could have smelled it.

So I don't raise my look to meet his.

I put the thumb between my lips. "Mmm," I murmur, "A positive, my favorite."

This time Sheriff Forbes cringes, and I can see Damon rolling his eyes from the corner of my eye.

"So, is there something I can help you with?" I ask politely, crossing my arms across my chest.

"We were discussing Silas," Sheriff Forbes says even before Damon has a chance to form a thought, "He did a lot of damage this summer. Killed a lot of people," she exhales. There's nothing else she can do, really. Mass killing in Mystic Falls is yesterdays news. Everyone are used to it, everyone are staying away from this little town. Except more monsters, the ones even us are scared of. "Damon tells me he contacted you."

I look over at Damon. I'm not sure how much Liz knows about mythology and everything supernatural that's been going on, like doppelgangers and similar stuff. I'm not even sure does she know the girl upstairs turned her daughter into a vampire. "Yeah, the other night," is all I say.

"Do you know why he came to you?" she asks curiously, squinting in my direction.

"We have a special bond," I say sarcastically, even though it's true. In a way, we do. "He's looking for something. We don't know what, but we will start looking into Silas."

"If we find out more about him, maybe we find out more about what he actually wants," Damon meddles.

Sheriff Forbse's cell makes a beep sound and she takes it out of her pocket to read the text. She frowns, but doesn't inform us of the problem. Probably something human related. "Sounds good," she stands up and starts walking towards the front door, "I have to go back to my job now, but I would be grateful if you kept me updated," is the last thing she says before she disappears outside.

I look at Damon and he's already watching me carefully. "Where were you?" he asks suspiciously.

"I don't see how my whereabouts are any of your concern," I don't like feeling like a child who needs to be taken care of 24/7.

"Is that your way of not wanting to tell me that you and Katherine were braiding each others hair and making friendship bracelets?" he smirks.

_Is that jealousy I sense in your voice, brother?_

"We were shopping," I exhale tiredly because I'm not in the mood for a fight.

"For what?" he frowns.

God, he is nosy.

"Clothes," I shrug, "We can't let her walk around the house half naked."

Damon's smirk deepens. "I don't remember hearing you complain," he chuckles.

"Neither do I remember hearing you complain," I add as I turn around to leave the room.

_Neither do I._

* * *

**_AN: I love Steroline friendship, they're so adorable that they make me weep from joy._**


	9. Chapter 9

Elena and Caroline brought all of the books they could get their hands on yesterday after classes. They robbed their college library and private stash of few of the professors, who were more than happy that someone is taking some extra interest in their lectures. We've been working on them since yesterday afternoon, and we only stopped to get few hours of sleep. Caroline stopped few more times to get a coffee refill.

We found out some pretty interesting things about Silas since pretty much all we knew about him was his name and things Shane told us, but we decided his information can't be trusted. Most of the things he said turned out to be true, though. Silas is a 2000 year old warlock, first immortal being in the world. He wanted to create a spell for immortality and asked another witch, Qetsiyah, to help him. She agreed because apparently she had hots for him. I mean, I can understand her, he is ruggedly handsome. She thought they will be together forever, but Silas had another boo. When Qetsiyah found out she got angry and killed Silas' love, created the cure for immortality, thinking he will take it and join her in the purgatory for supernatural beings she created so they can spend an eternity forever, and locked him in the same cave we had found him in. Silas didn't take the cure, though, he chose to dessicate, in hope someone will find him and free him.

Nice move buddy, you know, for a psycho.

If you ask me, Qetsiyah was a raging bitch. Just because a guy asks you to help him make an immortality spell doesn't mean he wants to spend an eternity with you. And killing his love won't make him change his mind.

Silas wants to get reunited with his love. He seems desperate to do so. I feel the guy. I guess that's why he needed the cure, but now that it's lost to him, he found another option. I mean, he seems pretty harmless. He just wants to be with the woman he loves. It's like he's attacking us with rainbows and smiling puppies. If that is his only agenda. Nothing in the books makes us think otherwise, and I doubt there's anything more to it since he was pretty much dead for 2000 years. Still, he is very powerful, and it's good to be cautious.

None of the books say anything about the clues he brought to me. That's the part I'm interested in the most. I'm dying to solve them, but they're incomplete. They make no sense. Nothing about him makes me think otherwise, it's like the clues are not even connected to him. Or they include more people than just him. Books don't mention him having a doppelganger, either. At least not the ones we have in our possession.

My eyes are sore. I'm bored. I can't concentrate. Elena is showing too much skin. Caroline catches me looking but says nothing. Who wears shorts in late September? It's like she wakes up with a fresh, new thought on how to torture me.

Katherine offered her help, which surprised me. It surprised everyone. Her outfit surprised everyone more than her offer to help. It's so not Katherine. Too little leather, I guess. Or no leather at all, to be precise. She's sitting on the floor, her legs crossed underneath her, her eyes staring intently at the book in her lap. There are crumbs in the corners of her lips from the chocolate chip and peanut butter cookie she's eating. I want to lick them off. Every now and then she catches me glancing at her and smiles at me. I smile back. Caroline sees this as well, but doesn't say anything. I think Damon sees it too because he's making a weird face expression. He's the only one who seems to be enjoying this because he's reading everything with interest.

"This is useless," Elena throws herself on the couch, full length, thick, brown book falling from her lap on the floor, "I wish Bonnie was here, she would know what to do," she whines.

Okay, I'll just let the other shoe drop because this is getting ridiculous.

I clear my throat through a cough. "Did you guys notice that Bonnie is dead?" I ask casually because what else is there to it?

I know they didn't notice and that's too sad to even talk about it.

Everyone look at me with eyes full of shock. Everyone but Jeremy. There's fear in his eyes. He's gripping to his book tightly. If he continues he's going to rip it in half. He knows. I thought so.

I feel like Katherine is fighting the urge to scoot next to me for protection, because she feels the next words that come out of my mouth will scare her. Damon closed his book. He's squinting in my direction. Caroline's eyes are wide, but also blank. Elena pulls her body straight up into a sitting position.

"What?" she looks at me, a frown appearing on her face, wrinkling the skin of her forehead, "Bonnie is visiting her mom for the summer," she says matter-of-factly.

I expected her to be surprised, shocked, in denial. I never expected her to push my words away so calmly, like they're not even worthy of consideration. Jeremy is biting his lower lip now, nervously. His eyes flicker with sadness. Katherine notices it and gives me a look like she wants to tell me that she believes me.

"Summer ended," I say simply. I have no intention of arguing with her, not if she's going to be so stubborn about this. Not if she's going to dismiss everything I say so easily.

"Maybe she decided to stay for few more days," Caroline adds, but I can tell she doesn't even believe in her own words, "Maybe's she's having fun," she chokes out, her voice tearing up.

Elena looks at her with shock, making her feel guilty for even considering my words.

Caroline lowers herself deeper into the couch and whimpers silently. I want to comfort her.

"She's not dead," Elena spits those words out like they're a venom. She spits them out at me and my skin burns.

"When did you hear from her the last time?" I ask, knowing this question will prove my point. But I don't feel victorious about proving my point. There's nothing to be happy about.

Elena's whole face falls because both of us know it's been months since they talked. Jeremy was probably the one to deliver them the message because Bonnie herself wasn't able to do it.

"Did she ever go away for the whole summer and never call, not even once?" I keep pushing this subject because no one says anything and I need them to say something because Bonnie deserves more than this silence.

"The last time she left," Caroline's whimpers are becoming louder now, turning into full blown sobs. I want to pull her into my arms and wipe her tears away and tell her that everything will be alright but that's a lie and Caroline doesn't like to be lied to. "We talked on the phone everyday," she starts crying. I hate it when she cries. It's heartbreaking.

"How do you know?" Damon asks. He seems shaken by this piece of information, even though his relationship with Bonnie is shaky. Saying it's non existent would be wrong, because there's too much of that something there, something everyone notice but no one talks about. "How did you figure it out?"

"Silas told me," I don't say when, now, few days ago, or three months ago, because it doesn't really matter.

Elena's look is still on me, but after I say those words her look deepens, sharpens. It stings every inch of my skin. "You knew?" she asks in disbelief, "You knew this whole time?" her tone of voice pretty soon turns into disgust.

"Don't blame me for knowing," my eyes are like daggers and they're darting straight towards her, "Blame yourself for not knowing."

She gasps. It's one of those silent gasps which can cause an earthquake. Like a clap of butterflies wings.

"Plus, there's someone who was able to tell you far sooner than I did," my eyes dart to Jeremy. I hate putting him in this situation but he should have told them. This isn't something he can take care of by himself, if there's something to take care of.

Everyone follow my look and shift their attention to Jeremy.

"Jeremy?" Elena says his name in the form of a whisper.

He stays silent for a long time. A little bit too long. Guilty people usually do. They either try to run or they bury themselves in silence. Jeremy has nowhere to run to.

"She didn't want anyone to know," is what he says after a long period of silence.

His words almost make me chuckle because they're so Bonnie, but I know that would be highly inappropriate in this situation. "Of course she didn't," I murmur. Why would she ruin everyone's summer with something so irrelevant as her being dead?

"She saved me," he releases a new piece of information, "She brought me back," his voice is full of guilt.

She gave her life for his.

"And she died while doing so," Damon concludes, his voice indicating he regrets her decision, which surprises me. I guess he thinks he has more use of Bonnie than Jeremy. No one cares about his tone of voice, though.

"Why didn't you tell us?" Elena asks gently. She always uses this tone of voice when she's talking to Jeremy. Gentle. Like she's coddling a newborn.

"She asked me not to!" he raises his tone, like he's angry at her for not paying attention because he had said it already, "I figured I owe her that much. I have been reading all these books, trying to figure out how to bring her back. That's what I'm doing every second I spend awake" he exhales, his brows furrowing, "I'm not even going to school," at this moment that piece of information is so irrelevant but he knows it will piss Elena off.

Elena shifts her attention to Damon who looks like he would cover himself with his ears if he was able to. "I thought you're dropping him off in front of the school, like I asked you to!" she yells at him, clearly frustrated by million little things. She's taking all of her anger out on him.

Damon looks guilty as well. He doesn't like playing babysitter, but he probably didn't want to say no to Elena.

"God, Damon!" she raises her voice. She's not actually angry at Damon, she's angry at this situation and how nothing is ever alright in our lives.

It's like a zoo in here. Caroline is crying so hard that she's making inhumane noises, there's smoke coming out of Elena's nostrils and ears, Damon is pouting for his own mistake, Jeremy is clearly angry because he's stabbing me with his look. Katherine looks like she doesn't belong here.

It shouldn't be like this. It shouldn't be about them. It should be about Bonnie.

If I knew this will happen, I would keep my mouth shut, just let Jeremy deal with it until he breaks under the pressure, or gets kicked out of school.

I have to leave this room and this house and this life.

"Come on Jeremy," I lift myself to my feet, "I'll give you a ride to school."

He seems desperate to leave as well because he obliges without hesitation.

* * *

"That was such a dick move," Jeremy spits out at me once we get into the car, "Telling them about Bonnie," I glare at him until he rolls his eyes and puts his seat belt on.

I put the car into ignition and the engine purrs like a baby. I take us away from the house, we slide through a muddy road between two lines of trees, and both of us keep silent until we reach the main road.

"She thinks so too."

The road is clear, there's no one coming in the opposite direction and the nearest car is far ahead of us, disappearing behind a curve in the road, so I decide it's safe to take my eyes off of the road for a moment to look at him. "She's here?" I ask before pulling my eyes back on the road.

He exhales. "She's always here," I take it he's not too happy about it, but he's the only person who can see her so it's not like she has much choice but sticking with him. "How long did you know?"

I'm hesitant to answer. "Long time. It's not like I was in any position to tell anyone."

"So why did you now?" he asks reluctantly.

That's a good question. Why did I choose this day? If Elena hadn't made that comment, would I still keep my mouth shut?

"I think I was just too fed up with it," I say finally because I have to give him an answer, "When I first realized that they don't know she's dead, it was so sad that it became laughable. How can some disappear from your life for months and you be okay with it?" maybe this is a little bit more personal than I initially thought, "I mean, if Bonnie wasn't calling them, why weren't they calling her?" I want to say _it's like they don't even care_, but then I remember she's here with us and I don't want to hurt her. Not more than she's already hurting.

"I was just trying to respect her wishes," he adds. I guess it makes sense. That explains his behavior though, how distant and silent he's been. He was carrying the burden of her death all by himself.

I understanding him, about wanting to respect her wishes. The thing is, that always backfires on you. Just because someone wants something doesn't mean it's good for them. But then again, who are you to tell them that they're not allowed to do something?

People make their own choices, and they pay a fair price if they make the wrong ones.

"Did you find something? In the books?" I'm not in the mood for giving him a lecture how he was supposed to tell everyone about Bonnie, so I skip it.

"No," he exhales disappointed, shaking his head, "Nothing to apply to her case."

Silence fills the car again, squeezing in between the two of us, until we reach the school parking lot.

"You really shouldn't skip school anymore," I say as he grabs the door handle.

"What do you care?" he frowns, "You're not with my sister anymore, so I'm not your responsibility."

"Just because we're not together doesn't mean - " _that I don't love her anymore_. I stop myself from finishing that sentence. "Just don't do it."

It's not just about Elena, though. Jeremy kinda grew on me. Being in a relationship with Elena means being in a relationship with almost everyone in her life, especially her family and closest friends. That's not so hard to do, because when you see how much she loves them, you fall in love with the way she loves them, and you want to protect him too, without being asked to do so. It just becomes an instinct. Want to protect Elena? Protect the people she loves first.

He furrows his brows and I'm not sure is he displeased because he knows what I wanted to say, or is he confused because I never finished my sentence. He gets out of the car without a word, and I drive off.

* * *

When I get home I find Caroline sitting on the couch, in the same position I've left her in, staring at one spot on the wall. She's staring at it so intently that for a moment I consider turning around to see what she's staring at, convinced there's actually something on the wall. There isn't. She's just in shock.

"Hey," I greet her, hoping the sound of my voice will make her snap out of it.

Her look doesn't move. She doesn't move. Her lips fall open just enough for the words to crawl out of them. "Hey," the word sounds sour.

I move towards her and occupy an empty seat beside her. Elena is probably with Damon, and Katherine retreated back to my room.

"How are you feeling?" I try to get more out of her, even though I know the chances of that happening are low.

"Why didn't you tell me?" she asks silently, casually. There's no evident emotion in her voice. This is not Caroline. This is some zombie pretending to be her. Caroline feels everything, she shows everything, even if it's rage.

My lower lip quivers. "I don't know," I say honestly. I don't know why I didn't tell her. Why I didn't tell any of them. Maybe I was mad at her too, for not noticing. Maybe I was afraid what would have happened if she never noticed there's something wrong with me.

We sit there in silence, which isn't awkward. It's comfortable. Even if it's squeezing all around me, it feels like a fluffy cushion. In silence, she tells me more than I need to know, and sometimes it brings tears to my eyes. In silence, I remember that I met her when her heart was still beating, when she was an insecure 17 year old who wanted to click her heels three times and disappear.

I forgive her for not noticing and she forgives me for not saying anything and we don't use words. We just know that we're forgiven.

"So, you and Katherine?" she asks, a soft smile gliding over her lips as she turns her head to look at me.

This time I don't even try to deny it, because there's a whole lot to deny and I'm tired of it. "Me and Katherine," I confirm.

Her voice is curious. Nowhere near cheerful, not yet, but curious. "Why?"

I guess that's the question of the day. Why care about me? Why Katherine? Why, why, why?

"I don't really think there's a question to that answer, Caroline," I tell her the truth. Saying I don't feel anything for Katherine would be a lie, saying that I love her would be an even bigger lie. So there's no answer to why. Just because.

Just because she kissed me and I liked it. Just because she cried and I thought she looks beautiful. Just because she told the truth and I believed her.

Caroline nods because she believes me too.

* * *

**_CAROLINE'S POV_**

_I'm mad at Stefan for not telling me. I'm mad at Jeremy for keeping such a stupid promise. I'm mad at Bonnie for dying. I'm mad at the world because I feel like we're the rug under which it sweeps all the trash._

_But mostly I'm mad at myself._

_Am I really that selfish? That self centered? What have I been doing for the whole summer? Nothing, that's what. I've been missing Tyler and I've been missing Stefan and I never remembered to miss Bonnie. I never remembered to wish for her to come home. Because I knew she is going to come home. I thought she is. _

_I've swept Bonnie under a rug so I can always find her, but then the storm came and blew her away. _

_And now I miss her. And now I want her to come home. And I feel so hypocritical about it. I feel so hypocritical about it that my tears froze inside of my body because I'm never warm enough. I'm an iceberg and everything keeps crashing into me. I'm the reason everything is sinking._

_They gave me Tyler back but took away Bonnie. How can I be happy in misery and miserable in happiness?_

_I just want so sleep. Maybe she finds a way to visit me in my dreams. Maybe I find a way to tell her how sorry I am - for not noticing, for not calling, for not thinking about her as much as I was supposed to._

_How can Stefan handle everything he did because this guilt is crushing me. I'm afraid that by morning I'll be nothing but the pile of ashes._

_I want to sleep. I'm not sure if I want to wake up._

* * *

Katherine doesn't ask me any of the questions that begin with why and I'm grateful for that. She doesn't ask me about Bonnie either, like she can sense that's something I don't want to talk about.

Maybe I should have told them right away. Would have they believed me? Is there something we can do? Bonnie is a witch, if someone can bring back the dead, it's her. So how to bring back someone who's in charge of bringing people back from the dead?

Does she want to come back? To a world where she's used as a magic source, among friends who forgot about her?

What a silly question. Of course she wants, because Bonnie doesn't care much about being loved, but she does care about loving others. I wish she would stop letting people push her around.

I wish I would stop as well. I'm tired of it. Maybe she is too. Maybe that's why she didn't want anyone to know. Maybe she's resting from the questions everyone want her to magically create answers to.

Katherine's head is on my chest and my fingers are in her hair. It's as soft as silk.

I wanted to ask her does she want to move into her own room now when I realize I'm the one who doesn't want her to leave. I want to keep her forever, sometimes forgetting Katherine doesn't have a forever anymore.

She didn't try to kiss me or anything else. When I came to bed, she simply scooted herself closer to me, placed her head on my chest and threw her arm across my body, her fingers going up and down my arm.

I can feel her heartbeat, I can hear every sharp breath she takes. I'm jealous. I forgot how air feels when it fills my lungs and invades my nostrils. I forgot how it feels to be chilly or warm. I envy her because she knows all of these things, she got a chance to experience them all over again. I wonder is it different from the first time.

"I have to tell you something," I say after we stay in that position for good twenty minutes.

I can feel her body stiffen against mine and I wonder will she ever stop expecting bad news.

She doesn't answer, but waits patiently for whatever I have to share with her. Her breath becomes sharper and faster, her intakes quickening.

"I think I know how they found me."

She relaxes, but her curiosity kicks in. She turns her head, her chin pointing to my chest now, so she can look me in the eyes. "How?" a small frown decorates her forehead.

"Remember Elena's dreams? About me drowning?"

Katherine nods, her eyes stilled on my face.

"She's not the only one who has been having dreams."

Her eyes go wide with shock, but she never lifts her head from my chest.

"I've been having them too, of her. I was calling for her," I'm almost ashamed to admit this to Katherine, and I can't figure out why, "I think she was just answering."

"Do you know why?" her throat contracts, words fighting their way up.

Katherine asks her first why question, but I don't mind, because I've been asking myself the same thing for quite some time.

"I have no idea," I shake my head to emphasize my point.

She turns her head around and lowers it on my chest again. "I think I know someone who can help you."

I furrow my brows. "You do?"

"Well, not personally. Couple of years ago I've heard of this witch who supposedly holds unbelievable amount of power. Her own coven kicked her out for doing illicit magic. She doesn't do magic anymore, but people often go to her for answers."

I'm not sure what to say about this. If this witch is so powerful and all knowledgeable, maybe she can help me. Maybe she can help us with the clues Silas gave us, or with how to bring Bonnie back.

"You still love her, don't you?" Katherine holds her breath.

I don't answer. Not because I don't know, but because I don't want to say it out loud. I don't want to hear it. Not for her, not for anyone.

"You're not her choice anymore," Katherine says, but her voice is not bitter. She's stating a fact.

"I know," _but she is mine_.

Katherine exhales tiredly. Her eyelids fall closed.

"It's okay, I can wait," she yawns, laying her palms gently on my chest, "I've been waiting for a long time."

* * *

**_AN: I love Katherine. Writing Steferine was such a bad idea, I'm not sure I'll be able to break her heart._**


	10. Chapter 10

Katherine stirs next to me. Her head is still on my chest, her hair flowing all over my shirt. She fell asleep in this position and hasn't moved in her sleep, not even once. It feels good, having someone pressing next to me again, especially as I wake up. It's a comforting feeling, her body heath radiating and sinking into my skin.

I woke up some time ago but she looked so peaceful so I didn't want to disturb her by making any sudden movements. Now I'm glad she's waking up, I can't imagine being so motionless for much longer.

She yawns and stretches, one of her arms flying across my chest. Her eyelids flutter and soon enough she opens her eyes, slowly, carefully.

"Good morning," I whisper while removing few stranded strains of hair off of her face.

It takes her few seconds to absorb her surroundings and once she does, she smiles while softly murmuring, "Morning."

She rolls off of my chest into the comfort of the sheets, which she wraps around herself, refusing to get up. I chuckle at her laziness. I guess if I've been running for the past 500 years, I'd want to spend a lot of time doing nothing.

I, on the other hand have to get up and continue with my highly pointless, yet exciting, life.

As I'm ready to bounce off of the bed, I feel her fingers wrap around my wrist. She pulls me back and I let her. I fall on top of her, placing my hands on each side of her body for support. Her arms wrap around my neck, pulling me _down down down_, closer to her body, my nose is nuzzling against hers, I can feel her long eyelashes coming in contact with mine, but none of it is as exciting and pleasurable as when our lips meet.

Her lips are thin and long, young and old at the same time, her kisses sloppy in an experienced kind of way. She's not kissing to seduce, she's kissing to feel closeness. She fills my mouth with air, puffs and clouds and bags of fresh air which feels inconvenient to me.

I can hear footsteps on the stairs leading to my room. They're fast and light. I try to wiggle away from her, but she doesn't let me. She can't hear the floating footsteps without the sharpened hearing.

I detach my lips from Katherine's forcefully, but it's too late.

"Stefan, are you - " I hear Elena say just as I'm ready to pull my lips away.

I can feel Katherine's body tense underneath me. I push myself off of her, and whip my head around rapidly, my eyes falling on Elena's shocked face.

She's standing in the middle of a doorway, her eyes wide with shock and disbelief and _disappointment_, her lips parted slightly, like she's about to say something, but no sound comes out. We stare at each other for a while, her look flickering between me and Katherine. I can't even force myself to look at Katherine because I'm afraid Elena will disappear even before I get a chance to explain, even though I have no idea where would I start.

Why do I feel a great amount of shame all of a sudden?

Me averting my look is not a factor in making Elena disappear, she does that with my look carefully stilled on her figure. She shakes her head, her eyes filling with some unnoticeable emotion, before she turns around and disappears down the stairs.

I speed in her direction. "Elena, wait!" I yell after her even though I have no idea what I'm going to say to her if she does decide to wait.

When I come down I find her standing in the middle of the living room with her arms crossed across her chest. She glares at me, angrily, sadly, disappointingly, a mix of emotions I never thought I'll see in her eyes, not when her look is directed to me.

"That was Katherine," she says calmly, in a way calmness scares you because you expect the person to shout at you, you want them to shout at you because you deserve it. "You were kissing Katherine."

I'm not sure where she's going with this since I very well know who I've been kissing. Maybe this is her way of coping, or maybe she's in denial. Or maybe she's hoping I'm delusional, maybe she's hoping that I wasn't aware of who I'm kissing, or that maybe I was forced into it.

None of this is true, so I say silently, "Yes."

"You hate Katherine," she states, like she's trying to understand. Maybe she's not angry, maybe she's just surprised. Maybe she wants to understand, not judge.

"I'm not sure I do," my throat contracts, making it harder for the words to get out, and I say it because it's true. I used to hate Katherine, but I'm not even sure that girl upstairs is Katherine, and I definitely don't hate her.

Her eyes shimmer even though there's barely any light in the room. They shine by their own. "Why?" she asks, her voice desperate.

_Because you ruined me._ Because you left me. Because I'm not allowed to kiss you and hug you and love you anymore. Because you're standing here, in front of me, looking beautiful in simple jeans and a low cut, green sweater. Because I waited for you, because I keep waiting for you, and you're not even walking in my direction anymore. Because you chose to be with someone else and now you're asking me why am I kissing someone else, when you do it everyday. Because she was there and she was sad and she was beautiful and you have no idea how much she reminds me of you, especially now.

Because I can't seem to forget you. You're in my veins, you're in every inch of my skin, you're everywhere but you're not mine. That's why.

But I say nothing. There's so much to say. I hate questions that begin with why, but I have so many answers to this one. Yet, I can't share them, not even one.

"Did you forget everything she did to you? To me? To us? To everyone we know," her voice is becoming teary.

Part of me wants to tell her that who I kiss and why I kiss them is none of her concern.

And then the other part..

The other part of me wants to scream how sorry I am, for everything. How sorry I am for the way I've been treating her since I came back, but that she has to understand that I haven't been myself lately. How sorry I am for the way things ended between us, how sorry I am for being weak and scared and a coward, telling her all those months ago that I can't do it anymore. I shouldn't have given up on her, I should have fought for her. I was tired, though, so tired of watching her fall in love with someone else.

She's standing in front of me, with her big, doe eyes locked on mine, and it reminds me of the way she used to look at me. Like I have answers to all of her questions. It takes me back to the time when Damon took her humanity away, when that look was gone, replaced by a blankness of her stare. I was so mad at him for doing so, but it was no longer my call, because she was no longer mine to take care of. She didn't kiss me or sleep in my bed or come to me for comfort anymore. But she was always so strong and so beautifully _human_, and when I say human I'm not referring to her ability to breathe, but to all the emotions pent up in her eyes. Happiness, sadness, fear, pleasure, hunger, love, hate, compassion, everything a person can feel she felt it and it made her so beautiful.

If you truly love this girl, how can you take away something that makes her truly beautiful? That makes her _her_. Even if there's no other way, you create it.

Still, I say nothing.

"Stefan - " she starts saying, but never gets to finish her sentence.

Everything starts shaking, like there's an earthquake. This planet is shattering under our feet. I'm spinning in circles. Something blinds me, I feel like a star fell from the sky and crashed into my face.

Then it stops. Everything calms down, there's no more piercing light.

But we're not in the mansions living room anymore.

* * *

_**ELENA'S POV**_

_When I see Stefan kissing Katherine, it rips me open from the inside. I feel like someone is doing a surgery on me without anesthesia, and after some time I'm numb from pain. And it's unfair, from me to him, from him to me._

_Why her? Out of all the girls in this town, in the world, why her? Is it because she looks like me? Is it because she's nothing like me? Maybe it has nothing to do with me._

_I wonder, would I be asking myself all the same questions if he chose some other girl?_

_There was a hole in my stomach while Stefan was away. At first, it was just a slight pain of having someone in your life everyday and then simply not having them there. With time, it grew bigger. The distance he had put between us was painful, some days it drove me to tears when no one was looking. I needed him in my life, and I knew how selfish that is of me. I knew the price he would have to pay to just be here with me. I couldn't give him what he wanted._

_I still can't. I'm just not sure he wants it anymore, either._

_I'm with Damon now. I love him. I'm not repeating this mantra to convince myself in the truthfulness of my words, I'm repeating it because it's true. He makes me happy and I make him happy and right now nothing else matters. We fight a lot, a lot more than me and Stefan used to, sometimes over such ridiculous things, but I knew it will come down to that sooner or later. We're so different, me and Damon._

_Stefan and me were a completely different story. Not better, not worse, just different._

_Sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I don't. Maybe I'll never miss it again, and maybe, one day, I'll start missing it so much that it will destroy me._

_I had no one to talk to about this. I couldn't tell Damon that I'm missing my ex. I have a feeling Caroline is tired of the constant love drama in my life. Maybe she would huff, maybe she would gloat. So I kept my mouth shut._

_Then the dreams started. I still don't know why or what they mean. I only know that they became so intense and serious that I had to tell them._

_When Stefan came home, I was relieved. But he was nothing like Stefan I knew. He was just a shabby version of his old self. There was no more glint in his eyes, and he rarely smiled. He seemed so comfortable around Caroline, and I wished he could be as comfortable around me as he's around her._

_I missed him so much while he was gone._

_I started missing him more when he came back._

* * *

We're in Elena's old room. We're standing opposite of each other, still staring in each other's eyes, in the same position we were a minute ago. Just not at the same place. This is unmistakably her old room, I know it by memory. The door of her closet always opened a little, just enough for the darkness to seep out of it on the carpet. Stuffed animals and pillows on the window bench. Pictures on the mirror which is hanging above her dresser.

And we're on the bed.

Not the present _us_, but past _us_.

Both Elena and me look at the presence of our former selves, making out on her bed. Her hair is sprawled all around her, covering her sheets, I'm on top of her, my fingers in her hair, her fingers on my cheeks.

My throat tightens, and so do my insides. My lungs are full with water again.

We look back at each other.

"What - what's going on?" she stutters, looking around herself. She looks scared. This place haunts her. Her actions haunt her. Her decisions and choices. She doesn't look at us on the bed, her eyes are avoiding the past.

Meanwhile, mine are glued to it. I'm scared as well, for different reasons, but I don't let her see it.

I remember this, I remember this moment. It's from the early beginning of our relationship, not so long after we met, before she found out I was a vampire.

We're invading our own memory.

"I have no idea," I move towards the past us and sit on the bed next to them. I'm careful not to touch them, even though I'm pretty sure nothing would happen if I did.

"What are you doing?" she raises her voice full of paranoia, her eyes widening at the sight of me being so close to something unknown.

"Relax," I try to calm her down, using my steady voice, "They can't see us. But be careful not to touch anything," I warn.

She wraps her arms around herself, probably wishing she would disappear. "Why?" she frowns.

"Precaution," I shrug, "We have no idea what's going on here."

We watch our former selves for a while. Everything plays exactly like it is in my memory. I vamp out and stop the make out. Elena watches intently, because this piece of information is new to her. She had never seen me vamp out in this particular moment.

Being with her used to do that to me. When we got too close. When I felt like I'm losing control.

After a while, I learned how to control myself around her. She became my anchor.

"I remember this," her voice is warm as she watches herself sit on the window bench. She's about to ask me to go with her to the party at the Forwood mansion.

I remember it, too.

She looks so young. So innocent. So mine. She looks different now. Stronger, more willed, more experienced. More not mine.

_I remember everything._

Before either of us is able to say something else, it starts happening again. Earth starts moving, light blinds us. I have to close my eyes because it's too much, it burns the insides of my eyes. When I feel it's safe to open them, I hear Damon's voice yelling Elena's name.

We're back at the mansion. I open my eyes and catch her staring at me, her eyes wide and full of fear. Damon is gripping her by the shoulders and shaking her. I can feel Katherine's presence behind me.

We were probably out of it for few minutes.

Elena keeps staring at me, and I keep staring at her, still confused about what just happened.

"What the hell did just happen?" Damon directs that question to both of us, but neither of us can give him an answer, "One moment I hear you talking, and when I come in you're just standing here, staring at each other like zombies."

"For how long?" I ask.

Damon furrows his brows. He would rather have his question answered than answer mine.

"About an hour," Katherine is the one who responds to my question. She comes to stand beside me.

"But it was just few minutes," Elena says confused, her voice sharp, "Not more than five!"

"Where were you?" Katherine's voice is softer than Damon's, but still, I can't give her an answer. Where were we? Inside our minds? In the past? Was it real?

"Did you feel it too?" Elena asks Damon desperately, "The earthquake? Did you see the light?"

His eyebrows are still furrowed, and now he looks annoyed. Damon gets annoyed when he doesn't know what's going on.

Before anyone gets to say another word, the front door open with so much force. Katherine tenses next to him at the sound of the door crashing into hardwood wall behind them. We hear footsteps in the hallway, and our eyes turn in its direction.

Silas steps into the room. Katherine gasps. She has never seen Silas in his true form, so this takes her by surprise, even though she knew he looks like me.

He looks angry. Impatient.

There's a constant frown between his eyes, on the bridge of his nose.

"There you are," he directs that sentence to me.

Katherine starts walking backwards. The room reeks of fear.

Silas notices her movement, and fury consumes his face. Before anyone gets to react to him appearing all of a sudden, he's in front of Katherine. He doesn't touch her, he just stands too close to her, looking at her like he's going to snap her neck any second now.

She's shaking, but she can't avert her gaze from his face.

"So you're a pretty little thing they wasted my cure on," he comments, his voice full of spite.

His face is sharp, and I wonder does mine look the same. Or is it softer, friendlier, or am I a carbon copy of him?

I squeeze myself between him and Katherine, acting on my urge to protect her. "Leave her alone," I growl at him.

Katherine is standing behind me, her palms pressed against my back, her fingers crumbling my shirt. She's begging me for protection. She can't protect herself anymore, not from monsters as powerful as this one.

Silas' look softens. "You care for her," he says like it's news to him. I guess it is. It's news to me. It's news to everyone. "But," a mischievous smirk appears on his lips, "I thought you care about that one," he shifts his attention to Elena.

He stares at her a little bit longer than I would like him to, but I don't say anything. He looks back at me soon enough, anyway. "Maybe you don't really care about either of them," his smirk is still present. He moves away from me. Having him so close was uncomfortable. "Or maybe you care for both."

I'm not seeing the point to this little charade, unless he just wants to mess with us.

"Doesn't matter, though," he shrugs casually, "All that matters is which one you love."

I'm really not in the mood for the dissection of my love life. "When I figure it out, you're the first person I'll call," I say sarcastically. Because you would have to be a fool to not know which one I love.

Silas chuckles. "Oh, I'm counting on it," he says cryptically. This guy is not just evil, he's creepy. "Did you figure out my clues yet?" he walks over to where Damon and Elena are standing, his look piercing through Elena. She's following his look with hers. She looks hypnotized.

"No," I shake my head, extending my hands backwards to take Katherine's hands into mine for comfort.

"Oh, how unfortunate," his voice sounds as if he's truly sorry to hear that. He leans himself on the door frame of the living room. "If you don't figure them out soon, your friends will start dropping like flies."

I furrow my brows, bringing them closer together. "We had a deal. You said you will leave them alone," I say, aware I left out this part of our meeting from everyone else.

"I said I will leave them alone if you figure out the clues. Until you do, I can do whatever I want."

His glare is intense.

He's gone before any of us can blink. He's gone in a flash.

Little rude, don't you think, leaving without saying goodbye. Dude is 2000 years old, you would think he would learn some manners by now. Maybe starving all that time made him a little cranky.

Silence fills the room. So many questions. So many things to say. And yet, no one says anything.

Some times passes before anyone dares to speak.

"Katherine says there's a witch who can help us get our answers," I'm the first one to speak, "Get Jeremy to ask Bonnie does she know anything about her whereabouts."

I pull Katherine with me in the direction of my room, to help her to stop from shaking.

* * *

"Roadtrip!" Caroline yells enthusiastically while pushing a cooler full of blood bags in the trunk. She's probably the only one looking forward to this trip. Maybe she's just happy all of us are together again. "Shotgun!" is the next word that comes out of her mouth, and she flings herself towards the passenger seat.

"I'm driving," I rip the keys from Damon's fist and open the drivers door.

"Why you?" Damon whines, apparently unhappy with the seating chart.

"Because you drive like a grandma," I close the door, and Caroline bursts into laughter at my comment. Putting Damon down seems to cheer up her day every time. For her birthday I should give her a bunch of free passes for making fun of Damon. Because sometimes I scold her with my eyes. Sometimes.

With me and Caroline in the front, that puts Damon, Elena and Jeremy in the back. Jeremy is sitting between them. I wonder where Bonnie gets to sit. Maybe in his lap. I want her to be comfortable, if ghosts can be uncomfortable.

Elena seems deep into thought, her forehead is pressed against the car window, and it stays that way for the whole trip. She doesn't say a word.

Katherine wanted to stay home. I wasn't too happy about leaving her alone, especially with Silas roaming the town, but she insisted. I think she just didn't want to spend a whole day in the car with the rest of us. She's still shaken up so she will probably sleep for the whole day.

I asked Matt to keep an eye on her until we get back, though. He wasn't to happy about it, but Elena made him agree to it, which surprised me. I have no idea why she did it.

Everyone but Caroline stay quiet during the whole trip, and she mostly talks to me. She tells me about Tyler coming back home next week and her classes and that Annie sends her regards.

Damon talks to me once. "So you sold your soul to the devil to keep us safe," is all he says.

_No, Damon, I didn't sell my soul to you._

I don't answer him, though. Caroline doesn't know about that part, so I have to fill her in. One more thing I've been keeping from her. The list is getting bigger and bigger, alongside my guilt and shame.

When we pass the _Welcome to Atlanta! Enjoy your stay!_ sign, Jeremy speaks for the first time. Bonnie told us that this witch was last seen in Atlanta, and is most likely still there. She was even able to get us her address. Even dead she's still more useful than all of us combined.

"Bonnie says this witch is like a folktale among the witches. A caution story, or a horror one, something to scare the young witches with," Jeremy says, using Bonnie's words, "She was using some powerful magic at her time. She was draining youth from young witches. With youth came the power. She was afraid of growing old, and this was the most efficient way to stop the process. When her coven found out they stripped her off her magic and kicked her out of the coven. She doesn't practice anymore, she can't, and apparently, she repented, so she's helping others. That's the closest thing to magic she can get. She's old, like really old, but she looks like she's in her early thirties. If she keeps good care of herself, she might live for a very long time," he explains.

This chick seems crazy. I can't see how she can help us, but she's the only chance we've got.

I park the car in front of the address Bonnie gave us. The house doesn't look abandoned, which is a good sign. It's a small, one story house, with yellow facade, white door and windows with polka dot red curtains and a brown roof. It looks like some small, powerless old lady lives there.

Caroline and Jeremy agree to stay in the car, and Jeremy insists we have to stop for burgers on our way home. Apparently he's starving and the only thing we have to eat is blood.

Damon, Elena and me walk towards the house. I ring the bell, and we wait.

A small woman opens the door. She's short, with light auburn hair and piercing green eyes. She's extremely pale, like she hasn't been in the sun for years. She does look like she's in her late twenties or early thirties, but she looks nothing like a witch.

"Wanda Mitchell?" I ask for the name we were given.

She scoffs, in a way witches scoff at vampires.

"Yes," she confirms. Her eyes hover over us, surprised and amused. "Hmm," she hums silently.

I decide to ignore it.

I'm not sure should I be relieved or not for finding her. "We need your assistance."

She huffs, but pushes the door wide open. "Come in," she invites us in.

Once we get inside and I get a better look at her, the less I can believe she actually did anything remotely badass. She looks like a librarian.

But people have a tendency of surprising you.

She leads us to what seems to be the dining room, and we make ourselves comfortable around the table.

"How can I help you?" she asks, so obviously not delighted about helping us.

There's an amused look on her face, though. Her eyes keep flickering between me and Elena.

She changes a lot of expressions in a short time. First shock, then fear, then amusement. It's like she's thinking about something, something we're not allowed to get in on.

"Silas," I say, because I'm not sure where to start. I'm not sure should I ask about what happened to me and Elena, because we haven't told anyone about what exactly went down. We're not sure about what went down.

So maybe her knowledge about Silas can help us.

"Pay up," she says, tapping her hands against the wooden table.

"Excuse me?" I ask confused. Pay up?

"Do I look like Mother Theresa to you?" she frowns. She does look kinda scary, with leaves in her eyes and fire on her head. Now I can imagine her doing something badass. She's tiny, but poison is kept in small vials. "Information costs money. So pay."

I look at Damon, who's smirking at our exchange. He has a complicated relationship with the witches. He hates them for hating him, but he loves them because their hearts are full of fire.

He takes his wallet out of his jacket pocket and throws some money on the table. I'm not sure how much. Wanda counts it. She seems satisfied. The money goes right into her cleavage.

"Silas is - " she starts talking like a machine.

"You can skip that," Damon brushes her off, "We already know all about him, we want to know what he wants."

"Damon," I say his name carefully, as a warning, "Maybe you should shut up before she decides she doesn't want to tell us anything."

Wanda gasps satisfyingly. "Oh, Damon Salvatore, the protector of the Bennett line," her voice is full of amusement. This whole thing is amusing to her. "I should have recognized you."

The protector of the Bennett line. He should have done a better job with protecting Bonnie.

"Your brother is right, though," how does she know I'm his brother? People are so creepy nowadays. "No one interrupts me. You should keep quiet like him and his little girlfriend over here."

All of us tense up at the same time, looking in different directions, not able to look at each other.

Wanda rolls her eyes, but this is clearly a highlight of her day. "Please don't tell me I walked into a Dawson's Creek episode."

I glare at her intensely, begging her to stop. She doesn't want to stop. Her price goes higher than money. She spends her days in here, all day, judging by her tan. This is a front row show, and she's not planning to miss it.

She leans over the table, closer to me. "Is she not your girlfriend?" she asks, even though the answer to that question is pretty much obvious by now, "But you radiate with love.."

_You radiate with love for her._

I didn't come here to be made fun of, I came here to kick my evil doppelganger out of my life. "Love can often be mistaken for hate," I say bitterly, "Now, Silas."

There's a smirk on her face as she leans back into her chair.

"You know, there are no pictures of Silas, him being 2000 years old, but there are very vivid descriptions," she hums, amused yet again, " Hair that shines like thousand suns, face strict and soft, cold and warm at the same time, two big, green marbles for eyes," she recites one of the descriptions she has probably read about him in one of the books. "If I didn't know any better, I would say you're his doppelganger," she grins at me, fire on her head flowing all over her face. Auburn curls colliding with her chin when the lines of her face make a movement.

She shifts her attention to Elena. "And you, you're a descendant from the Petrova line."

I'm not sure if any of this is relevant to what she's about to tell us.

"Unfortunately, there aren't many things written about Silas, since he's been hibernating for 2000 years. All we know is that he wanted to make an immortality spell, but things went wrong, which you might already know."

"I have a question," is the first thing Elena says today. Wanda looks at her, faking anticipation. "The witch, Qetsiyah, made a purgatory for supernatural creatures, where she herself went, hoping Silas would take the cure and join her there. He chose to dessicate instead, though, hoping someone will wake him up. But, if he took the cure, wouldn't he be reunited with his love in the purgatory?"

"Ah," Wanda exhales, "Good question, but no. Amara, also known as Silas' one true love, was a human when she died. He wants to bring her back. He can't, though."

"He can't?" I ask. What about the clues?

"No," Wanda shakes her head, "A coven of witches from their time had put a barrier between him and Amara. He can never find her, unless he travels in the past and erases the point when the barrier was created, which is impossible."

"Why?" Damon frowns. The guy simply wanted to be with his love, it's not like he did anything bad.

But..

"He messed with one of them, with one of the witches," I add, "They stick together, that was their revenge."

Elena looks confused. "But I thought Qetsiyah just thought the spell is for the two of them."

"Some sources say that," Wanda shrugs, "Some say that Silas tricked her into believing he loves her as well so she would help him. Minor details," the smirk makes another appearance on her face.

"Well, Silas thinks he did find a way. He came to me with clues.."

This perks up her interest. "Let me hear them."

Now we're getting somewhere.

So I tell her the clues, both complete and incomplete ones. She listens with curiosity, even writes them down.

"I have to consult my books," I don't see any books. She probably keeps them someplace safe. "You should come back later."

"Later as in few hours or a week?" Damon asks.

Wanda ponders on it. "Make that two weeks."

We all stand up to leave. Damon and Elena take off first, me right behind them, when Wanda's fingers grip around my wrist. I whip myself around, looking at her.

When she makes sure Damon and Elena made it out, she tells me, "You can't just decide to stop loving somebody."

"I can try," I say before taking my arm back and walking out of the house.

* * *

_**AN: To answer one of the guest reviews, this isn't an anti - Elena story, nor do I dislike Elena, actually, I love her. I personally wouldn't be able to ship a couple with hating one of the characters in it. But this isn't about Elena, or how I feel about her, this is about Stefan. And he loves this girl so much that he wants to hate her in order for that love not to destroy him. As Caroline said in my story, he's a ticking time bomb, and right now he's in the phase of that uncomfortable silence while the bomb is ticking and everyone are quiet, thinking about how to stop it. One day, he will explode, because some bombs don't have a right wire to cut. Right now Elena is his sore spot, Katherine his escape route, and Caroline his comfort. He's mad at all of them for not noticing he's gone, but mostly at Elena, because sometimes heart makes irrational decisions a brain cannot understand. Elena used to be my favorite female character in this show, until season 4 came along. Until the writers turned his strong, beautiful, resourceful girl, who was on her way of becoming a hero, into a man's personal slave. Then she went along and she him, after him taking her humanity and saying she's acting like a bitch now, like her behavior isn't a consequence of his choices. She disregarded Stefan for all the things a sane person would want to be with someone. She thanked him for being there for her, for helping her, for never giving up on her, for comforting her. She chose Damon, telling him what an awful person he is but that she still loves him and that he's her wrong choice, the biggest one of all the wrong choices she made. As much as that terrible written speech softened the blow, it made me yell what the fuck is she talking about!? I don't hate Elena for being 18 and making mistakes. I love her for that. I hate how writers seem to think that 18 year old girls are actual idiots. I was 18 not so long ago, and I don't remember ever thinking hmmmm, this is such a wrong thing to do, something I will regret, so let's go with it. Wrong choices are usually made accidentally, here to teach us something. As far as her season 4 choice goes, I really wanted her to choose herself, after all the shit she's been through this season. Everyone kept talking about new Elena and old Elena, but there's just Elena. A character writers messed up. We have never seen Elena as a vampire when she isn't a miserable mess, sired, or with no humanity, so we can't go around saying WOW Elena is so different, because we have no idea who Elena is, if she isn't the girl she wasn't before. I wanted her to choose herself not because she doesn't love either of these men, but because she wants to learn how to love herself again. Unfortunately, I don't think Elena will ever be allowed to love herself again in this show.**_

_**So no, I don't hate Elena, I feel sorry for her. I hope this clears it up :)**_


	11. Chapter 11

No one says anything during our drive back home. We fill Caroline and Jeremy in while waiting for his burger. He eats it in the car. Damon doesn't look too happy about it, his eyes are glued to the greasy bag and filthy napkins and there are multiple stains on his mind. Possibilities he will have to clean afterwards. Jeremy doesn't seem to notice, and if he does, he just doesn't care.

Caroline had few questions, once none of us had answers to, so she stopped asking them. She's probably trying to come up with answers of her own. Or maybe she's thinking about Tyler or literally anything else. With Caroline, you never know. We could find ourselves in the middle of apocalypse and she would be thinking about what she's going to wear at the post apocalypse party and are any of the stores going to survive so she can go shopping. If you don't know Caroline Forbes, but learn this fact about her, you might think she's shallow, but the truth is, this is what makes her wonderful. The way she slides through life. See, it really doesn't matter if she's thinking about clothes or make up or coffee during the apocalypse, because she's thinking about what comes afterwards. She believes this, whatever is happening at the moment, will end, and make place for better things to come, like parties and shopping and lazy Sundays with _cups and cups and cups_ of coffee. She's an eternal optimist.

I check on Elena few times in the rear view mirror. She's looking through the window, her eyes empty, her look blank. I want to crawl into her mind just to see is she thinking in secret, without letting anyone know. I don't even want to know what she's thinking about, I just want to know if she's present or not.

I wonder where Bonnie is. Is she here, with us? Or is she using some other traveling device to get home? Can she just appear wherever she would like, in matter of seconds? Maybe she's in Hawaii now, sunbathing and drinking cocktails. All she needs to do is blink and she will be back in Mystic Falls. Or maybe she's sitting in Jeremy's lap or the hood of the car, because she's always there with us. _For us._

When we get home, the first thing I do is check on Katherine. It's 2 A.M and Matt is sleeping on the couch. Elena wakes him up and tells him he can go home, which he gladly does. I don't think he feels comfortable here, or that he ever will.

Katherine is asleep as well, but I don't wake her up. I tell myself it's because she looks so comfortable, but the truth is, there's nothing to talk about with her. I could tell her what we found out, which isn't much, but other than that, I have nothing to say to her.

I can't give her what she wants, or what she needs, especially if those two are the same thing.

She said she will wait, and if she were still a vampire, then maybe I would let her. I know I have to let Elena go, but that's easier said than done. You don't just wake up one day and stop loving someone, no matter how much they had hurt you. Love usually is pain in the ass anyway, but when someone loves you back, it's worth it. You're in it together. This way, it's just pain on top of a much larger pain. It's not like I'm letting anyone know that I still love her, I'm not acting like I am, nor am I pursuing her, but I can't hide from my own thoughts and feelings. I know what I know and I feel what I feel, and there's no point in denying it.

But, I don't want to be with her, even if she suddenly changed her mind. I don't want her to be mine anymore, because now I know how badly it hurts when she leaves. It's like someone cutting you open and filling your body with water and rocks and every time you move you feel something poking at your insides and you feel like you can't move no more, because if you do, you're going to explode and there will be nothing left of you. The truth is, I'm afraid of having her again.

Maybe, in a century or two, if she comes to me and tells me she wants to give it another shot, I would agree to it. Maybe then, maybe out of love or respect for what we had or sheer curiosity can we make it work for the second time.

The thing is, I don't think she will, not now, not in a year and not in a century from now, so I have to let her go. That doesn't mean I will stop loving her, I don't think that will ever happen. But I have to stop allowing her ripping me open from the inside every time I lay my eyes on her.

I have to learn how to be in the same room with her without the weight of nostalgia pressing at my chest. I have to learn how to stop thinking about kissing her because I don't really want to kiss her for the sake of kissing her, but because I feel like I deserve a proper goodbye. Because I can't remember the last time I kissed her, and I want to remember that because maybe then, the door will fall closed.

You never do know, though, which time will be your last.

So I have to let her go, for my sake.

And Katherine can't wait for me to let her go. She doesn't have time to wait, not anymore. Maybe, if she did have a forever, I would knock on her door few years from now and tell her that we can try to make this happen, just maybe, because the ghost of our former relationship is still haunting me. I do believe I loved her, and I do believe that she loved me, I just don't believe we were right for each other or that we ever will be. There's too much history and some history is not supposed to be put on repeat. Most importantly, she was running for such a long time, from her enemies, from herself. It's time to stop. It's time for her to have a real life. And who knows, maybe in this lifetime, she finds someone she will love so much that nothing will scare her enough to run away from him.

But that person is not me.

Sometimes I wish I could go way back, to 1864, to the boy I was back then. I wish I could ask Katherine not to run. I wish she wasn't a vampire and that she loved me still and that we built a life together. I never used to wish this before, because if it were to happen, I would have never met Elena, and that's simply not a chance I ever wanted to take. Now, I would have no problems with traveling back to the past and leaving everything behind. Having my memory wiped clean.

At the same time I wonder, would I feel the pit in the back of my stomach, indication that something is missing?

I do not know, nor I ever will. But I do know that I have to let both Elena and Katherine go, in different ways and for different reasons.

I'm a mess, a bigger mess than I care to admit to myself and to the people around me, and I don't want to infect others with my mess. I may be drowning in it, but I'll be drowning in it alone.

In a way, I never left that box. Part of me is still in there, under the lake, drowning. I left a piece of me there, and I wonder where did I leave some other pieces I can't even remember were a part of me.

When I come downstairs I catch Caroline slumped on the couch Matt was sleeping on when we came home. I walk over and take a seat next to her and we sit there in silence for quite some time. Silence that fills the room is not uncomfortable at all, it's natural. We're not not talking, we're just whispering and not even the walls can hear us because our words are so light that air can't lift them.

"Some crazy shit, eh?" she says, bumping her knee into mine.

"A bucket full of shit."

"We're so deep in shit, it reaches our necks."

"And there's no shovel to get us out."

We both laugh at the horrific situation we're in, in the situation we were in million of times before and we laugh because the only other choice are tears out of fear this is the time we're not getting out of it so easily. Our laughter becomes hysterical.

I only laugh when I'm with Caroline because she's the only one who can make me laugh from the top of my lungs, until every inch of the skin on my face is so stretched out that it hurts. If you don't feel like this every time you laugh, what's the point in doing it?

We laugh until we end up with open lips but no sound coming out of our throats.

"So," she puts the laughter in a plastic bag and stomps on it. The sound it makes is terrible, it almost makes my ears bleed, "What are we going to do now?"

I try not to look her in the eyes. "I have no idea, but we can't tell him that there's no way for him to find a way to the woman he loves. That's literally the only thing he wants to do."

"We should run."

"Run where?"

She ponders on it for a moment or two, her lips wiggling.

"New York!" she finally exclaims.

"Now York?"

"Sure," she nods enthusiastically, like we're going to pack our bags, sit in a car and drive as soon as she finishes this sentence, "We can star on Broadway. I can sing, you can dance.."

I cock my eyebrow at her questioningly.

"Or awkwardly slump behind me with a handsome brood."

That sounds more like it.

"We don't age, we would be a real attraction."

"Maybe we should join the circus then."

"Or bake cupcakes."

"Cupcakes?" after all this time she can surprise me like no one else.

"Cupcakes make everything better," she sighs. _Cupcakes used to make everything better._ I have no idea how they taste like, I come from before their time. I have a feeling Caroline is forgetting as well.

"I tell you what," I put my hand on her knee, shaking her lightly, "If we get out of this alive, we're baking cupcakes."

She's serious for a moment, and then a mischievous grin appears on her face. "I'm so getting you an apron."

* * *

Caroline falls asleep as soon as I leave the room to check on Katherine again. When I come back downstairs she's sleeping on the couch, her knees pressed into her chest. She looks uncomfortable, so I take her in my arms, and this time she doesn't put a fight like she did the last time, and I take her to one of the guest rooms.

I leave the house and sit on the short wall in front of the house, waiting for sunrise.

Sky is black, and when you're not paying attention it turns dark blue. Like someone poured water on it to make the color lighter.

The same water washes away our dreams about running away. We can't run away, we're not allowed to, we're our own prisoners.

The sky becomes purple and it swallows all the stars. I wonder where they go during the day.

I wish running away is possible, from everything. Maybe to some other world, where we're not people we are or the people we pretend to be. Maybe somewhere there are different versions of us who are living much different, better, easier lives.

However those people are, they're not us, because this, all this mess, is what makes us _us_.

I love this part, when dark sky becomes a masterpiece. There are so many colors on it now, yellow, orange, red, white, lilac. All of them are mashing together into a big, shiny ball which will soon turn out to be the sun.

Door open and close behind my back.

I can feel her. That's the worst part, how she lives inside of me and I can't get her out. Maybe I could try to cut her out, but she's too spread, like a disease. She's a non existent beat of my heart and a tree whose branches are wrapping around my lungs and she's a tiny person trying to rip my skin open from the inside. She's a melody I hear every waking moment.

I think that's the worst part, the fact she never leaves me, even when I try to wash her down with blood and water and poisonous words. She clings onto me and I scream _why why why_ when it was her choice to leave.

They are wrong. Blood is not my weakness.

Elena Gilbert is.

I am addicted to her.

Her skin smells like vanilla and almond and it's the softest thing you will ever feel.

Have you ever been in love?

Her hair smells like strawberry and sometimes it's softer than her skin.

Have you ever fell out of love, but no completely? It's like hanging off a cliff, clinging onto the ground with your toes.

Her kisses taste like happiness and there's love sipping from her fingertips and she's more human that anyone you will ever meet even when she's not human.

I wanted to be great for her, but instead I wasn't enough.

If you were ever in love then you know memories are like oxygen, and you would never give them up. You might talk big, but memories are what keep you alive.

"Hey," she sits on the wall next to me.

Earth opens and swallows me whole. I wish. Nothing is ever that easy in life.

So I choke the word out, "Hey."

This woman used to be the only person I could tell everything that's on my mind to. When did things become so awkward between us? When did we become strangers?

I want to fold myself in the sheets of her life and find all that hiding places on her body where she can carry me like I carry her. Maybe it will be easier if we carry each other.

I wonder does she carry me at all anymore.

"Katherine asleep?"

I look at her. She's staring at the sky. She loves sunrise as well.

She understands sunrise. Not many people do. She knows what it means when the sky swallows the moon and the stars and spits them out on the other side of the world, doing the same with our sun. She understands how things begin and end.

That's why we used to watch the sunrise together, because we both understood it, but never talked about it.

"Yeah," I answer as shortly as possible.

This is the first time she said anything to me since the whole Katherine incident, unless we count that weird time jump we did in our heads. Which I don't. Because it wasn't real. It was our minds playing with us.

"Damon?" I ask out of politeness. I can't believe we're actually talking about it.

She just nods, her look still glued to the upcoming sunrise.

Silence between Elena and me used to be as comfortable as the one between Caroline and me. Now it's just awkward and hard and it weighs more than the whole universe.

"Are you happy?" I ask. I don't remember planning to ask this question, but I do. Words simply slip out of my mouth. Maybe because I'm curious. Maybe because I want her to say yes and no at the same time.

If she's happy without me then maybe I can be happy without her.

It takes her a long time to answer, and when she does, she doesn't even look at me. Or maybe she's looking at me in all the ways I can't see. "Yes," there's a smile on her face. Not a forced one to prove her point, but a genuine, soft smile she paints on her face whenever she feels at ease. "I am happy," her lower lip quivers because the truth scares her, because she's afraid the truth will hurt me even though I'm the one who asked the question. I demand the truth. "But sometimes, I'm completely and utterly unhappy," and now, she locks her look on mine, and I can tell she's telling the truth. She's not crying, her eyes are not even glossy with tears or pain, they're empty of any emotion. "Sometimes I go back to being that girl who lost her parents and had no one to talk to because no one understood. Why do you think that is?"

I keep looking at her, and I see it too. That girl I met a couple of years back. "Because that girl is a part of you."

With time, you scatter yourself in places you go through and in people you know. People who die and people who never will. You leave a part of yourself with them, because as time goes, it becomes hard to carry so many things all by yourself, so you give them to other people, because that's who you are at the moment, and because that's who they love. And when you meet them again in a couple of years, and you are a completely different person, but they will still see you the same as you were back then, because that part of you lives in them. You planted it there, it was just a small seed, but they watered it with tears and memories and sadness and you grew into a tree with wide branches and bright leaves. Maybe I will always see Elena as the girl she was when I met her, even though she's someone else now. She gave that girl to me, she gave me the stories and tears and everything she felt at the moment.

I guess that's how you stay alive, growing in other people.

But you see, you can give yourself to someone else, but a part of who you were will always stay with you. You give someone a candy, but the wrapper stays with you, rustling in the wind.

"Once upon a time you were that girl. You still are that girl, you just left all the sadness and emptiness behind. You're a shell, and now you're filled with new things, like happiness and nostalgia," I take a deep breath, I pretend that air is my friend and not a cautious person who walks on the other side of the street when they see me walking down the road, "Whenever I look at you, I see that girl. I see all the sadness you carried in you, and all the stories you never told to anyone but me. And then I blink and that sadness disappears because that's how I see you as well, because that's who you are. I see you smiling. We change Elena, everyday, but we never lose ourselves, because people in our lives never forget who we were, so we don't either. You will never see me as a human boy, playing catch with Damon, but Katherine will because that's the person she met. And I won't ever see you as a small girl riding her bike down the street, like Caroline does, because I never met that girl."

She stays silent. We're looking at each other.

Sometimes you love people, but you still let them go, because you've been tied together for such a long time and both of you are dying to fly separately, or with someone else.

I will never stop loving Elena Gilbert, because she left that girl who loved me in me. And maybe, by some chance, she won't ever stop loving me because I left that boy in her. And maybe she already stopped loving me because I never left that boy, I still am him.

However it is, she had let me go, and the reason to why she did so really doesn't matter anymore because what's done is done.

It's time for me to do the same.

"We fight a lot, Damon and me," she tells me, "We rarely see an eye to eye when it comes to most things. He keeps things from me and I keep things from him. Our relationship, it's not something I ever thought I will find myself in."

I don't know why she's telling me this but a masochistic part of me is glad that she is. _Ask for more, ask for more_, that part is saying.

Their relationship is a polar opposite of what we had, and I wonder does she like it more, because it's full of these things that present a challenge. Our challenges were so hard and exhausting, these are every day ones, and I don't know if that makes a relationship harder or easier.

"Do you ever regret it?" _Stupid, stupid, stupid._

She looks at me with surprise, but then her look softens, as if she can see why would I ask such a question. "No," she exhales loudly, "It was my choice. It still is my choice. Despite everything, I love him," she tries to take those words back in, I can see panic in her eyes. "I'm sorry, it's unfair from me to be telling you this.."

"No," I shake my head, "I'm the one who asked." I'm the one who wanted to know.

I know she loves him, hearing her say it doesn't change anything. I've heard her say it before, and that's when it became real. She can say it million times more and it won't change anything, because I can hear it, it's a hum in my mind, since the first time I've heard it.

She can keep saying it, she doesn't have to say it ever again, it hurts all the same.

"Our relationship was so hard. We had life threatening problems on top of normal problems which every relationship brings, but neither of us complained, because it was worth it. And then," she shrugs, like there's no better explanation, and I know there isn't but it all sounds so simple when it shouldn't, "Life happened. We went through something difficult, and we never got time to adjust to it. New things came when we were at our weakest and they knocked us down. We fell apart. We always did, but somehow, we fell closer to each other. This time.." her voice is hoarse and hard, and for the first time I realize this isn't easy for her either.

She loved me. It hits me, it hits me for the first time. She loved me and she lost me and just because she found someone else doesn't mean I don't still live inside of her, not as someone who loved her, but as someone who she loved.

"You rolled away from me," I finish her sentence for her. Someone helped her get up on her feet while I was still lying on the ground and we just broke apart.

"I made a choice I believed is right, I still do, because I'm happy. And maybe one day I won't be this happy, but I won't ever regret it, because I won't have to ask myself what if. What if I never tried, what if I never allowed myself to go for it."

In a way, I understand that. Doesn't mean I'm happy or okay with it, but I respect her decision and her choice and I respect her.

Because she's right, as simple as it sounds. Life happens. Wind started blowing too hard when both of us were asleep and it blew her away from me. It blew her away to someone else and I really can't blame her for it. I can't blame her for falling in love with someone else because these things are out of our control.

And if I really want to move on, I have to accept this.

I have to stop being angry at her for leaving, and I have to stop blaming her for hurting me, because on a subconscious level, I always knew she has feelings for him. I just chose to ignore it, or to believe her when she promised me always.

"We really do need to figure out all of this crazy shit that's been happening lately," I say because there's nothing else to talk about.

She laughs because she understands. "Yeah, we do."

Silence overpowers us once again, but this time it's not awkward, even though it's still not pleasant either, but I don't have any more questions to ask and she doesn't have any more answers to the questions she knows I want to ask.

"Friends?" she asks.

I shift my attention from the sunrise to her, and smile. "Friends."

If I'm going to try to convince myself I'm over her, then at least I could do is start acting like it.

She's gone. The wind blew her away in places I can't reach.

So when the wind stops blowing, I know I can't go and search for her, even though I would turn upside down every corner of this planet looking for her.

So I just lay on my back, and rest.

And I let her go.

* * *

**_ELENA'S POV_**

_I am selfish._

_I am selfish because I love Damon and I love Stefan for all the different reasons. I'm selfish because I'm with Damon, but I miss how things used to be when I was with Stefan. I miss all the things Damon can't make me feel but Stefan could, and if I were with Stefan I would miss all the things Damon was able to provide me with, that simply weren't in Stefan's nature._

_Stefan made me feel safe, he made me feel like I'm at home no matter where we were. But it was never in his nature to just grab me and kiss me like Damon does. He was always so gentle._

_Sometimes I miss that gentleness. I miss being asked for license to penetrate my heart._

_I am selfish because I don't want Stefan to let me go, and I can't cling on to him like I used to._

_I'm not sure when things changed. I'm not even sure they did change. Maybe everyone have to go through this. Through this carefree period of their life. When I was with Stefan I couldn't stop thinking about the future, I couldn't stop worrying about the future and how to make him a part of my life even when I grow old and find a job and want to start a family. I wanted him to be a part of my future so badly that I kept rushing into it, towards the things that are yet to come, just to prove to myself that this will work. That one day he won't be a vampire, but a boy I fell in love with, and that together we will make a choice on how to spend the rest of our lives. Then I became a vampire and things seemed so easy. We can be together forever now._

_When did I decide that I don't want a forever with him? I don't remember making this decision. I don't remember throwing our future away._

_I just know that one moment I loved him and then the other I stopped. Damon replaced him in my heart so quickly, it seemed like a second._

_I still wonder, if it never were for the sire bond, would Stefan and me still be together? Standing side by side, stronger than ever? Or would things still play out like this? Would I be with Damon, breaking Stefan's heart each day a little bit more?_

_I just know that one day it was like I suddenly woke up and I remembered to love Stefan again, but I just couldn't un-love Damon. So I continued loving both, feeling guilty for wanting to be with one more than the other._

_But it's different with Damon. With him, I don't think about the future, because right now, future doesn't exist. It's infinite, it's an unknown term._

_I am selfish because I'm not ready to let Stefan go. _

* * *

**_CAROLINE'S POV_**

_I overhear Stefan and Elena's conversation. I woke up in a strange bed. Stefan probably took me to one of the guest rooms. The urge for a cup of coffee is too big. I attack the Salvatore kitchen, but no luck. Apparently no one in this house has appreciation for little brown magic beans._

_It's not like I was eavesdropping. It's impossible to control this heightened vampire hearing and Caroline natural curiosity._

_Stefan's love for Elena is not even in question here. Does he think I can't notice what he's trying to do? How hard he's trying to forget her? He's a freaking mess, deep down. He's still in that box in the bottom of a lake, trying to keep himself from dying. He's just ignoring that by burying all these feelings deep down inside of himself, as if he pushes them in his heels, they won't exist anymore._

_Tick-tock goes the clock. Or an Stefan emotional fused bomb._

_And when he explodes it will be nothing like when you hit a pinata. No candies or rainbows. There will be blood and pieces of glass cutting through our skin._

_But that's not the point, at least not right now, at least not in this situation or in the words that leave both of their mouths. Elena's love for Stefan is what's in question here._

_When I say Damon and Elena aren't going to work out, it's not because I think Damon is a vermin who feeds on other peoples misery, but because those two are simply too different to work out. People say opposites attract, and that may be, but Damon and Elena are basically a different species of people. And when they leave the honeymoon phase of their relationship and enter the real world, face problems Stefan and Elena had to face, they will see for themselves how nonfunctional they actually are. You can love someone all you want, for whatever unknown reasons, but sometimes two people just don't have that something to make it work._

_Elena can't let Stefan go. And not because she's a selfish, sex hungry piranha who wants to take two rides at the same time. At this moment, Elena is a middle aged man who gets a shiny, new BMW. You know how guys with middle age crisis love those shiny things, right? They're badass and they make them feel young. And let me tell you something, those men really do love those cars, they love everything about them, even their faults._

_But one day, doesn't matter after how much time, they see how unfit that car is for them. They see they're not 20 year old anymore, trying to impress ladies. They see the cars faults as they are - as faults. They see how much gas it spends and how his whole family's luggage can't fit in the trunk when they go on a vacation._

_Stefan grew into Elena's skin. He's a blood cell in her veins, circling through her body. He's her home even when they're miles away from each other. He loves her in such a gracious way._

_And these weird ass voodoo dreams she's been having of him drowning, their inexplicable time leaps just prove that there's something bigger connecting them. The universe wants them together, it's screaming at them to love each other until the world falls apart, but right now both of them are too distracted to hear it._

_Damon had to crawl his way into Elena's heart. Somehow, he did it. It's an inexplicable phenomenon._

_But Stefan, he was always there. He started growing in her heart from the moment she took her first breath. And she's holding onto him. She's still holding onto him._

_And Damon's either too stupid or too blind to notice it, if not both. Or maybe he just doesn't want to notice it, or maybe he's ignoring it. But if I can notice it, he must be able to notice it as well. _

_Because Damon is holding onto Elena as well. He has his fingers gripped around her so tightly, out of fear that she will fly away. And Elena is holding onto Stefan, maybe even unconsciously._

_ She's staring at his name in her phone, thinking about calling him, wanting to call him, fearing of calling him. She looks at the picture of two of them, one she kept because she had no heart to delete like the rest of them, and she looks at it a moment too longer than she's supposed to. She looks at him like that in person as well, when she thinks no one can notice. He does the same._

_There's an invisible cord between them, tying them together, and whenever one goes too far away from another, the cord starts pulling at the others heart, where the knot is. It's painful. It's shattering their whole being. It screams for them to come back._

_You could break every bone in Elena's body. You could melt her skin. You could shatter her with a hammer. She would glue her bones back together and she would knit her skin back into place and she would pick up the shattered pieces of her body and she would drag herself over to Stefan._

_And she would hold onto him with the little strength she has, broken and destroyed, she would hold onto him._


	12. Chapter 12

Next time I enter my room, Katherine is wide awake. She's sitting on the edge of the bed, her legs crossed under her body, staring at me. Before I appeared, she was staring at the closed door.

I think she was in some kind of a trans, or maybe she was daydreaming, because when my look fell on hers for the first time, her eyes were blank. Like she wasn't even there.

"You're back!" she perks up when she notices me standing there. She leaps onto her feet and hops over to me. Even though she's moving fast, I see her movement in slow motion. She's bouncing happily, but also seductively. Her long, lean legs are not even bumping into each other. If I could click pause at the exact same time she jumps, it would look like she's flying.

Her arms go around my neck and her lips crash into mine. She doesn't weigh much, usually she's as light as a feather, but right now, her lips are crushing mine. They weigh a ton, they're so undeniably uncomfortable.

I kiss her back, but barely. My arms never go around her.

She pulls away from me in panic. Her eyes go wide before she squints in my direction, like she's trying to hold something in. Like there's something she doesn't want me to see.

"Is there something wrong?" is all she asks, her tone of voice radiating with worry.

I've come to realize that Katherine Pierce has few different levels of vulnerability. This one, the one she's showing now, is one I've never seen before. It's worry mixed with fear mixed with a wild, animal urge to tear something apart. Every one of those emotions are familiar to me, but all of them combined together carry certain weight, one I wish was not put onto me.

"We have to talk," is probably the worst possible thing I could have said, but I said it anyway and she stumbles backwards. Her legs hit the edge of the bed and she sits down, lowering her look from mine.

"Elena," she whispers, she whispers so silently I almost miss it.

But her name is buzzing in every corner of my being anyway, so the chances of me missing it are very low.

Even if she had hurt me for hundred times just to make her point that she can, I would prove to her that I love her for hundred and one time.

"Elena?" I ask, masking my face with confusion, because I'm not sure I know what she's referring to.

She raises her look to me, its edges sharp, telling me to cut the bullshit. "Is this about her?" she asks, almost bitterly. Bitter at me, at herself, at Elena, at the world.

"No," I shake my head with a resolved expression on my face, "This is about us."

Her look is still on mine, pressing me hard. "Isn't that basically the same thing? Aren't the two connected?" there's a fire flaring in her big, beautiful eyes.

There's a crease between my brows now. "No," I walk towards her, uneasiness washing over me.

She wants to stop my movement with her look, by filling her eyes with rage, but I don't quiver in her presence. "So you don't want to be with me because of me?" she says openly. I haven't said a word, and somehow she knows exactly what I was about to say.

I crouch before her. The last time I was in this position I was silently agreeing to starting something. Now I'm about to end it. I know better than to make any physical contact with her, even if it's to provide comfort. I sigh before opening my mouth to speak, "You're human, Katherine."

Of course, she takes this the wrong way, spitting her words out at me. "You loved Elena when she was human," she protests.

I would love Elena in every form she possesses.

I exhale loudly, hopefully making her realize that that's not what I meant. "It's not about you being human. You've been running for a long time, too long. It's time for you to live a life you deserve. You can have it all, doesn't matter if that's a career or a family or something entirely different. You can finally be someone, have a life of your own."

I've been talking for quite some time, struggling with words, making small stops between them, that I failed to notice that she started crying. "But I want you in my life!" she sobs.

Oh, Katherine Pierce, in all of her glory.

Maybe this is who Katherine is, a wrecking mess under that hard exterior. She's a survivor, no doubt, but she kept playing one for so long that she forgot to be human. And now, she's nothing else but wonderfully human, as human as you get them.

One tear rolls down her cheek, and the other one follows.

"I know," I nod, because Katherine grew on me. I like this side of her. I love the truth about who he is, about who she wants to be. "But you're human, and you're going to age, and you will get attracted to so many things life has to offer you. The world is yours now, Katherine, take it. I can't. I never will be able to take it, because I'm stuck like this, forever. So this, us, it doesn't lead anywhere. You will fall in love with me and I will fall in love with you and in the end, we will end up saying goodbye. Don't make me say goodbye to you that way," I secretly beg her.

Because I really do feel like I could fall in love with Katherine. At least with this version of her. Maybe, somehow, she would be enough for me to forget the past, forget everything that went down between us. Maybe, with time, I could learn how to trust her again.

The thing is, we will never know.

Because life does that to you, it takes away one person you thought you will be with forever, and then doesn't even give you a chance to find another.

Or maybe that's just me. Maybe that's just karma.

I have no idea. I just know that I let Elena go, the only way I can let her go. I'm fine with who she's with now, as fine as I can be with the fact that person is my brother. I let Elena go because I'm selfish. Because I don't want this pain anymore.

I'm letting Katherine go because there's still that selfless part of me, somewhere in my core. I'm letting her go because she's the one who doesn't deserve this pain.

Funny, I never thought I'll be saying that, that Katherine doesn't deserve whatever's coming for her. But she doesn't, because she got a fresh start. What matters now is what she does with it.

She looks at me like she understands. I think she does. I think she knows this is what she's been fighting for, for what she's been running all these years. Life. Freedom. Ability to do whatever she wants, not what's required from her.

She sniffs loudly.

"Will you still be here for me? At least for a while? Please.." she sounds desperate, "I don't know how to do this and I really need someone to help me."

For a moment there I'm stunned, but her request is reasonable. Plus, I don't think I would ever let her leave before she's ready. Selfish part of me doesn't want to let her leave, ever, because she reminds me of that boy I was.

Maybe that's is, maybe that's why she's here and maybe that's why, in a way, I love her. Because she holds that piece of me.

"Of course," I nod, pulling her into a hug. Her face falls on my shoulder and she sniffs into my shirt.

When she goes away, I hope she gives me that piece back.

* * *

I'm sitting on a sofa, drinking my I-forgot-to-count which number of glass of brandy, when I feel it pulling me in. Some unknown force that's stronger than anything I've ever experienced before, except that one time when it first happened. I know there's no use fighting it, there's no possible way to escape what's about to happen.

The earth moves, I can feel the floor shattering under my feet, and for a moment I think the ground is going to open and swallow me whole. Just because I know what's coming next doesn't mean I'm not scared. Who knows which memory my mind will decide to torture me with this time.

I close my eyes so bright, white light doesn't blind me, but when it comes I can see it even behind my closed eyelids.

When it stops, when the light goes away, and when the earth stops moving, I open my eyes.

I'm outside now, standing few feet away from the Mystic Falls square where the small park is located. It's dark outside.

There's us, standing in the middle of the park, my arms around her body, her face pressed against my chest. It looks like I'm trying to push her deep inside of me through my chest, that's how hard I'm holding onto her.

I remember this night. It was the night Elena met with Isobel, her biological mother, here.

She was so shaken afterwards, it took her a while to calm down, which means we'll be standing here for quite some time. I can see Damon standing few feet away from us, watching us intently. Not us, her. He wants to be the one to hold her, I can see it in his eyes. He wants to console her, make her feel better.

She went to check on Jenna and Jeremy, but refused to go home, because she didn't want to sleep alone. So I took her back to the mansion where we.. _oh_. Oh, I remember that part as well, I remember it very well. I hope I won't have to relive it. It would be too awkward.

And too painful.

"Stefan?" I hear her confused voice coming from behind me.

I whip myself around and notice her standing there, looking less afraid than she was the last time this happened to us.

She's here, again, which means this is connected to both of us, not just me.

Worry flickers in me. "Where were you?" I ask, and her eyes go wide in surprise. Does my voice sound so desperate, like I'm indicating that I've been waiting for her? That I feared she won't come? "When this happened," I clear up my question, and she relaxes undoubtedly.

"In class," she puckers her lips, "Caroline's with me, I'll be fine," she shrugs away any worry that I might express.

She looks over my shoulder at us, _past us_, locked into a hug. All of a sudden her body relaxes much more than it was before and a warm glint appears in her eyes. Maybe she's touched by the memory of us together, or maybe she remembers how much she used to lean on me. She doesn't do that anymore. She doesn't need me anymore. "I remember this," her voice is warm when she speaks, "I was so afraid to sleep alone that night," she shakes her head like the idea of her being afraid is ridiculous, "So you took me to your place and - " she stops herself when she realizes what she's about to say.

She remembers it as well. And it hurts her as much as it hurts me.

She stands there for a moment, my eyes on her, her eyes on us, when she finally shakes herself and wakes up, her look growing hard. "What the hell is going on?" she looks at me like all of this is my fault.

I simply shrug. "I have no idea."

But she doesn't look like she's going to give up. If it were up to me, I would just wait until we go back, not asking any questions. Maybe questions are what's keeping us here. Curiosity. I still don't believe this is actually happening, or that we're really here. It's an illusion.

"Is it a memory?" she asks, like I can give her answers, "Or are we in the past?" she ponders on it for only few seconds before growing aggravated. "It all sounds ridiculous and impossible!"

Our lives are ridiculous and impossible.

"What were you doing when this happened?" she asks, her eyes stilled on us. I'm planting a kiss on her forehead now.

In moments like these you realize time is your greatest enemy, because time knits memories and time keeps memories only to use them against us. And memories can be so pleasurable, but they have an ability to hurt you so much as well.

"Sitting and drinking."

She turns around, arching her eyebrow in my direction. "Were you drinking the last time this happened?" she asks almost hopefully.

"No. Why?"

She exhales disappointingly. "I'm just trying to figure out if we're doing something to trigger this."

As those words leave her mouth, the earth starts moving. At first, the movement is slow, but with time, it grows.

My eyes go wide when I realize we're going back and they lock on hers. "Come to the mansion! And bring Caroline with you!" is the last thing I get to say before the light comes.

* * *

"Are these events, the places you're going to, somehow connected?" Caroline asks curiously, resolved to solve this for all of our sake.

Caroline says Elena's been out of it for a little more than half of hour. One moment they were whispering in class, commenting something, when Elena just shut up in the middle of her sentence, her look going blank. When Caroline tried to shake her, her body was as hard as rock.

I guess the same thing happened to me. No one was here with me when it happened.

Caroline is sitting next to me, and Elena is on the other side of us, with Damon by her side. He's holding her hand in his lap. I'm trying not to pay attention. He's trying to calm her down even though she's not upset at all. She's lost, irritated, frustrated, but she's experiencing all of those emotions quietly.

Jeremy is standing by the window, and Katherine is in the chair in the corner of the room. The two of them are here just for the sake of being here, anyway.

I can see him from the profile, and from time to time, he smiles. I wonder is Bonnie here and is she saying something to him, something funny, to brighten the mood, to make him feel like he has a purpose.

"No," Elena shakes her head after some time of thinking, "They're just random events."

She glances over at me, but I stay quiet. I have nothing more to say.

Caroline leans on the sofa supporter, her curls flying in the air. "So they're not special?" she pushes it some more. Maybe she thinks Elena will change her mind if she asks the same question differently few times in a row.

But Elena is patient. "No," she says once again, "Just things that once happened. Memories."

The word memories perks up her interest. "These memories, do they have something in common?" her voice becomes cheery, like she's onto something.

A crease appears between Elena's brows as she tries to think.

"Well," she says, "Us. Stefan and me. Those are our memories."

I notice Damon letting go off of her hand. She looks at him with the corner of her eye.

"So, only the two of you know them?" I bet Caroline feels like a Nancy freaking Drew at the moment. I bet she even has her own detective kit under the bed.

"The first one, yes. But there were other people in the second one. Damon was there."

"Oh," Caroline's shoulders sag in disappointment.

"I haven't felt anything," Damon says, "I wasn't there with them."

Damon's jealousy used to be one big rock. Now that rock shattered, and his jealousy is million little, sharp pieces. And sometimes I don't know which one is more dangerous, a huge rock that can crush you, or small pieces that can go through your skin if moving fast enough.

"So how do you come back?" is Caroline's next question. She's asking good questions, but none of us have answers to them.

"The same way we go. We don't really have any control over it," Elena answers the best way she knows how, "I guess when the memory ends."

"But that's the thing," Damon says irritated, "Memories don't end. It's not like you stopped existing at one point."

Elena thinks that over. It's also true. Why didn't we see us walking away? Going to her house? Coming here? Making love? Those are all memories as well, in the same timeline.

"I think memories are sorted in boxes," Elena says, "And each box has a limited amount of time of how much memory it can fit."

"I lied," is the first thing I say.

Everyone look in my direction. Caroline's eyes are so close that I have a feeling they're going to attack me if I say the wrong thing.

Well, here it goes.

"Remember your dreams?" I direction my question to Elena, "About me drowning?"

She swallows hard. I think she's afraid of where I'm going with this. "Yes," is all she says.

"Well," I hesitate for a moment, but I go with it anyway. It's time. "You're not the only one who was having them."

Katherine is the only one who doesn't react because she knew this, also Jeremy who is too preoccupied with his own problems.

"What!?" Elena, Caroline and Damon say in unison.

I look at each and every one of them. Are they deaf? I mean, I was pretty clear. "I was dreaming about you as well," I say to indulge them.

I still my eyes on Elena and she stills hers on me, like we're sharing some secret no one else is allowed to be let in on.

"Every time you went to sleep, I was asleep as well, I think. Or maybe I was dead, I don't know. It was weird, I would see you in your dorm, even though I had no idea how it looks like, and I would call your name."

It takes some time for everyone to process this, because it's a lot of information. I get it. I never dealt with it myself, I simply pushed it under a rug. Like with so many other things I'm forced to deal with now.

"So if you were sleeping and dreaming of her, and she was sleeping and dreaming of you," Caroline is the first one to take everything in and ask the first question, "Does that mean the two of you met somewhere, maybe even unknowingly?"

"Like, in our dreams?" I ask because I never considered this possibility. Then again, I've never put much thought into this.

"Why her?" Damon asks.

I look at him. He's confused, and there's anger flickering in his eyes.

"Why her what?" I'm not exactly sure what he means by his question.

"Why Elena? Why not someone else?" he clears it up.

Funny, I could ask him the same question.

"I tried. I tried you, I tried Caroline," I tell him, "But Elena was the only one willing to listen."

After those words, silence fills the room.

And it stays there for a long time, choking us all.

* * *

_**AN: About Katherine - I really have 0 problems with writing Steferine, they are my guilty pleasure after all. But, once again, this is about Stefan, who, at the time Katherine came onto him, just said fuck it and went with it. She was a different person, and he wanted be one as well, so he took the opportunity. That's the thing about Stefan being one big mess. First he was angry, then the denial came. He just didn't care. But this is Stefan, he always cares. So he started dealing with it, and it came to him. A) Woah, this is Katherine, we probably won't ever be able to have a relationship due to our past and B) she's human and I learned my lesson with Elena, and there's no way around it. **_

_**Thank you for reading and thank you for your reviews! :)**_


	13. Chapter 13

I woke up cranky today. That's probably such a silly thing to hear, coming from a 160 year old vampire, but that's how I've been feeling. Like a fussy two year old.

Katherine is not there like she used to be, at least not when it comes to me. She's still sleeping in my room. She didn't express the need to sleep anywhere else, and I didn't ask. We still talk, a lot, and often. She has a lot of things on her mind. A lot of questions. She seems to think I understand humans better than she does.

Sometimes, when she's around me, she feels uncomfortable. I can see it.

There are times when she wants to kiss me, or hug me, or just be close to me, then she remembers she's not allowed to. I want to tell her that she can always hug me, as a friend, and that I will be there for her for as long as she needs me, but I'm afraid she might get the wrong impression so I keep quiet. I was her safety blanket, and I pulled myself right from under her. She's shivering now, like a little bird learning how to fly. I think she needs that, to learn how to be independent as a human, not just as a vampire. I won't be able to be in her life for a long time, none of us will.

I think I needed that as well, to realize she won't be in my life forever either. To realize that the woman who turned me into a vampire is going to live a life she stole from me. To realize that Katherine Pierce is finally going to live the life she deserves.

For me, Katherine is two different people. One person I love, the other person I hate. And I guess that's why the two of us would never be able to work it out, even if we had all the time in the world, even if we were willing. Just because Katherine is who she is now doesn't mean who she was before doesn't count. Doesn't mean all the bad things and pain just disappear. At least not for me. Maybe one day she meets someone who decides it doesn't matter when she says she has a dark past she doesn't like to talk about. But I'm the part of that dark past and I think about it all the time.

She started spending some time with Jeremy. Sometimes she makes them lunch. Katherine Pierce in a kitchen is a sight I never thought I will see.

I wonder how Bonnie feels about Katherine spending time with Jeremy.

Jeremy woke us up saying that Bonnie thinks we should pay an early visit to the witch, that she might be able to help us with our new discoveries.

Time is running out. Funny. I always thought that time is endless.

So here we are now, in a car driving to Atlanta where we have been just a couple of days ago. A week, tops.

Caroline couldn't come with us this time since Tyler is supposed to come back home today. She's been preparing herself for this moment for a very long time, even though when the time comes it will probably turn out to be spontaneous. He will come back at the moment she last expects him to come. I hope everything goes perfect for them.

So Katherine took her place and is now sitting next to Jeremy, chatting with him about something I'm too lazy to eavesdrop on. I wonder is Bonnie coming with us, and is she sitting on Jeremy's lap even though Katherine is right there next to him. I'm driving, with Damon on the passenger seat, but my eyes are rarely on the road which is empty anyway. I keep glancing at Elena who is too silent again. I miss the sound of her voice. She's not too happy about Katherine tagging along.

It takes us few hours to reach our destination and this time all of us head over to the house. I step out and ring a bell while everyone stand behind me, like a little army.

I can hear footsteps inside of the house, approaching the door urgently. The key rattles in the lock and the door fly wide open. Wanda squints at us, bright sun preventing her to see our figures clearly.

Once she remembers us she rolls her eyes at our presence. I'm gonna go on a limb here and say she's not our biggest fan.

"I thought I told you to come back in two weeks," she grimaces as her hands fly to her hips. She clenches her fingers around her flesh like she's trying to keep her body from falling apart.

"Well, we decided to drop by sooner," Damon answers, clearly irritated by the way she talks and holds herself in front of us. Or maybe he's just naturally allergic to witches.

Wanda shoots him an icy glare when her eyes catch onto something more interesting. I look over my shoulder and see her staring at Katherine and Elena standing in the close proximity of each other. They really do look like twin sisters, with a very different fashion sense.

But, apparently, they have the same taste in guys. Hello, living, breathing example over here. Okay, I'm actually neither of those two.

Her eyes stay on them a little while longer, but she doesn't look as surprised as when she had seen me and Elena standing next to each other. She seems intrigued, fascinated.

"Interesting," she hums quietly, finally taking her look away from those two. "Well," she pushes the door open for us to come in, "Come inside."

I'm the first one to step inside when I hear Damon's smug voice. "Thanks, but no thanks. We don't need an invitation anymore, we've been here already."

Sometimes I fantasize about closing his mouth with a stapler. It's a beautiful fantasy.

I can see Wanda grin. She grins so hard that her lips almost envelop around her entire head. "Actually," she has the same smug voice as Damon does. Maybe that's why Damon never gets along with witches. Because both of them think they're right, it's just that witches usually are right and that pisses the shit out of him. "When you left, I did a spell and put the wards back up. I do that whenever anyone leaves my house," she shrugs as she leads us towards the same table we've been sitting by the last time, just this time, it's stacked with books. Piles and piles of books. "Do you know how many angry, revenge seeking supernatural creatures visit me?" she pulls out a chair and sits on it, motioning for all of us to sit down as well.

"Tooth Fairy?" Damon mocks her, "I tremble before her."

Wanda's face becomes serious. "You should."

I can't tell is she being serious or is she just messing with Damon, because her expression is straight serious the whole time she's making eye contact with Damon. The Tooth Fairy doesn't exist.

Well, neither do vampires if you ask most humans. We're all creatures from a book, something they scare their children with to stay away from the dark. But the dark is everywhere. You can't escape it.

So maybe the Tooth Fairy does exist and she doesn't leave money under the pillow in exchange for a tooth. Maybe she rips children's teeth out when they sleep.

"I thought you can't do magic," Elena says to break the tension.

Wanda exhales disappointingly. She probably misses it, magic, but she made a mistake and this is a price she has to pay. And she will keep paying it for the rest of her life. "I can't. Only basic stuff. Mostly protection," she clears it up. "So, how can I help you?" she shifts her attention to me, her expression still serious. I have no idea why she's asking me, maybe she thinks I'm the one with all the serious questions.

"We need to know," I say nervously because, honestly, this chick scares me a little, "Did you find anything?"

"No," her answer is quick, instant, "Well, nothing much, and nothing you already didn't know," she relaxes and warms up increasingly while talking to me. She's quick with her answers, and by the way her eyes are traveling from me, over Elena, to Katherine, I would say she has something else on her mind. "I see you brought me a new guest," she stills her look on Katherine.

Katherine looks at her with the same fire in her eyes she had since the day I met her. I hope she never loses that fire. It makes her special. It makes her a survivor.

"Katerina," Wanda says all knowingly. All hail the witches.

A crease appears between Katherine's brows and she narrows her look questioningly, "Have we met?" she tries to recall meeting Wanda before today, but I already know they never met before. At least that's what Wanda told us.

"Not personally," she chuckles, "Let's just say I was there to clean up after your mess a lot of times," she gives Katherine a meaningful look, sharing with her a private story none of us are allowed in on. And judging by the look on Katherine's face, she knows exactly what Wanda is talking about. Witches don't work with vampires, or for vampires, but they do work to protect the innocent, so I guess whatever mess Katherine left behind was something with the possibility to endanger them. "I see you're human now," she notices. I wonder how she knows. Is it that obvious, that people who know anything about Katherine Pierce can tell the difference just by looking at her? "Which means you're the lucky winner of one of a kind cure for vampirism."

Katherine's throat contracts but she doesn't say a word.

"So, how's the human life treating you?" she asks mockingly, hiding fits of laughter behind her words. She finally found someone as miserable as she is, living a life she doesn't want to live. And if she looked closer, she would realize she can mock any of us for that reason.

Again, Katherine doesn't answer her, because there is no answer, at least not yet. She still hasn't met any of the perks or difficulties of a human life, not really.

"There's one thing I want to know, though," she leans over the table, "How did they convince you to take the cure?"

There are fumes coming out of Katherine's ears. Metaphorically, of course.

Or maybe not.

"It wasn't exactly consensual," she says through her teeth.

Wanda leans back in her chair. "Ah," she says, as if she's been suspecting it all along, "Turning back into a vampire is always an option," she hums amused.

I almost growl at her. "No, it's not," I'm not letting Katherine throw her life away, not now when she got a second shot. She can do something marvelous, incredible. 500 years of survival proved to us that Katherine is destined for greatness.

Wanda looks at me, amusement sparkling in her eyes.

"I can't," Katherine says silently, sheepishly, as if she didn't even hear me speak.

"Why?" Wanda asks curiously.

Katherine sighs. "Because I'm the first one to take the cure, who knows what would happen."

Wanda nods respectfully. "You have a point there," she agrees, a new grin appearing in the corners of her lips, sparkling with mischief, "But wouldn't the risk be worth it?"

This time, I do growl. But I'm not loud. Just sharp enough to make her see that I'm serious. "No," I say determined, "It wouldn't. Now, are you going to tell us?" I ask because I'm tired of this cat and mouse play. I want this over already, once and for all.

Wanda crinkles her nose, putting me in a _bad boy, no candy_ box, the same Damon's in, and crosses her arms over her chest. "Are you going to tell me?" she asks.

What the actual fuck? "What!?" I exclaim at her, getting slightly irritated, "We're here for you to help us, not the other way around." What could she want from us anyway? Her reputation is that she's all knowledgeable.

She sneers at me. "Don't play dumb with me! How did you do it?" she's becoming as irritated as I am. I think not knowing something is putting her on edge.

"Do what?" I raise my voice a little bit more, just for the sake of out shouting her.

"How did you break it?" she slams her palms against the table. If there weren't so many books on it, I'm pretty sure that the table would rattle and fall apart.

"Break what?" I ask because that seems the next logical step of this conversation.

"The curse!" she becomes angrier every time I answer her question with a new question. "How did you break the curse? It was a carefully crafted curse, impossible to break. It was holding on for centuries, and now it just breaks? By accident? I don't think so!" or maybe she's angry because someone outsmarted the witches, since someone obviously broke this curse.

I would hate to anger her some more, but.. "What curse?" I ask.

Her whole face is red making her, next to her hair, really look like she's on fire. She stills her eyes on mine, trying to crack me. I know she won't be able to because I'm telling the truth. She's probably mad because she's thinking about how easier this would be if she still had her powers. She moves her look from mine, carefully watching everyone else by the table, whose expressions are probably as confused as mine is.

She relaxes when she realizes I'm telling the truth. "You really have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?" she drops her body back into the chair like she weighs nothing and covers her face with her palms.

"No, we really don't," I answer as calmly as possible.

Her hands drop into her lap and her look hardens. Like she'a angry at me. Like all of this is my fault. "Which one of them do you love?" she spits out like she's disgusted with me.

I stare at her confused, until she moves her look to Katherine and Elena, and then I finally understand what she's asking me. "Why is that important?" I narrow my eyes at her, avoiding to answer the question everyone at this table know the answer to.

Well, except Wanda.

"Can't you see?" she shakes her head. I'm not sure why she's angry. We're the ones who are supposed to be angry. She's not being blackmailed and chased by her evil doppelganger. Maybe she's angry because she has to deal with this. Or maybe she's angry because she doesn't have any answers. "Everything is important, because it revolves around you. Whatever this is."

I have nothing more to say.

"He doesn't love me," Katherine gives her the answer I wasn't able to give, "He loves her," Wanda shifts her attention to Katherine, clearly amused by her speaking up. "Or at least he used to. He used to love us both. Not at the same time, though. And I - " she starts, but then changes her mind, "Both of us wrecked him in different ways. I know he doesn't love me. I don't know does he love her still. I'm not sure he does either."

It's weird, hearing Katherine say something like that. Something serious and truthful.

Wanda cocks her eyebrow in Katherine's direction. "But he does care for you?" she asks, even though it's not necessary because by her next words I know that she knows I do, "I can sense it in the way he speaks, in the way he defends you."

Katherine nods. "Yeah, he does. He does care about me."

I'm glad that she knows that I care for her. I'm glad that I wasn't the one who had to answer Wanda's question. Not because I'm not sure about my feelings, but because Katherine is sure enough in them as well.

"How did you two meet?" Wanda asks, not out of curiosity, but because that information seems relevant.

"I met him when he was still human, more than hundred years ago. I - I.." Katherine stammers under Wanda's watchful eye, "I was the one to turn him. Then I ran, leaving him behind," there's guilt spilling from her lips in gallons.

"You haven't seen each other forever since?" Wanda hums, gathering more information.

"Well, I've see him, but he hasn't seen me. Not until.. not until about two years ago."

Wanda nods, but she seems distant. Then she looks at Elena and asks, "And you?"

Elena stares at her, watching her carefully, before she decides it's safe to speak. "He saved my life," she says because that's how it all started, "Three months later he became a part of my life and we just.." she can't do it, she can't even say it.

"Fell in love," Wanda finishes her sentence for her. She glances at me with the corner of her eye, and I swear I can see sympathy there.

"I'm sorry, but how all of this matters?" Elena asks curiously, a question that's been hanging in the air for quite some time.

Wanda looks at all of us, her look resting on each and every one of us for few seconds, like she's thinking should she tell us the truth or not. "Do you know why the doppelgangers were created?" I guess she opts to tell us the truth.

"To maintain the balance," I answer sheepishly, repeating Silas' words.

Wanda chuckles. "Balance between what?" she asks.

But none of us have the answer. None of us thought it through. There's little we know about doppelgangers and, honestly, none of us ever wanted to know more. There weren't many sources, anyway. Most of the things we know we learned from Klaus, even though his information was incomplete as well.

"Humans do not keep balance. Neither do werewolves, or vampires," Wanda snorts, like she finds the idea so preposterous, "Witches do," she says proudly. "You were never supposed to meet. Let alone fall in love. It should have never happened," she shakes her head, a crease between her brows deepening.

I can feel that all of us are equally confused.

"Excuse me?" I'm the one who asks the question everyone are dying to ask.

"There's no maintaining of balance," she throws her arms in the air, "That's a lie witches thought of so Silas never finds the truth. Only few of us know the truth, few of us who are mentally strong to fight him. Who know how to put walls in our minds so he can't see our secrets," I guess those witches have to be pretty powerful since Silas was able to fool Bonnie with his tricks. "Well, and you. I guess that's my bad," her expression is full of fake remorse, "Ooops," she smiles. Maybe now when she's not a part of their world anymore she doesn't care enough about keeping their secrets. Or maybe she thought it's important that we know.

"Then what are doppelgangers really for?" Damon asks, a frown evident on his face.

Wanda wiggles her lips before taking a deep, loud breath. "Remember how I told you last time that witches made sure that Silas never gets reunited with his love?" we all nod at the same time, curious to hear the rest of it, "Well, they thought that's not the punishment enough. You doppelgangers, you're all connected somehow. You're not exactly the same, but you're not completely different either. Your looks is not the only thing you share. Same things drive you, and sometimes, one doppelgangers flaws are the others merits. You're not created by nature, doppelgangers are supernatural creatures. And like every supernatural creature, you're an experiment. Something gone wrong, nature got exploited," she makes a full stop like she's done with her speech.

"That still doesn't explain what all of this has to do with us," Elena shakes her head confused.

Then it hits me. "Oh my God," I say silently, and Wanda looks at me. She knows I've figured it out, I know it by the grin on her face. "Silas' true love was the first Petrova doppelganger. The original one."

I don't even question this, I'm pretty sure. Her grin does falter, which makes me more sure than I was second ago.

"Ding, ding," Wanda says, "That's right. Witches are the ones who created doppelgangers, not nature. And they didn't do it to maintain some balance, they did it as a punishment. People who look exactly like Silas and Amara, who have their qualities, share some personality traits, keep getting born, but are unable to find each other. It's cruel, but.." she sucks some air through her teeth.

"It's also brilliant," Damon finishes her sentence for her. Wanda looks at him with a wide grin on her face, grateful for the indirect compliment.

"Then.." Katherine furrows her brows, "How did we meet?"

All of a sudden Wanda becomes serious. It amazes me, how quickly she can change her facial expressions. "That's what I want to know as well. How did you break the curse? Or did someone break it for you? For what purpose?" she keeps asking all these questions but none are directed to us. She's asking herself.

"We have more information," Elena starts, "New things keep happening and - "

"No, no, no," Wanda interrupts her, "My head is going to explode. Let me figure out this first, and then we can discuss these other things."

We all nod because what other choice do we have?

"Come back in a week, as we initially agreed," she looks at us under the eye.

It's time for us to leave.

"Wait," Jeremy says. This is the first time he said anything since we came here. I almost forgot he came here with us. "Our friend, Bonnie, she's a witch. She died. How can we bring her back?"

Wanda looks at him, and I recognize that look in her eyes. She looked at me the same way just a couple of minutes ago. It's sympathy. "Us, witches, we're connected to nature. We're partners, we work together. That's why we're able to bring people back from the dead, if we possess enough power. But, when a witch dies.." she stops for a moment, allowing her lungs to fill with air again, "She can't be brought back. Magic doesn't allow it. I'm sorry."

* * *

_**AN: Stefan letting Katherine go has nothing to do with Elena, and everything to do with Katherine, and himself. You just don't get over someone, no matter how much they hurt you. And I don't think that a girl who looks exactly like his ex, and now reminds him of her personality wise, is a good rebound material. Also, Katherine is human, so that complicates things from her side. Just two chapters go I wrote Elena saying that she's happy with Damon, and I wrote Stefan saying he's letting her go, which is true. Am I going to end this story how I would like to see the show end? Yes. And I can assure you it doesn't include Stefan and Elena getting back together after few chapters. Plus, Stefan was never a guy who took his problems out on a girl by using sex. I think Stefan needs a friend more than anything, therefor Steroline friendship.**_

_**I hope you liked this chapter and thank you for your reviews :)**_


	14. Chapter 14

"Well, that's a lot of information to process," Caroline nods, trying to wrap her head around everything I've just told her.

"Believe me, I know," I smile because I, myself, am still trying to deal with it. I think everyone can agree that this situation is pretty much creepy. Since none of us broke the curse, a curse we knew nothing about, someone else must have broken it for us. But who? And with what intention? So we can meet? But why? Why is us meeting so important? Because we're doppelgangers? And if so, why did Katherine disappear for more than hundred years? I have so many questions but Wanda won't answer any of them until she finds answers to her own questions. Soon I'll have to start writing them down because there's no chance in hell I'll remember them all.

"I mean, that's freaky," she says again, her eyes wide, her look glued to one spot on the wall, "You and Elena were never supposed to meet, or at least you were forbidden to. You broke the rules without knowing you're breaking them, and without trying to."

"Well," I say tiredly, sighing loudly, "Me and Katherine as well."

That makes her shift her attention from the wall to me, but still, she stares at me blankly, like I, myself, am a wall. "Urgh," she growls silently at me, "That's irrelevant. She ran and never came back, not until something she wanted was near you. You and Elena on the other hand," her voice becomes softer than it was a second ago while she was talking about Katherine, "You fell in love. You stayed. Even after the shit had hit the fan," she makes a disgusted face, probably conjuring a mental imagine, something Caroline tends to do often, "And exploded."

"You keep forgetting that I almost left town," I try to push her theory off of a cliff.

She makes a face at me, letting me know that she can see what I'm trying to do. I fake innocence. "Yeah, but something stopped you," she contradicts me, "I don't think that's a coincidence."

I snort. "No, that's bad luck."

She stops fighting me because she knows neither of us will leave this conversation as a winner. I used to believe in fate, and destiny. When you live as long as I do, you realize there are too many things that just can't be called a coincidence. Coincidence is rare, but fate is everyday, if you're willing to open your eyes to it. Some things are simply more than an outcome of several luckily connected events. Then disappointment and pain settle in your life, kind of pain you have never experienced before, and you refuse to believe fate would bring you such a thing so you stop believing in it all together.

It's funny, though, how when I decide to move on from Elena Gilbert, I find out there's something bigger connecting me to her. I can practically hear the universe laughing at me. _Did you really think you're allowed to move on? Now sit here, be quiet, and suffer._

It's not like I haven't been doing that 90% of my life.

"I mean," she starts, and I'm about to tell her I'm not in the mood for this conversation, when she says, "Elena is more important because if you hadn't met her, you wouldn't have met me, and that just wouldn't do," she smiles at me.

I smile back at her, widely, genuinely.

"So," I decide to change the topic, "How's Tyler?" Caroline is always prying into my life, it's time for me to return the favor.

She straightens herself, but her smile remains untouched. "He's good," she nods, her face flushing, "I'm really glad that he's back, but.." her eyes wander away from mine, and I do my best to catch her look.

"But what?" I try to will her to speak.

"He says he can't stay for long," she says after few moments of hesitation.

This gets me all worked up because he's been away for as long as I were, and he had a choice to come back. He knows she's waiting for him here, and that she will keep on waiting because that's what Caroline does. She doesn't let go. "Why the hell not?" I raise my voice a little, and by the look in her eyes I can detect her distaste for it.

"There are people who need his help," she explains his cause with that one sentence, as if it's simple as that. Maybe it is. But when did his cause become more important than her? Should it be?

If it were up to me, I would say yes. I can see where he's coming from. Once you start protecting people, it gets under your skin, and you just can't stop. Because it feels good, being so selflessly heroic. Proving that every feeling is selfish in a way.

But I'm protective of Caroline, so I guess that means I'm on her side.

"He's not like us," she exhales loudly, but not disappointingly, even though the fact is hard to accept, "Like me, I mean. He knows he has time and that he doesn't have to do this college experience right now. He can do it in few years time. He knows that time is frozen for us and that it doesn't matter if we do certain things now or in ten years," her look is stilled on mine now, her eyes glossy with tears. But she doesn't cry. "Sometimes I forget that. Sometimes I forget that I don't have to do this now if I don't want to, because it will all still be here in few years. Or hundred. Sometimes I'm still rushing to grow up, forgetting that I never will."

I know how she feels, because that's how I used to feel as well. My childhood dreams were haunting me for a very long time, urging me to make them come true there and then because I'm already too late. Now, there's too much time.

But she's wrong. We're not immortal and we don't know when we're going to die. Lexi didn't think she was going to die when she came to visit me. She had plans, she had a life. She was in love. Maybe Caroline is smart to do things she wants to do now, and I guess same goes for Tyler. He's doing something he believes in. I guess we all are, we just have different priorities.

I'm not going to tell her that eventually she will grow up. There are certain things we will never get to experience. Like having our own children, or growing old, or living a steady life in the same house our whole lives, chasing after a career or a loved one, or both. But she will grow up in all the ways that count, and in all the ways other people won't.

"I'm thankful that he came, though, even if he has to leave in few days again. He says he will try to stop by as often as he can," she lowers her look a little, clearly struggling to accept this, "Do you think we can make it work?" she asks so silently that at first I think I've imagined her saying anything, but then she looks at me expectantly and I realize she indeed did ask me this question.

I wiggle my lips a little. "I really don't know, Care," I answer honestly, "I wish I could tell you that I do or don't believe in statistic facts of long distance relationships, but numbers have nothing to do with love and relationships. So it's really up to you," I think it over, and then add, "And other people in your life. And million other things. So you'll just have to sit and wait."

She exhales loudly one more time before throwing herself onto the sofa supporter, "Waiting isn't really my thing. I'm too impatient."

Don't I know it. "Well, then we'll just have to keep you busy."

She cocks her eyebrow at me, amused. "Do you have something in mind?"

I frown. "Well, not right now."

"We can always resort to Broadway," she chuckles.

"Or baking cupcakes."

She gasps, her eyes flying wide open, the corners of her lips curving into a smile. "Dancing cupcakes!"

I laugh out loud, too loud, so loud that I can't remember the last time I've laughed this loudly, if ever.

* * *

**_ELENA'S POV_**

_I stop by the mansion to talk with Stefan about everything Wanda told us because I have to talk to someone. Caroline sees it as a romantic sign, Damon sure as hell doesn't want to talk about it, and Stefan is the only person who understands anyway._

_But when I come inside the only person I find is Katherine and she reeks of booze._

_"Is Stefan here?" I ask politely, even though I, myself, can sense bits of bitterness in my voice. I cross my arms over my chest, watching her trying to concentrate on my figure._

_I still don't feel comfortable with being alone in the same room with Katherine, and being in her presence doesn't make me happy even if there are other people with us._

_"He's out with Caroline," she responds, clearly drunk. She probably doesn't know her limit now when she's human. She stutters as she speaks, experiencing difficulty with getting the words out of her mouth._

_I nod, not even sure she has seen me, and not caring if she did. She will forget I've been here at all in five minutes, anyway. But as I turn around and make the first step to leave, something stops me. Jealousy. Curiosity. Maybe both. Maybe neither of those things._

_"Katherine," I turn around, calling her name. She lifts her eyes so they're in level with mine. "What were you doing with Stefan?" I ask because I can't figure it out. Why him and why again and the real question I want to ask is what was he doing with her but I can't so this is the next best thing I can get._

_It takes her some time to speak, I don't know is she hesitating or just trying to concentrate to find the right words, but once she speaks her question catches me off guard. "What are you doing without him?"_

_She knows the answer to that question. She knows I'm with Damon._

_But she's not asking me why I'm with Damon. She's asking me why am I not with Stefan. And she seems to think those two are not connected. People often do that, just pair me and Stefan up, like that's how it should be. Like that's how it would be if it weren't for Damon._

_I stay silent, mainly because I have no real answer to her question, at least not one that's not obvious._

_Since Wanda told us the truth, I've been thinking a lot. There were doppelgangers before us and, apparently, they haven't met because they weren't supposed to. How was it for them? Because I often wonder how would my life without Stefan turn out to be. Where would I be now? Would I still be that sad little girl feeling half empty? I got better because he made me full. He gave me a reason to live. With him, I felt complete. Is that how all those girls before me felt without their Stefan's? Empty? Incomplete?_

_So why us then? Why did we meet, and how? Why did Katherine run away from him? Didn't she feel incomplete without him as well? How did she make herself her priority and was it enough?_

_Why were we allowed to meet and fall in love and is this the price we're paying for bending the rules? Him being in pain and me feeling guilty for being the source of that pain._

_"He's Stefan," is the next thing she says, as if it's that simple. Maybe it is, for her. Maybe it was for me as well, once upon a time._

_"You're human now," I try to make my point._

_She snorts. "That's what he said as well," her look burns through me, "That I'm human and he's a vampire and that, in the end, both of us are going to end up hurt."_

_And that's the last thing Stefan needs. More pain._

_"You seem to be accepting it very well," I say with a hint of sarcasm in my voice, looking at the empty bottle by her side, but I'm also quite serious. You never know what to expect from Katherine. "That he's not yours."_

_She looks at me like she's surprised I would say this. "He was never mine," she responds, her look relaxing. "He was always yours. He always will be. He's trying.." she swallows, "He's trying to move on. Who knows, maybe he succeeds, with someone else. But you're always going to be there, reminding him it's never going to be same, or better."_

_I inhale deeply, torturing myself with air which means nothing to me anymore. I don't know where she's going with this, but I'm not in the mood for a fight._

_"Relax, Elena," she says like she can read my mind, "I'm not angry or anything. At least not with you."_

_Maybe she's angry with herself._

_"In a long run, I know he's doing me a favor. To himself as well. By letting me go now, before things get more complicated."_

_If he was able to do the same with me, things would have been much, much different for both of us._

_The thing is, I'm not sure I would want him to do so._

_The thing is, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't let him._

* * *

**_AN: I'm sorry it took me so long to update, but I haven't had a chance to write in a very, very long time. I've been super busy._**

**_Honestly, watching the show, it's scary how similar my and Julie's ideas are. I'm not sure how I feel about the whole destiny thing. Imo, defying destiny is a much more interesting plot than simply going on with it. Being fated to someone is too easy. And honestly, I'm still waiting for a ball to drop because I feel like there's more to the story. Third episode seems a little bit too early for everything to be revealed. So I'm waiting for a plot twist._**


	15. Chapter 15

Here we are again, in a car, on our way to Atlanta for the third time. Third time is a charm, right?

Jeremy refused to come with us this time. Wanda's answer about bringing Bonnie back had hit him pretty hard, but he's refusing to accept it. I'm pretty sure he went through every book in his possession at least twice. Sometimes I wonder why is he so persistent. Because he feels guilty? Or because he actually misses her? Maybe it's a little bit of both. Maybe it's one more than the other.

Sometimes I wonder what Bonnie has to say about everything. Jeremy rarely talks to her anymore, at least in front of us. Maybe she went away. Maybe she's screaming at him but he won't listen.

Tyler went away three days ago, and Caroline has been bummed ever since. She's eating mousse and drowning it in gallons of blood, then complains about getting fat. It has to stop, she's turning into a horrid, vampire cliche. So I made her come with us to Atlanta, against her will. I basically had to push her into the car. So she's pretending to be angry with me, but I can see that she's secretly enjoying the ride. She has her sunglasses on, and the car window is down, wind playing with her big, golden locks. Change of scenery will do her good, plus she will be there to hear whatever Wanda has to say.

We drive in silence, there's no conversation, no music. Katherine hums awkwardly from time to time, being squeezed between Damon and Elena. I sneak a peek at Elena only once during the ride, which is progress. She's still unusually quiet and deep into thought, and Damon is not in the mood this time. And more than usual. I heard them having a fight this morning. And yesterday afternoon. And the day before that. I try not to eavesdrop so I don't know what they're fighting about. I only know they're not angry. Before, they used to fight because one of them did something wrong, and they were angry and loud, but now, it's like fighting became a habit to them.

Wanda's house is always the same. I wonder does she ever move her curtains and to whom she pays to mow down her lawn. We leave the car and move towards the house and the silence follows us. I ring the bell once and few seconds afterwards Wanda opens the door. She's wearing jeans and an over sized t-shirt which makes her look even shorter. Her hair is a mess and I'm afraid Caroline is going to offer to do her hair. There are big, dark bags under her eyes. I don't think she got much sleep recently. There's a cup with a sheep's head sticking out from it in her hand. Coffee. I can smell it.

"Come in," she invites us in and moves down the hall. We follow her towards the same table we're always sitting at. It's still stacked with books, but now there are rows and rows of books on the floor, one on top of the other.

I can hear Caroline whimper quietly. The smell of coffee from Wanda's cup is tickling her senses.

We assume our positions at the table at the same time Wanda says, "I know what the clues mean."

I've been trying to figure them out. I've been trying to think of something fantastic, mind blowing, because that's what I thought the answer is, something special and tough to solve. Then I thought maybe it's everyday and banal, because that's how these things usually turn out to be. Ordinary. I never came up with anything, though, however you turn it.

"And?" Damon asks curiously and somewhat annoyed.

Wanda doesn't seem to notice, and if she does, she decides to ignore him because she doesn't whip him that look of hers when she's trying to put him in his place.

"_They come in two, but their paths will never cross,_" she repeats the first clue, "It's not written anywhere, and if it is, it's lost to me and to everyone I've tried to contact."

She's still in contact with other people? I guess not everyone turned their backs on her.

"I cracked that one on my own," there's smugness in her voice. I think she expects praise because when she doesn't get it, she rolls her eyes, "Doppelgangers," one small, simple word leaves her mouth and all of a sudden the riddle is clear. Of course. It's easier now when we know we weren't supposed to meet. "Honestly," she takes a sip of coffee, and Caroline stirs in her seat, "I have no idea how none of you figured it out. Or Silas for that matter. It's far too easy."

Maybe because we have been concentrating on other things, expecting some big discovery, not something that's in front of us. I guess the same goes for Silas. We all think things are complicated, when in reality, most of them are fairly simple once you put your mind into understanding them.

"And the second one?" I ask.

Now she looks amused, and that's never a good sign. "_It has no color and no shape, none of five senses work on it, it doesn't exist unless you make it to and when you do it's in a place you cannot reach,_" she sings this riddle out like it's her favorite song. "It's magic," she announces.

I frown. "Magic came up to my mind as well," her eyes are on me, always on me, like I'm holding a key to all this, "But magic does work on your senses. And technically, you can reach for magic, if you're ever planning of using it," I know there's more to it, I know I'm wrong, because she keeps smiling at me. She's winning and she knows it, she's smarter than us and we need her and she's enjoying it.

"You're a very clever boy, Stefan," she mocks me. A boy. I wonder how old she really is. Is she older than me? Is that even possible? How much energy would she have to absorb to live that long and look that young, but as a human? "But there's a magic you cannot reach for, magic you cannot use. Magic that uses you instead," she empties her cup, for which I'm sure Caroline is thankful for and places it on the other side of the table, hiding it behind a stack of books. She stands up and starts walking slowly around the table. "You see, magic is a very tricky and dangerous thing, and not everyone are allowed to play with it. Witches are supposed to protect magic, to keep it safe from those who want to abuse it," she sucks in air through her teeth. She abused it. "But witches can only do so much.." there's guilt in her voice, mixed with regret. She misses it, being a witch, in the true sense of the word. I bet she would give all those years and her youth for just one more true spell. Because that's in her nature. Us, vampires, we feed on blood. Witches feed on their own self accomplishment which comes from magic. "So there's one type of magic for which there's no spell, a magic everyone can create, but no one can control. Not even witches. We never tried to. Maybe we could do it, bottle it up, chain it, bend it to our will, but no one ever tried and no one ever will because that magic is the gentlest and most dangerous kind of magic in the world. Does anyone know what it is?" I have a feeling like I'm in a classroom, and she's a teacher, asking a question I'm ashamed to admit I don't know an answer to because I can almost feel the simplicity of it.

She's behind me. She lowers her head on my shoulder. Her lips are so close to my ear. And then she says it, slowly, gently, quietly, but all of us hear it clearly. "_Love._"

No one says a word. Wanda straightens herself up and walks over to the other side of the table and sits on her chair.

I can feel something ticking inside of me. _Love_. I hate it. I hate the word, I hate how it feels and sounds and tastes and hurts. I hate everything about it, but it's everywhere.

I'm a walking, talking, ticking time bomb. Caroline was right. She's always right. She's going to enjoy it when I tell her this.

I have a feeling I'm going to explode. Some needs to cut the right wire, _blue, red, blue, red, blue, red, blue, red_, because I can't see inside of myself. Cut them both. Risk it.

"You gotta be kidding me," Damon sounds really annoyed now. He's going to explode as well, but he's going to do it internally, quietly. He's not going to make a mess this time. I am.

"I can assure you I'm not," she responds to him, but keeps her attention on me. Our eyes are locked, dancing with each other. Can she see it? Red digits in my eyes. Countdown inside of my pupils. Does she know I'm going to explode? Isn't she afraid I'm going to take her down as well?

She has nothing to lose. She probably thinks it's going to be fun, being blown to pieces. Just to watch me blow up as well.

"No matter how cheesy it sounds," she continues, "Something wanted these two to meet, so they met. Because they're crucial in stopping whatever needs to be stopped. I'm guessing it has to do something with Silas."

I glance over at Elena and for the first time since I met her I don't know what she's feeling. Her face is blank.

It only makes me angrier. Few digits go down _so fast too fast_, faster than they should.

"So this is about doppelgangers? And love?" Katherine asks suspiciously.

Wanda nods. "That's correct."

Katherine furrows her brows. "Why them, then? Why not us? We're doppelgangers, I loved him, he loved me."

Her question is legit and Wanda seems to agree with me because I can see that she's thinking it through. "Hmm," she hums quietly, but then pity washes over her features. "You know, when you look at love as more than a feeling, when you look at it through the eyes of magic, it's even more confusing and complicated." I wonder has Wanda ever seen love in any other way. "Some things are simply destined to happen, no matter what, but destiny is not a force. It's a path. Your love, it wasn't enough."

"But you're saying mine and Elena's was?" I can feel rage seeping from my lips, "She left me!" Caroline looks at me, her eyes wide. Can she smell the smoke yet?

Wanda doesn't react to it, though, she just keeps smiling. "Yes, it was," she says calmly, "If it weren't, you would move on, waiting for another doppelganger to appear. You stopped here, which means it was enough."

_No, it wasn't_, I want to say, but I pull a break.

"So, what? We were forced to fall in love?" I ask instead, still snapping at her. Caroline is still eyeing me, carefully. She doesn't want me to snap at her as well.

Wanda laughs, loudly, like I'm stupid. Like my question is so idiotic. "No," she shakes her head, telling me I'm not getting it at all, "No one can force you to fall in love. Someone or something can force you to be with someone and then you fall in love. Nothing can force the actual feeling of love, that is born on its own. Destiny, fate, whatever the thing that brought you together is, is merely helping you. It made sure you meet. You fell in love on your own. The relationship you created, it was all you. You would have met one way or another, because it's meant to be, but no one could ever be sure you will fall in love. You could have hated each other as easily as you loved each other. And her leaving you.." Wanda glances at Elena for a moment before turning her look back to me, "Well, like I said, destiny is not a force. It can't count on other people in your life, it only takes care of you. Once you meet, it leaves you to fight on your own."

How did we come from not being supposed to meet to being meant to meet each other? Did destiny break the curse, because we're meant to do something? Something big, something important, something incredible.

I can feel fumes rising inside of my body, starting in my heels. They're clouding my brain.

"But they were still enough," Caroline takes her look away from me. Maybe she thinks it's safe. Maybe she's afraid of looking at me. Maybe she doesn't want to see when it happens.

"They do seem to have something special, since things are set in motion," Wanda agrees.

Special my ass. Does special means leaving me for my brother? Is that what she means by special, me not being enough, yet again?

I do not want to be meant to do something or have some special cause.

I just want to be enough.

"Like soulmates," Caroline chimes in excitedly. She loves that word. That big, romantic notion gives her hope.

It makes me shake. The countdown is almost over. I wonder how will it happen.

"A person can have more than one soulmate," Damon adds all knowingly.

"Not really," Wanda shakes his words off, "It's a notion humans created because they find it depressing that there's just one person right for you in the whole world, because what are the chances you're going to meet? But that's what's special about soulmates, they rarely meet. It's not that you're going to spend your whole life unhappy if you don't find your soulmate. You will find someone and fall in love and you will have a wonderful life. Being with your soulmate is not about being 100% compatible with them anyway. You can be compatible with many people. Having a soulmate is about that feeling."

Damon sneers. "What feeling?" I have no idea is he curious or suspicious.

"She knows," Wanda nods towards Elena, "And there are no words for that pit in her stomach, for the way she shivers like she's cold in the middle of summer, because she probably doesn't even feel it all the time, even though it's always present. And it keeps growing. If she lives for hundred more years without him, she will feel it, and it will destroy her eventually, especially if he's somewhere out there as well. I'm not saying she doesn't love you, or that she won't and can't love anyone else, but that feeling.." she moves her look to me again, I can feel it, her eyes grabbing me and shaking me and few digits fall out of my pupils on the floor, "That feeling is for one person only."

Silence falls over us, but I can hear ticking inside of my ears, it's echoing through my body. I wonder can anyone else hear it as well.

"You said last time you were here that you have some new discoveries," Wanda breaks the silence.

When I don't answer, Elena does it for me. "Yeah, some strange things have been happening. To Stefan and me. We're.." I can see her frown from the corner of my eye, "I have no idea what we're doing, but there are times when we can feel the earth moving, but no one else can. Then the white light blinds us and we start reliving one of our memories. Well, not actually reliving it, we're more like observers. We're watching it, our former selves, going through that moment. And then we go back, like nothing has happened."

Wanda furrows her brows, clearly confused. One more trick she has to deal with. "Where are your bodies while you're experiencing this?" is her first question. Interesting choice.

"Wherever we were at the moment. It's like we fall asleep."

"Is something triggering this?"

"No. Not from what we can tell, at least."

"Hmm," Wanda hums again, thinking it over. "Anything else?" what else does she need? Isn't this freaky enough?

"Yes," Elena nods, "During the summer, Stefan has been.. drowning," dying repeatedly is more like it, but whatever, "Silas locked him in a safe and pushed him down the quarry," yeah Elena, give her details, I really want to relive it, "And he's been reaching out to me. He's been dreaming of me, and I've been dreaming of him. At first it wasn't very clear, but in the end, that's how we figured out where he is."

Wanda looks shocked. Good. I'm glad we can shock her for a change.

"Hmm," she says again, regaining her posture pretty quickly. She hums loudly. I think it's a part of her thinking process. "Was there anything different when he came out?"

"No," I answer.

"Yes," she contradicts me at the same time.

"Interesting," Wanda comments.

Elena looks at me and I look at her.

"You were different," she says, her throat contracting, "You still are."

I'm not going to ask how, I'm not going to ask how, I'm not going to ask how.

"How?"

Dammit Wanda.

"He was.." Elena chooses her words carefully, her eyes stilled on mine, "Not like himself."

And there it is. I release the break. All Hell breaks lose. The countdown reaches zero. No more digits.

And I explode.

"Can you blame me?" I raise my voice, and Caroline looks at me again, only for a second, before averting her gaze. She lowers herself in her chair. She can feel it, she can smell the smoke and fire and she knows I'm burning and she knows I'm going to burn her too. Why isn't she running? I don't want to take her down with me. "I was there for three months, Elena. Drowning. Dying. I can still feel water in my lungs. There are nights when I wake up because I think I'm drowning. I can feel water filling my whole body, unnecessary water," she opens her lips like she's going to say something but there isn't anything to say and she knows it. She wants to tear her look away from mine because I'm hurting her with the look in my eyes, but she can't. She thinks she deserves it, to feel this pain. The same pain I'm feeling. She's okay with being my punching bag and she shouldn't be. I don't want her to be. She should take Caroline by the hand and they should both run away from me. Far away. "I was praying for someone to hear me calling their name, and then you did," I can't stop talking, not now once I started, "But you didn't come, not for a long, long time. You were pushing me away. The feeling, the dreams, everything, you erased me completely. Until you couldn't take it anymore, because I didn't want to give up. I couldn't. What were you doing the whole summer?" my voice is desperate and there are tears in her eyes. I know an answer to that question and I don't want to hear it out loud. "Was it that much more important than helping me? I know you don't love me anymore, so do you hate me? Is that why you were telling yourself none of it is real? Because you didn't want to deal with me?"

Part of me knows that is not true, but the other part wants to hurt her.

In which I succeed. I can see it, tears grouping in her eyes, her body trembling, her mouth dry from all the unspoken words. My words left cuts and bruises on her skin.

I exploded, and I didn't take down anyone with me. I'm relieved. Caroline is safe and so is Katherine.

But there are pieces of me sticking out of Elena and she's bleeding. I was a freaking walking, talking time bomb and I exploded and now pieces of me are inside of her, making her bleed.

"All that love, it has nowhere to go," Wanda says, even though her voice is distant.

"You already said that the last time we were here," my voice is sharp, it has a cutting edge.

"No," Wanda says, which makes me break my eye contact with Elena to look at the witch, "I think it found some place to go."

She starts going through the books on the table until she finally finds the one she's been looking for. She starts going through it, reading something, and when she's done, she raises her look to us. It's full of shock and fear and.. disbelief.

"Those things you were experiencing, they're not memories," she looks from Elena to me and from me to Elena, "You're creating holes in time."

* * *

**_AN: Yes, I did just leave you with a cliffhanger._**

**_I may be biased because it's my idea, but I think that your otp creating holes in time with their love is pretty damn epic._**


	16. Chapter 16

"You're creating holes in time," Wanda gasps again, her look stilled on us. Her eyes are wandering from me to Elena until she finds a way to catch both of our faces at the same time. Her fingers are squeezing the book she's been flipping through, and her grasp on it is tightening, her knuckles are turning white. She looks a little bit afraid, which is not a good sign. Honestly, it's as bad of a sign as when she keeps grinning at us, telling us she knows something we don't. I can see other things in her look as well, like interest and nature born curiosity. She's fascinated by all this, and I can't say I blame her.

I'm mostly confused. If it were anyone else saying this, I'd think they're on drugs. Maybe Wanda had too much caffeine, though, and she's going to burst out laughing any time now.

Any time now..

But the laughter never comes. Her face is straight serious as she keeps staring at us, all of our faces blank. We know better than to question Wanda, and we believe her, so none of us are questioning her words. She may be a witch gone wild, a little bit too wild, but she's also a professional. The only person who could have helped us. She wouldn't joke about something like this. Plus, her posture indicates that she's dead serious.

None of us say anything, we just keep staring at Wanda, and she keeps staring back. Holes in time? What does that even mean? How can we be creating holes in something that does not have a physical presence? Something we can't touch, something we can't even see?

Once again, I feel obligated to break the silence because I know no one else is going to. "Come again?" I ask, because we need further explanation. She has to have one, if she came up with the thoery in the first place.

My voice seems to shake her from whatever trans or half dream she had found herself in. "You're basically tearing up time," she says, her voice full of fascination and wonder and fear, but that still doesn't explain it so I keep staring at her intently.

I believe all of us do. I can't will myself to look at anyone but Wanda, and I can't feel anyone else looking at me.

"You will have to elaborate on that.." I say confused, in the name of all of us. Honestly, she seems confused as well. She doesn't doubt her theory, she just seems confused with how it's possible. How in the world did this happen.

She shakes her head, clearly displeased by our confusion. The theory must seem pretty simple inside of her head. "No matter how wrong Silas' actions have been, lying to and stringing along one woman so he can be another forever, he did what he did out of love. Love is the most powerful motivator, and when it's taken away from you, it turns into rage and malice. Love usually bares many gifts, but it also gives birth to so much evil," she licks her lips, trying to explain it to us the bast way possible. Clean and simple. I'm starting to think there's no simple explanation to this. "The only reason why witches were able to work with nature in such a vindictive way was because Silas and Amara tried to trick nature. They tried to stay immortal. Nature is usually peaceful, unless until you turn against her. So nature got its revenge, and so did the witches. Versions of Silas and Amara being born over and over and over again, being unable to find each other, allowing Qestiyah to enjoy her victory over them constantly. But, I guess, somewhere along the way, nature decided to break the pact because there were more important things than revenge," she huffs discontentedly, as if she doesn't agree.

"What things?" those two words stumble in rush out of Damon's mouth. I know that voice, he's trying to hide the pain in it, with the way he talks, fast and rough. All of this must be too much for him. He's always been insecure, about everything, never finding himself good enough to do something better than someone else. My brother doesn't know how to appreciate himself, so he rarely gives others a chance to do so. Elena is one of the rare.

I have a feeling I'm hurting him with this, even though it's out of my control. I have a feeling my mere existence is hurting him, and that's the last thing I want to do. After everything that went down between us, I'd never hurt him.

Wanda shrugs. "I don't know, I can't foresee the future. They were chosen for something," she points to Elena and me, "Something only them can stop."

I dare to look in Damon's direction, and he's gripping the table with his fingers, squeezing it like he's trying to bend it. Like it's made out of rubber. "I still don't understand," he says through his teeth, "Why not Katherine if it's about doppelgangers?"

"You weren't paying attention," Wanda rubs her forehead with the tips of her fingers, "Life is a series of choices. Decisions we make mold us as people, make us the people we are now. Doppelgangers are a perfect example that our bodies are just suits that hold our personalities, which are what matters. We fall in love with what's within, not with the face," she exhales desperately, "If it weren't them," she points to us once again, "The nature would keep looking, and what's happening now would happen later. Can't you see?" she's getting angry now, angry at us, angry at Damon, for not understanding. She has to realize, it's not that Damon doesn't understand, it's that he doesn't want to understand. "These two are a perfect match. Their personalities, people they are, the way they love, they just fit into the picture of whatever is going to happen. They're like last two pieces of puzzle, his edges go into her hollows, where she ends, he begins. They're what set things into motion."

No one is sure what things, but no one can be sure anyway. We can't see into the future, we will live it. And apparently, we are going to stop it. We're going to try, at least.

"I'm sorry," Elena says, her voice low. She's been crying, I can tell. She's been crying in silence, hiding it from everyone. "But you still haven't told us how we're tearing time."

Wanda smiles, like that's the juiciest part yet. Like we're going to love it and hate it at the same time. "You," she points a finger at Elena, "Fell in love with someone else. Whenever we fall out of love with someone, we leave behind fragments of that love, and those fragments are stored in time. Something to remember love by, equivalent to a picture or a love letter. You were in such a hurry to do it, though, that you just threw everything away. Not because you don't appreciate it, but because you appreciate it too much," she gives Elena a knowing look, like one friend non verbally telling a secret to another friend, and Elena looks down at the table, avoiding making eye contact with anyone. "And you," she turns her attention to me, "You were in such a hurry to stop loving her that you actually tried to convince yourself that you don't love her anymore. You just pushed everything away. And all that love," she makes a smug expression, "It has to go somewhere."

Damon hisses, "That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard."

Wanda makes a face at him. "Everything has to go somewhere. Every single thing, every feeling, has an appointed place in the world. When love falters, it travels like dust, in grains. Anger, happiness, nervousness, all those feelings, you have to make place for them. You can either accept them, or resolve them, or vent, or wreak them on someone else. Whatever you do, they find their place. But their love never went away, they pushed it away, forcefully, for obvious reasons. It started wandering, lost, because it doesn't belong anywhere."

I knew not loving Elena Gilbert will get me in as much trouble as loving her did.

"So you're saying it's our unwanted love that's creating holes in time?" Elena asks, finally catching the point of this.

Elena usually doesn't spend a lot of time being confused and not wanting to accept things. She tackles them and tries to understand them instead of disregarding them.

"Yes," Wanda nods happily, "With nowhere to go, it became destructive. Love can't control itself, and you can't control it, which is why it's a powerful weapon. Which is why no one tried to tame it. You two, you're a special. Your mere existence is a product of too much love, love that was taken. Which is why it doesn't surprise me that your love holds so much power to do something like this."

I frown. "Does this, us, whatever is happening, have to do something with Silas' clues?" I ask curiously because the whole thing is still a little bit blurry.

"Marvelous question," Wanda chippers, "Yes, it does indeed!" she releases the book and it falls on the table, "All Silas wants to do is, basically, be with the woman he loves. Since the cure is gone, and he is immortal, he was obviously searching for another way. Remember how I told you the only way for him to be with her is to go back in time and undo the spell witches did?"

All of us nod, except Elena who exclaims, "Oh my God!"

Wanda smiles in her direction.

Did I miss something?

"It's us," she says quietly, like she's still trying to work it out. "His clues. The answers to it are doppelgangers and love," I look at her only to catch her already looking at me, "We're doppelgangers, and our love is causing this. He will use us to get to her," she keeps her eyes locked on mine and I have a feeling she's telling me this, only me, like no one else is present. Then she tears her look away and shifts her attention to Wanda. "But how?" she frowns.

Wanda shrugs sadly. "I don't know. I don't know has he even figured it out. He will, though, with time. But," she looks at us intently, like she's a story teller telling us to listen carefully because this is important, "It's sucking you in, you two. Time. That's what your little trips are all about. They're not your memories, you're basically traveling through time. You're falling through those holes, and it's only a matter of time before they spread and start sucking other people in."

"If all Silas wants is her, why not simply let him go in time and undo the event?" Caroline asks.

She has a good point, it's not like he wants to do something actually bad. He just wants his love back.

But Wanda shakes her head furiously. "She doesn't belong here, there's no room for her in this world. It would be different if she died recently, but it's been too much time. Plus, we don't know what would actually happen if he jumped through time."

"But we have to stop it?" Elena asks.

Wanda nods. "I have to do more research, but these holes keep stretching with time. You will start falling in them them more often and for a longer time, and when they stretch enough, you will bring other people with you. One day, you might not find your way out. None of us will," her eyes grow wide at the possibility of it, "People will get stuck at different periods of their life, coexisting with their past selves. You're creating a hole in the world, and one day that hole will grow so big it will suck the whole world in."

I can hear Katherine suck her breath in.

The whole room atmosphere became awkward.

"How do we stop it?" I ask because, if these might be the repercussions, we have to do it. This is all our fault, even if we never meant for it to happen.

"I do not know for now. I'll have to do more research," Wanda already seems preoccupied by the thought. She won't get any sleep soon.

"Where is it, though?" Elena asks, surprising us all, even Wanda. "You said there are holes, right? So where are they?"

Wanda furrows her brows. She finds the question intriguing, but she's also mad because she doesn't have an answer to it. "I'm not sure they're actually visible, but.." her face relaxes, "There must be a power source. It can be literally anywhere, but it makes sense for it to be connected to you. Can you think of anything?" she asks us.

"Do they have to be important places?" she asks.

"Yes and no," Wanda makes a face, "They can be marked by either big or small events. It can be something as simple as a kiss, or where you were when you realized you're in love for the first time."

Silence overpowers us as we think about her words.

"There are just so many places.." I say. Too many.

She looks at us compassionately.

When there's nothing more to say or ask or discover, we leave. We exit the house in silence and walk down the car. When we surround it, we look at each other. All of us. There are things that need to be said, but none of us can find words.

Silence is too big and too uncomfortable.

"So," Caroline says happily and loudly, "Is there a Starbucks near?"

* * *

**_AN: I hope this explains the discoveries made in the previous chapter :)_**


	17. Chapter 17

We drove downtown to the nearest Starbucks where Caroline bought four cups of coffee. There is a brown, cardboard plate with four holes and three plastic cups in it on her lap, while the fourth one is in her hand, somehow always hovering near her lips. She is drinking it idly, humming silently, with the car window down. She looks satisfied, almost happy, and I am happy for her because it is an improvement from several hours ago, when she was still mourning Tyler's leave. I hope this smile on her face is not just temporary because, sooner or later, Tyler will be back. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week, maybe longer, he will come back for a visit.

I wish happiness and easy state of mind is contagious because I would really love to catch some from Caroline. My mind is a jungle of thoughts, a playground for emotions I never thought I'll have to deal with. Wanda's theory still seems surreal. And impossible. And plain crazy.

I never thought I'll ever love someone so much that pushing that love away would cause a ripple in time. Maybe time's a very fragile thing, though that seems unlikely. No one ever found a way to mess with time, which makes time the most powerful concept in the world. Still, we did it, unknowingly. Without even trying to, and surely without wanting to.

I hope Wanda is wrong because I'm too tired to be dealing with this, and with everything that comes with it. But Wanda is hardly ever wrong, so I doubt she's wrong about this. She seemed so sure. Shaken by it, but sure in it.

I feel like I'm guilty of something. Of loving her too much and not loving her enough at the same time. I should have been stronger. I should have dealt with my emotions instead of pushing them away, pretending they don't exist simply because _we_ don't exist anymore. If I weren't so foolish, so stubborn, so _angry_ and deceitful, then maybe none of this would be happening. Her love alone wouldn't be able to cause so much damage.

Funny, I've been thinking how our love wasn't enough, when in reality our love is destroying the world. Or what's left of our love. Those small fragments, flying around like sharp edges of a double pointed sword, tearing up something no one thinks is possible to break.

How can time break? How can there be holes in it? Time should be indestructible, it should be able to bare everything. Those fragments should be able to bounce right off of it and fly away, into the void, darkness and silence, where they belong. Where forgotten things go when everyone refuse to remember them.

It sounds like a love story gone incredibly wrong, or right, like one of those love stories everyone have heard of, everyone know by memory. Tales of two people whom destiny marked with tragedy. I'm pretty sure the universe wanted those stories to serve as a cautionary tale, not something people ascend to.

We're one of those tales. But we're also the opposite of it, because when it ends, there will be no people to carry our story on. We're not only marked with tragedy, but utter destruction. Maybe that's where our tragedy lies - we were doomed from the very beginning.

"Soooo," Damon prolongs that one, small word as much as possible to gather our attention, "What's the plan?"

No one says a thing. Katherine is clearly uncomfortable, Elena is looking through the window, her expression hard and unreadable.

Caroline furrows her brows, unhappy someone pulled her out of her peaceful place. "Plan?" she asks as if she forgot today's discoveries.

She knows no one has a plan because things haven't quite sink in yet.

"Well, I for one am for this planet staying where it is, instead of getting sucked into a giant time hole, so yeah, plan," he barks at Caroline, but she doesn't seem to mind. She learned how to tune Damon out a long time ago.

"We don't have a plan, yet," I say.

Damon wiggles his lips uncomfortably. "How about this," he leans forward, but only a little, "The two of you get back together, your love goes back in place. The world is safe, everyone are happy," he swallows the word _everyone_.

I can see Elena whip her head towards him in the rear view mirror. He's pretending he can't feel her look boring into his skin, making holes in it, burning like fire, like sun touching your cheek. He's overreacting, he's letting his insecurities lead him through this.

"I don't think that would work, Damon," I say sympathetically because, knowing my brother, he has no idea how to deal with this.

"And why not?" he spits at me, probably blaming everything on me.

"Because you can't will yourself to love someone," I raise my voice unintentionally, and Elena looks at me with the corner of her eye, "Once you let love go, you can't conjure it back."

After a while Damon leans back into his seat and Elena goes back to looking through the car window. Silence. The only thing any of us can hear is Caroline sipping her coffee.

In few minutes I can hear Elena say _uh, oh_ behind me.

"Someone better take the wheel," I say, "I'll be gone in a few."

* * *

_**ELENA'S POV**_

_Our trip seems longer this time. The earth keeps shaking for a minute, when it usually lasts for just few seconds. Light seems brighter, and it takes longer for it to disappear. I try to open my eyes to see where we are, to see if we're actually falling through holes and does time have a physical presence, but when I try to open my eyes a sharp pain flashes before them. I feel like someone is trying to burn my eyes out of their sockets and I have to close them immediately._

_I feel as light as a feather, like I'm floating through air, until I feel something pulling me down, someones hands around my ankles, but they're also light, their touch almost non existent. Like air found a way to form a hand and wrap its fingers around my ankles._

_Finally, I can feel the ground beneath my feet. I open my eyes and notice Stefan standing in front of me, rubbing his eyes with closed fists. I guess he tried to do the same thing I did, and now there's an uncomfortable sting in his sockets._

_I look around myself. We're standing in the middle of some kind of a sward. The grass is mowed down nicely, but there's no path anywhere. Lines and lines of trees are surrounding us from our left and right. I can see some hills far, far behind our backs. I guess this sward goes further than our eyes can reach. I look in the other direction and notice a house looming a mile away. It looks more like a mansion than an ordinary house. This must be some kind of an estate owned by someone incredulously rich, judging by the size of it._

_It's sunset. There's the sun, trying to hide itself behind the mansions roof, making it look like it's on fire._

_I don't recognize this place. I have never been here, as far as I can remember._

_Until now, we were always falling through time into some distant memory both of us share. Something we have experienced together. But we haven't been here, Stefan and me, or I would have remembered. This place looks too beautiful to forget. Has it already started happening, what Wanda told us about? Are other people falling through time as well, somehow pulling us in?_

_Why us? Why both of us? Why not someone else? I don't know the rules to this game, or how this is supposed to work. I try not to think too much about it because, when I tried to, it started driving me crazy._

_"I don't recognize this place," I mumble under my breath, thinking aloud, trying to put the pieces of this puzzle together._

_I don't see anyone else near, and house is too far away to spot any movement._

_"I do," the sound of Stefan's voice surprises me, since I almost forgot he's there._

_But that's not what startles me, the proximity of it does. The last time I saw him he was standing few feet away from me, and now when I turn around to face him I almost bump into his chest._

_He doesn't seem to notice, though, he is staring in the direction of the house, his eyes showing recognition and some other feeling I cannot place._

_"Where are we?" I ask, taking a step back, slowly ,so he doesn't notice how uncomfortable our closeness makes me. And hot. A lot._

_"Mystic Falls," he answers almost immediately._

_I frown. I look around myself, then take another look towards the house, turning my back to him. This isn't Mystic Falls. It can't be. I've been living there my whole life, and if there were a place like this, I'd recognize it. I'd have to see it. It's too big to miss, or hide. But it doesn't even ring a bell._

_"This is where I used to live," he whispers, his throat contracting as those words try to crawl out._

_I spin around to look at him, but he's already walking in the direction of the house, so I get a nice view of his back. I hurry to catch up with him._

_"We're in 1864?" I ask mortified. We're far, far away from home._

_He just nods, his eyes growing with every step we make. He's anxious, he's sad, he's excited, he's everything I'm not and can't be at the moment. He's where he belongs, where he should have lived and died, and I'm far away from my time._

_"I guess Wanda was right, we're falling deeper in time," he says softly, but I can tell he's reciting these words by memory. Probably something he thought of few minutes ago, before all the feelings came rushing back at him._

_It makes sense, though, especially with everything lasting longer than usual._

_"Why am I here?" I ask, panic evident in my voice._

_He frowns. I guess my words were able to shake him from whatever trans he had found himself in. He looks at me with a confused expression on his face._

_"I have no recollection of this time," I point out, "This is not my past. This is not even my timeline. So how did I get here?" I believe my question is valid because this is like walking on the path even when it ends. Or before it even starts._

_He shifts his attention back to the house and shrugs, "I don't know."_

_I accept his answer lightly. Too lightly. Maybe because I know he's as confused as I am, but more affected by this._

_This is his home, in true sense of the word._

_The grass is tickling my skin, it's reaching all the way to my ankles, making me giggle internally. We're walking towards the house in silence, his eyes watching the building intently, even though it's still too far to see anything. It looks like a massive, white square with a roof that looks like it's on fire and two proud chimneys extending high above the house. The lawn seems endless and after ten minutes of walking I've been able to convince myself that as we're walking towards the house, the house is moving further back._

_I don't complain, though, the air is fresh and the breeze cool on my skin. I can smell lavender in the air, it's everywhere around me, bathing my skin. What's left of the sun is keeping my exposed skin warm. It's a good thing no one can see me, my dress would be frowned upon back in the days._

_It's beautiful here, I can see why someone would want to live here. I can see myself spending my human life here, in a beautiful house, surrounded by miles and miles of free lawn to have picnics on, take long walks, for children to play on, filling my nostrils with a pleasant smell of lavender and sunshine. Winters are probably pleasant here as well._

_I wonder did Stefan think about this when he was a human, about spending the rest of his life on this estate, building a life, a family here. We used to often talk about this, but mostly about my dreams, back when they were possible. About choices and possibilities. I know he wanted to be a doctor, but he never said anything else, and I never asked because I thought that topic might be too painful for him. I often allowed myself to get lost in girly fantasies, where he becomes a human and we spend the rest of our lives together, which answered a lot of my questions. Yes, I want to marry. Yes, I want to have a career. Yes, I want to have children. Or maybe those were the things I wanted with him, one day, in some other life, or the life before that one. Maybe if I were born at the same time he was, destiny would bring us together and we would fall in love and have all these things. Things I can see right now, walking over this lawn. Picnics and brunches and parties and long walks during the sunset and kisses in the rain a children running wild, plucking daisies._

_I shake my head to ward myself from further inappropriate and impossible thoughts._

_We're closer now. I remember when Stefan took me to the ruins of his old house, deep into the woods. I can't believe this is that place. I can see the house clearly now. It's bigger than any present house in Mystic Falls, except maybe the boarding house Salvatore's live in now. Now when the roof doesn't look like it's on fire I can see that it's gray, and the shudders are blue. There are four big, white pillows, supporting the roof over the front porch, keeping it in pleasant shade._

_There are bushes in various shapes, mostly squares and cylinders, guarding the house. There's an earthy path in front of the porch, and not far from it there's a carriage with two black horses attached to it._

_I lose my breath over the sight of it and in the moment I find proper words to express how admirable the house is, Stefan comes to a halt. I stop as well, shifting my attention from the house to him, but he's staring at something, wide eyed. I follow the direction of his look which is when I notice movement in front of the house. I concentrate, trying to see who it is, if it's anyone I might now._

_I recognize one figure right away. It's Katherine. The one person is standing with their back turned to us, but I can see it's a male._

_Katherine is wearing her hair tucked under the big, beige hat, decorated with some colorful, artificial flowers. Her dress looks stunning, but it's squeezing around her waist so tightly that if she were human, she would lose air._

_It's low cut, her bosom heaving. No surprise there. I guess she's always been seductive, dressing provocatively for her time._

_She walks past by the other person and he turns around after her and I recognize him immediately. Stefan._

_Stefan stands there, buried in place, watching a memory unfold before his eyes. This is all new to me, so I'm naturally curious._

_I walk closer, I want to see them better, I want to see him better._

_I come closer, just few feet away from them, and stop myself. Katherine is walking slowly away from him, and he seems mesmerized by her mere existence._

_I am standing between two men, two same men, but they're completely different._

_I gasp as I absorb every line of human Stefan's face. He's so beautiful, almost too beautiful to look at, in all the ways a boy shouldn't be beautiful. His hair is light, natural, a little bit untamed. It reminds me of how wind carries grains of sand during a storm. I haven't ever seen Stefan with a hair this long. He looks young, in a way a 17 year boy should look young, not with 160 years standing between him and the person he should be. Somehow, his lips look softer, and the lines of his face are not as hard as they're now. And his eyes.. they're glowing, as lucky as a four leaf clover._

_I guess the biggest difference is in the way he holds himself. He's so relaxed, with his hands clasped behind his back, completely mesmerized by this girl in front of him that if there was a horse coming in his direction he probably wouldn't notice it. He's so unaware of danger, his mind set on just one thing._

_He's radiating with happiness._

_Finally, he moves and I smile, unaware, thinking he's moving towards me. I feel like I'm 16 and this incredibly cute boy is walking in my direction, wanting to talk to me, and I can feel myself flush. But I'm not 16, and this boy doesn't exist anymore, and he can't see me because this is not my time._

_Katherine is smiling at him, with her most charming smile, I'm sure._

_I want to kill her. I want to drive a stake through her heart before she gets a chance to hurt him. I want to rip her head off, set her on fire, I want to do things to her that I'm afraid to say out loud for doing this to him. I want to protect him, keep him like this forever, give him all the things that he probably thinks he's going to have with her._

_I want him to keep his innocence and his glow even if that means I'd never meet him._

_"You're rapturous in every aspect of your existence, Miss Pierce," human Stefan smiles at Katherine widely, making her grin grow wider._

_There's a glint in her eyes, one that means she's up to no good. "I bet you say that to all the girls," her voice is soft._

_"Ah," he says, then grasps for air, "You very well know that you're the only woman in my life," he talks sweetly._

_I can see her expression becoming serious, like she's affected by his words, only for a second, before she straightens herself out and smiles back at him. Katherine is either a really good actress, or she was really falling in love with him._

_They continue walking down the path, and I follow them with my look._

_"That was while Damon was away, in army," I can hear Stefan's voice behind my back._

_Army? Damon was in army?_

_Stefan used to talk a lot about his past. Not about the events, because those were unpleasant, but the person he was, what he did, what he enjoyed, what his interests were. Damon never talks._

_I turn to him, my face all flustered. He must notice it because he smiles before he says, "I know what you're thinking, how you got a shabby version of myself."_

_I flush, embarrassed that my fascination with him as a human is so obvious in my expression._

_The thing is, as much as human Stefan is beautiful, he's not beautiful in all the ways my Stefan is._

_I flush some more because of referring to him as **my** Stefan, when I gave up that right long time ago._

_"Not at all," I try to regain my posture, finding it hard to do so while he's looking at me like that, while I'm realizing the look in his eyes hasn't changed, all those years. It still glows. "You're very different, but you're still you."_

_He keeps looking at me for a while, until he finally says, "Come, let me show you around."_

_We enter the house, and I fall in love with what I see. The furniture is old, but it's not predated, it fits right in place. It's not tacky, or showy, it's very sophisticated and rich. The house seems bigger from the inside than from the outside, I could get lost in here pretty easily. He shows me his old room, which somehow reminds me of his current room._

_It's full of memories. I guess Stefan always cherished them, like he knew one day he will be losing it all, one way or another._

_The house smells of cooking. Judging by the time, it will probably be time for supper soon._

_I ask Stefan can he show me the town when we're done with the tour, and he tells me town is almost an hour away by foot, and since we don't know how long we're staying here, he doesn't know will we make it._

_We decide to risk it and start walking towards the town. We walk in silence, and night falls over us. It's dark, and the woods surrounding us seem spooky and unpleasant. Too much noise._

_I'm starting to get cold. He says he's sorry he doesn't have a jacket to give me when he notices goosebumps on my skin. I nod politely, saying thank you silently, almost through a whisper._

_We do arrive in town but it's too dark to see anything. I have to squint and come very close as he starts showing me where everything is, comparing it with places in our version of Mystic Falls._

_We walk through the whole town, and it's still not time to go home. I wonder who, or what, decides when it's time for us to go home. And can they throw in a blanket._

_When there's nothing else to do, we sit on the edge of the town and start counting stars._

_"Can I ask you something?" my question comes suddenly._

_He nods._

_"What do you think about this whole thing?"_

_After few seconds of keeping it together, he chuckles. "Honestly, I'm trying not to think about it, because when I do, I feel like I'm going crazy."_

_I crack a smile. "I know how you feel."_

_"I never thought such thing is possible, though," he goes back to being serious._

_"Neither did I," I confess, because you never actually think about it, when you stop loving someone. You never think that not loving someone is dangerous, it's always the other way around._

_Love is a weakness, not the lack of it. Or maybe everyone are wrong. Maybe both are weaknesses._

_I never did stop loving Stefan, thought, I simply fell out of love with him._

_"I guess we did a pretty foolish thing," he says, referring to our actions, no matter how unaware of them we were._

_"But, who would have guessed, right?"_

_"Yeah."_

_We're rambling, but we understand each other perfectly._

_I let myself fall on the grass, letting him know that there's nothing more to say, at least not from my side._

_I look at him, and he's looking at the sky. He has his arms wrapped around his knees which are up in the air. There's stardust in his hair and the moon is reflecting in his eyes._

_The corners of his lips are going up, I swear, even though he has no reason to smile._

_I remember human Stefan, and the way he smiled, almost the same, just a little bit more obvious. Unashamed. Like he doesn't feel guilty for smiling, for being happy._

_I could fall in love with that boy, just by looking at him._

_I blink and his image disappears, Stefan reappearing in front of my eyes again._

_I feel like I already am._

* * *

**_AN: I thought about Silas consuming Katherine, since she's the one who had a cure, like they did in the show, but to me, that seemed like recycling Elena's season 2 storyline, so I opted for something else. Something a little bit more.. romantic ;)_**

**_Thank you for your lovely reviews and I hope you're still enjoying this! xoxo_**


	18. Chapter 18

When we wake up we're already home and the sun is rising. This time, we've been out of it much longer than the previous times, which makes sense since, usually, we're trapped in time for few minutes and, now, hours were in question. So we woke up almost a day later, feeling dizzy, our eyesight hazy. We were confused and disoriented, which made me wonder how dangerous this jumping through time holes really is and will we bare any consequences? Will they become visible? How much time have we left?

Before I get a chance to say anything, Elena is rushing towards the bathroom. She slams the door loudly, the sound buzzing in my ears from too much pressure. I can hear the key turn in the lock a moment later. Upstairs, Katherine stirs in my bed, but she doesn't wake up.

I rub my eyes with my knuckles, seeing light spots before my eyes when I remove my hands away. They disappear shortly afterwards and I start towards the living room where I find Caroline sitting on the sofa, surrounded by new cups of coffee, most of them empty, browsing a book in her lap.

I can tell that she's not paying any attention, she's too distracted by her own thoughts. She notices when I come into the room, "Good morning, sleeping beauty," she grins, moving a pile of books next to her so I can assume that position. My body slumps on the couch. I feel incredibly tired even though I practically slept for almost 24 hours.

"Where's Elena?" Caroline throws the book from her lap onto the pile she had moved to the floor.

The sound of the doors slamming shut is still buzzing inside of my ears. I recall the look on her face. She looked like she feels out of place. Startled, even.

"I think she needs some time alone," I carefully pick my response.

I think Caroline takes this the wrong way because she cocks her eyebrow at me, "Did something happen?"

"No, no," I say defensively, maybe even too defensively. We shared a weird, private moment. It felt personal. It felt like something no one else but us would understand. I want to keep it to myself. "This time jumping, or whatever it is, is exhausting, and confusing. She just needs to sort herself out."

This answer seems to satisfy Caroline because her expression goes back to normal. "Where did you go this time, anyway?" she hums curiously.

I throw my palms over my face to shield my eyes from the light, because it hurts. My whole body hurts. I feel like I'm falling apart, like I left some essential part of me back in time. Part without which I cannot function. "This time," I murmur through my fingers, "We went way back. 1864, my time."

"No way!" she exclaims rapidly, sounding way too excited about this. "How was it?"

I drop my hands from my face. "Awkward. Uncomfortable. Weird. You name it."

_Special. Nice. Amazing. Breathtaking. Something I never thought I will have a chance to show her. A side of me I never thought she will be able to see._ Those are all the things I choose not to say.

She makes a face at me, but it also makes her drop the subject.

She leans back and sinks her body into the sofa supporter, reaching for a cup of coffee which is resting on the table by her side.

Sometimes I think she drinks so much coffee because there's something inside of her that she wants to drown.

"Care," I call her by her nickname, my voice is careful, hushed, but also pleasant and warm, "How are you feeling?"

She looks at me, her expression conveying surprise, "Oh, I'm just grand," she says before taking another sip.

She's not trying to be sarcastic, she's trying to give me an honest answer, or the one she's trying to convince herself into believing. I tear down her walls and she's shivering. "It's okay to be sad."

"I'm tired of being sad," she says through an exhale. Then, she takes her look away from me, and the next time she speaks, her voice is teary, "I have a feeling if I allow myself the luxury of being sad, I won't be able to stop."

"Caroline.." I say her name sympathetically, trying to make her look at me, but she refuses.

"I'm so tired of saying goodbye. Every time he leaves something inside of me cracks. He takes a part of me with him and I'm afraid that one day there won't be anything left to take. One day, I'll just cease to exist, I'll fall into ashes and get lost in the wind. Most of all, I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of being lonely and feeling unneeded, unwanted, unloved. Like I'm just a stop along the way, nothing else.."

Tears invade her eyes as she looks at me, gasping for air she doesn't even need, "Why do people we love forget to love us back?" her voice sounds so desperate, so lost.

My throat contracts. "I don't know," is all I say, because I'm looking for the same answer myself, and I wish I have it by now so I can share it with her.

She keeps looking at me for few moments, like she's disappointed in me because I don't have an answer to the question she's looking for, then presses her palms on her eyes to stop the tears from flowing out further. "I just don't understand why I keep doing this to myself, letting him treat me like this."

"Because you love him," I give her the most obvious answer ever. For someone who lived for such a long time I don't have much wisdom in me as people would expect.

She shakes her head. "That's no excuse. Love is too easily to blame."

"If it hurts so much, why don't you end things?"

She chuckles. "Because when he is here, when he decides I'm worthy of his time, it feels like time has stopped, for just the two of us. Like the moment we're sharing is endless. He tells me he's going to leave, but I miss it. It hits me when he's already gone."

Maybe love is too easily to blame, but it sure makes fools of us all.

"Do you regret it?" she tackles me with her question and I already know I'm unprepared for it, "The way things ended between you and Elena?"

After some time I choose to answer honestly, "All the time. You know what bugs me the most?" I ask, and she looks at me quizzically, telling me she has no idea. "The fact that I don't remember our last kiss, or hug, or last anything for that matter. Sometimes I think I've got it, sometimes I'm sure I do, but then I remember there was one more afterwards and they seem endless," I swallow hard, the liquid in my mouth sour and unpleasant, like these words I'm saying. I guess I would give anything to know, to remember, or to have one more kiss or hug or anything, just so I can say _yeah, that one was the last_. "That's what I regret the most - not remembering that last moment while we were still _we_."

Just one more.

* * *

_**CAROLINE'S POV**_

_"Hey, Elena, do you know wh - " I come out of the bathroom into our dorm room, wanting to ask her has she seen my curling iron, but instead, I'm at the loss of words. I furrow my brows at the sight of her sitting on her bed, with legs crossed, writing, her eyes wide and she's in shock like I just caught her doing something illegal. "Is that your diary?" I tighten the fuzzy, pink towel around my body so it doesn't fall down._

_I haven't seen her in this position for quite some while. Years, to be exact. She's wearing old sweatpants and a loose tank top, pages of her diary protected by a thick, brown, leather case sitting in the dense of her crossed legs. She lifted her pen to her mouth when I walked in, the top is hovering near the corner of her lip. She lowers her head down, obviously ashamed, murmuring a silent yeah._

_"I thought you burned that thing with the rest of your house," I tease to make her feel less awkward. I work in mysterious ways._

_I get a smile out of her. "This is a new one," she rolls her eyes, then adds, "Obviously."_

_I walk towards her and sit on the edge of her bed, wrapping my fingers around the hem of my towel. "Gosh, I haven't seen you writing for the longest time, ever since - " I stop myself when I remember the last time I've seen her writing in her diary. She used to carry that thing everywhere with her. I never understood it, thought it was tacky and cheesy and was glad to see it gone._

_"Since my parents died," she finishes the sentence for me, the one I felt too uncomfortable with finishing._

_"Right," I nod my head affirmatively, even though I can't stop thinking about when exactly did she stop writing in it. I just know that one day, she stopped carrying it around with her, so I choose to ask. "What made you stop writing in it in the first place?"_

_She purses her lips and at first I think she doesn't want to answer because my question is too nosy, but when she answers I realize she's been too uncomfortable at first. "I think it was Stefan," I can't ignore the gentle way in which she says his name so I make a mental note, "I felt like I could tell him everything, so I did. There was no reason to write it down anymore."_

_I always knew Stefan was important to Elena in a much more relevant way than most boys were important to 17 year old girls, but I don't think that, until now, I've realized just how important. Especially at the time they met._

_"And now you feel like you don't have anyone to talk to? Again?" I ask, trying not to sound hurt, because I thought she can talk to me. But then again, lately, she wasn't my shoulder to cry on either. I guess Elena and me were never that kind of friends, that position in her life was always occupied by Bonnie. I was Caroline, the fun friend, with fascinating stories and booze and parties and trips to the mall._

_Her throat contracts, probably sensing what I'm feeling at the moment. "Lately, you were there for Stefan, a lot," she emphasizes the last word, even though I have no idea what she's getting at, "And it just didn't feel right to take you away from him. And Damon," she sighs exasperatedly, "Well, Damon was never the one to talk to."_

_"Why?" I ask out of sheer curiosity, and she's quick to answer._

_"I guess I never felt like he understands me," she makes a face, probably already feeling the guilt of saying those words out loud, "He listens, and he nods, but I don't think he actually hears me, you know?"_

_I nod affirmatively, even though I do not know. I do not know how it is to be in a relationship with someone with whom you're not at the same wavelength._

_"You know, you could always talk to Stefan," her eyes go wide at my words, like I proposed something illicit, "I'm sure he wouldn't mind."_

_She doesn't say anything, just keeps staring at me, and after some time I understand why. It would be like cheating, on an emotional level, which is sometimes worse than cheating on someone physically._

_Still, writing in her diary can't be that effective. Last time, she was writing in it for months, and it didn't help. What, or better yet, who, helped her, was Stefan._

_This way, she gets the words out, but no one hears them. It's like screaming into the void. I wonder can she hear an echo? Do words come rushing back at her, like a boomerang, creating an opposite effect of the one she wanted. Because when they come back, I'm sure they're louder than they were before._

_"So," I say when she silence goes on for too long, "What are you writing about?" I can't let her do this to herself._

_After some hesitation, she answers me. "How we managed to miss that our best friend is dead."_

_Ouch._

_We're guilty of it, though, and we're going to carry that guilt inside of us until the end of the time. We're also going to carry tears we didn't shed, because there's just too many of them. Wanda said there's no way to bring back a dead witch, but we're not giving up. I've been researching, even though Jeremy is doing the most of the work._

_Unfortunately, the only thing we can do is wait, and hope we will find the solution._

_And when we do, I'm not letting Bonnie Bennett out of my sight ever again._

_"And about what's been happening to Stefan and me," she continues, judging by her expression, it's obvious that she's disturbed by it._

_"He mentioned it's been - "_

_"Nostalgic?" she offers._

_I frown. "Tense," I finish my sentence the way I intended to, but she sparks my interest, so I ask, "Nostalgic?"_

_"Well, yeah," she says calmly, but I can see the panic beginning to rise in her eyes, "All those moments. All those memories. The way I got to see things as a bystander. It's weird, but it's also kind of.. amazing."_

_Now, that's one word Stefan never used, so I wonder has he been holding out on me?_

_"Sometimes I wonder why I'm with Damon," she says bluntly, suddenly._

_I lock my eyes on hers, my pupils dilating, my eyes going wide. She looks like she can't believe she had said this out loud._

_I also wonder why she's with Damon all the time, but.. "Why?" One day, my curiosity is going to be the end of me._

_"Because he's not - " she stops herself, and I wonder what she was about to say. There are so many possibilities. Instead, she chooses to express herself differently, "With him, it doesn't feel like I'm on a one way ride. It feels like I'll be coming back."_

_She says and, strangely, her words make sense. That's the same way I felt with Matt. I wanted him. I got him. I enjoyed him. I was right where I wanted, and needed, to be. But I also knew that it will end. And it made me feel uncomfortable, because the only thing I could think about was, when?_

_"It doesn't feel like it felt with Stefan," she blushes in a way I've never seen Elena Gilbert blush, "I think it's never going to feel like it felt with Stefan, not with anyone else."_

_I've been rooting for these two for so long, but now, hearing her say this, I wish she would take it back. "You made your choice, Elena. You chose Damon."_

_She can't do this to Stefan, not again, not when he finally started moving on. I can feel it, him letting her go, slowly, gradually. He will never stop loving her, but I can feel him getting accustomed to not having her in his life the way he used to._

_"I know! And I make no regrets!" she defends herself, "I chose him because I felt like I should choose him. Because I wanted to be with him, because I was in love with him," she sucks in some air through her teeth, "I mean, I am in love with him."_

_I look at her sympathetically because she reminds me of me. Her head is full of her voice, keeping I am in love with him on repeat, just like mine is full of I am not falling apart._

_"Elena, there's a world of difference between was and am."_

_She flushes, ashamed expression painting her face, guilt surging through her body. "I know," she nods, "I just need to figure things out. As much as spending those moments, that experience with Stefan, had made me see him in an old and new light at the same time, this isn't about him. This is about Damon, and how our relationship is.." she tries to find the right words, "Different from what I think a relationship should be. Even if we broke up right this instant, I wouldn't want to get back together with Stefan anyway."_

_"But?" I ask, because there's always a but coming._

_"But, Stefan is just.. Stefan."_

_I don't think people realize how most important discoveries are fairly simple. Like Stefan is just Stefan. It's so simple that you could miss it if you're not paying attention. Elena is just Elena, and Stefan is just Stefan, and it's beautiful how simple it is. How clear. It's standing right in front of them, mocking them because they're trying to figure it out through logic and riddles._

_There's no logic in love._

_Stefan is just Stefan and that's more than enough._

_Just as I'm about to say something, her phone rings. She answers it, but keeps using one word sentences, until, finally, her eyes go wide and sparkle with nervousness and curiosity._

_"We'll be right there," she says in the phone moment before she hangs up and shifts her attention back to me, "Get dressed. Jeremy says Bonnie thinks she knows a way to find that energy source Wanda has been talking about."_

* * *

**_AN: My apologies for not updating as fast as I usually do, I was busy. I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Also, thank you for your lovely reviews xoxo_**


	19. Chapter 19

It doesn't take us long, after hearing what Bonnie has to say, to hop back in the car and ride back to Atlanta. By now, I don't even see the point in coming back to Mystic Falls, when we leave back for Atlanta every time just shortly after we arrive home.

I must say, I miss hearing Bonnie's voice. While alive, she was being used as a walking, talking, witch cookbook. Everyone always demanded solutions from her, forgetting that she's new at this, forgetting that first and foremost, she's just a girl who wants what all girls want. But, she loved magic, you could hear it in her voice, in the way she talked. She was proud of what she is, and of the power she holds. Of the potential brewing inside of her. She was working on herself and her skills everyday, altering herself into someone more powerful. I'm surprised she never demanded more respect, because with that power she could have easily gotten it. But, Bonnie wasn't.. Bonnie _isn't_ the kind of a person who would force others to respect her. Hearing Jeremy talk, using her words, it was exhausting. It sounded monotonous. I guess I miss that, the passion in her voice while telling us about a new discovery she had made.

There's a spell which is able to manipulate time. Apparently, through the centuries, when things got lost in time, like magical objects witches couldn't locate because it was out of their period, they would manipulate time, sending themselves back, spiritually, not physically, in order to find whatever they're looking for. Bonnie told us it's a long shot, but that it's worth to try, and when we proposed the idea to Wanda, she agreed. There's no guarantee that the spell will work, but it's worth a shot.

Of course, first she started slamming her palm onto her forehead, silently repeating _why didn't I think of that sooner_? Her eyes are bloody, indicating she hasn't slept much in these last few days. Or washed her hair, judging by the looks of it.

Unfortunately, that spell evades Wanda's magic skills. Sometimes I forget she's only a half witch now, a lot of words, very little power. So she summoned another witch to help us with the spell. A warlock, actually. I guess not everyone care about her past, or maybe some people are just more forgiving than the others.

Unlike Caroline, who snickered when he warlock came in, I'm not really interested in how forgiving.

Now, Elena and me are lying on the sofas in Wanda's living room, across from each other, calm, with our eyes closed, trying to cleanse our minds of any thoughts, as instructed. Not thinking about anything is much harder than I thought it would be. The warlock is standing between us, his arms outstretched, his palms hanging over our bodies. His eyes are closed as well. I might have sneaked a peek after being instructed to keep my eyes closed. He is chanting something in Latin, slowly and silently. He's emphasizing some words by raising his voice as he pronounces them. I have no idea what he's saying, my Latin is a little rusty, or it's never been that good to begin with, but I can tell he has repeated the same chant for several times now. Maybe he has to keep doing it until we float away.

We're lying there for several minutes now already, and I'm starting to get nervous and annoyed. I don't think this is working. Maybe our minds aren't empty enough, or maybe the spell doesn't work on vampires. It could be a number of things. It's not like this spell is often used, since time manipulation is a very dangerous thing and has to be handled with care.

Just as I'm ready to sigh to prove my point, and maybe even voice my concerns, I can feel it. The ground beneath us is moving. It's rocking us, but not as forcefully as when we travel in time naturally. I also don't feel like something is pulling us in, but rather like something is pushing us in. The light is there as well, but this time, it comes as a quick flash.

When I open my eyes, I'm surrounded by darkness.

It's night, a chilly one. I can feel the cold breeze coating my skin, making the hair on my arms stand straight. I can hear the water, flowing, murmuring, mixing with the wind. The leaves are making a strange noise, it's like they're screaming as the wind tears them off of their branches.

There are trees everywhere.

We're standing in the middle of the road, both present and past us.

No. It can't be. Not this moment. It makes no sense.

I can feel Elena stiffen beside me, like she's thinking the same.

The night that I threatened Elena to drive her off the bridge. When I used her as a plot device to make Klaus miserable, like he made me miserable.

Nothing could make me more miserable than the way she looked at me at that moment. Like she doesn't know me. Like someone stole my face, because there's no way I could be doing such an awful thing. But I did.

Or maybe what made me so miserable is when I heard my voice, so cold and detached.

And maybe, I was already so miserable to begin with, I just didn't notice.

There are tire marks on the pavement. She is yelling at me, with full right. Tears are running down her face. I remember the moment she turned around to face me, I remember how something broke inside of me. And I thought there was nothing left to break.

I want to tune them out, to tune _us_ out, but it's hard to do so when you know every word by memory. When you remember how every letter sounded, hitting your eardrums, making your brain pop.

I want to turn around, but I don't want her to think I can't face it. That I can't face my own mistakes. I was never good at those. Running away was always my solution.

No more running.

After this night, I stopped. I just _stopped_. Drinking human blood. Focusing on Klaus. Because of her, because of the disappointment in her eyes. She never used to look at me like that, I made sure of that. I always treated her like I wanted to be treated myself, with respect others failed to treat me with because I was weak, always making sure she has a choice because I never had one. Now she has too many choices and I wonder did I do more wrong than good.

No, I watched her grow into her own person, with great satisfaction, no matter how many times I thought the choice she's making is wrong. She had to do it, so she wouldn't wake up one day and wonder, _what if_..

"We had some pretty bad moments, huh?" she asks, startling me.

I swallow hard. "Yeah."

She hums silently. "Whenever I look back, I never remember those. Maybe I choose not to."

My eyes are still on us, past us, what's left of us.

She's broken, and so am I.

And I realize not much has changed.

And just like that, we're _floating floating floating_ away.

* * *

_**ELENA'S POV**_

_"That moment can't be the energy source," I hear Stefan say, his brows furrowing, "It just makes no sense."_

_I have to agree, why would that unpleasant moment be the source of our love?_

_I would voice my thoughts, but I'm still stunned by what I've just seen. I remember the moment now, vividly, I remember every word I said and every word he said, but it was weird, seeing us like that. Weirder than watching blissful moments._

_Sometimes I forget Stefan and me actually went through hard stuff. I mean, I know they have happened, but when I look back at our relationship I have a problem with recalling those moments clearly. Unpleasant ones, like this one._

_I remember my problems with Matt, vividly, like they happened yesterday. I remember all the ugly parts, all the feelings I was too scared to share with him, and all the feelings he used to scare me with because he knew exactly what he wants from life. Like he has it all figured out. I also remember every one of unpleasant things Damon did to me, every bad feeling he had ignited in me._

_And I realize why._

_Stefan and me were able to put those things behind us by talking about them. Those bad moments transformed into monumental ones, because we made them. I was never been able to be honest with Matt because I didn't want to hurt his feelings. With Damon, I don't feel like he understands me, and there are some topics which I have to treat like I'm walking on eggshells._

_I'm not saying we never had any good moments, we did, we do, but bad ones are slowly swallowing them because they're still there, unresolved. They keep coming back._

_I have no things to reproach to Stefan because I have forgiven them all._

_Wanda frowns. "I see," she clanks her teeth, "I don't see how that would be the energy source either."_

_"This is a difficult spell," the warlock, whose name I still haven't learned, says, "There's no guarantee it would even work for this situation."_

_Before my mind alerts me, I find myself saying, "Let's try again," everyone turn to me, surprised, looking at me like they forgot I'm even there. "Maybe there's something we missed."_

_Standing behind the warlock, Damon's eyes go wide with worry. "Isn't that dangerous?"_

_"Yes," the warlock is quick to answer._

_"But," Wanda adds, "Not more dangerous than them jumping in time by themselves, and that's something they do not have a control over."_

_So we agree to have another go at it. I look at Stefan and smile at him lightly. He mirrors my smile and sends it back to me, like we're sharing some secret only the two of us are aware of. I suppose we are._

_I lay down on the sofa, close my eyes and cross my hands over my stomach. I stop thinking, worrying, I stop doing anything and everything._

_The warlock starts chanting in Latin and, this time, we're going faster than the last time._

_At first, when I open my eyes, I think we traveled to the same place because the surroundings are fairly similar._

_But we're standing at the different spot, facing the other direction. We're facing the river._

_I look at Stefan and he's staring wide eyed over the edge of the bridge, at the water where something is creating ripples in it. Then we notice the bubbles, and the next thing I know there is something emerging from the water._

_It doesn't take me long to realize those are Stefan and Matt._

_I know where we are._

_This is the night that I died._

_Next to me, when he realizes it as well, Stefan tenses. His fingers wrap around the wooden fence and he keeps squeezing it until his knuckles turn white and little cracks appears in the wood. He's going to break it._

_And then, instinctively, without even thinking about it, I lay my hand over his. I can feel his cold skin, his pointy knuckles under the soft, pink strawberries of my palms. I look at him and he's already looking at me and when I give him another smile, he relaxes._

_My hand is so small on his but it seems to be covering all of the essential parts._

_Then, I move my fingers forward and they fall into the gap between his fingers. I don't squeeze his hand with mine, I have no intention to hold it, I just leave it there, watching our fingers lying next to each other, in between each other._

_We stand there intertwined, connected, we're in some other time when, moments after I chose to love him more than anyone else, so maybe we can be forgiven._

_I hope we can be forgiven._

_Stefan puts Matt's body on the shore and jumps into the water again._

_I know what's coming next. Seconds later, he appears with me._

_I gasp. I'm so wet and so pale and so.. dead._

_He's holding me close, so close, that I don't float away, and first he pulls himself on the shore then covers his body with mine._

_"Elena," I can hear him cry my name. He doesn't even say it, he cries it out loud, with that heartbreaking voice people use that you think someone is ripping their voice cords out of their throat, making their voice hush and painful and husky._

_He's checking for my pulse, but he knows he won't find any. I think he can feel it as he holds me, that I'm not there anymore. That my body doesn't feel the same and at this moment, watching myself down there, I realize I can be any one of my doppelgangers, like a blank slate._

_"Please," his voice is still the same as he drops his fingers and pulls my body up up up, until he's holding me so close to him that I think he wants to melt me into himself so both of us can disappear, "Please don't be dead," he says, and Stefan's hand, hand of present Stefan, my Stefan, even though the one down there is more mine than this one is or maybe they're equally mine, shakes under mine. I try to still it by pressing my palm harder on the top of his hand._

_"Elena, Elena, Elena," he basically sings my name, sings it out loud, "Please come back, please don't die, please don't leave," he's begging me, but I'm no longer there, I'm long gone._

_He lifts me into his arms and starts carrying me towards what I think is his car._

_And as they disappear from us, we start floating away, and we start floating from each other._


	20. Chapter 20

"Well, this was a complete bust," Damon says, this time him behind the wheel, since I'm not allowed to drive anymore until we make sure I won't make anymore time jumps. Security precautions. He looks in the rear view mirror, his eyes flashing over my face for a short instant before landing on Elena who is busy talking to Caroline. It's his way of starting a conversation, unsuccessful one. "Not to mention a waste of our time," Katherine rolls her eyes at him, aware of what he's trying to do. Her fist disappears in a bag from which she takes out a handful of crisps and shoves them into her mouth.

Next to me, Caroline is saying something to Elena, something about the way she wants to redecorate their dorm room. She has a bunch of pictures saved on her phone, and Elena is nodding her head enthusiastically at them. She seems different these days, Elena. She still seems deep into thought, like she's making some big life decision, but as of recently she seems more at ease, like she finally found a solution to whatever is bothering her.

The spell didn't work. We couldn't find any reason to why the energy source would be in either of those moments. Wanda says the moment we're looking for is where the first crack has been created. It can be either happy moment or a sad one, big one or small one, it doesn't matter. All that matters is that it's important, that moment made an impact, so when we pushed our love away, that's where it was attracted to. That's where it found home, and it started digging until it made a hole. And from that one hole became another hole, then another one and we still don't know how many of them are there.

"Still," I say, because I don't want to leave my brother hanging, "It was worth a shot. Now we can move on and try to find another way," my voice is calm, like none of this is effecting me more than anyone else in this car, except Elena.

Damon snorts, clearly mocking me. "You know of another way?"

I frown. "No," my head shakes first left, then right, just once, "But I'm sure we will find it." We always do.

"How can you find something if you don't even know how it looks like?" Katherine asks suddenly, making all of us shift our attention to her and her question.

I swallow hard. Only Elena and me can stop this. How? No one knows. There isn't a spell to stop it, no sacrifice, no instructions. We are helpless. Even if we did discover in which moment the energy source is, we wouldn't be able to recognize it, because we don't know how it looks like. No one ever confronted this kind of a thing, as far as we know. Is crack really a crack, is hole really a hole?

We have no idea what we're dealing with here, no idea how to find it, or how to stop it. This is hopeless, impossible and yet, I'm strangely calm. Like somehow, everything will work out, we're going to be where we need to be and I'll know what to do when I get there.

I'll have to know.

I mean, how many chances does a person get to save the world?

* * *

"Walk with me," Caroline pulls me aside when we arrive home, just as I'm ready to go inside and crash into my bed. I'm exhausted. These time jumps are really taking their toll on me. "I'm in need of a coffee," she growls, taking us towards a long, tight path in the woods. Still, it's faster than taking the main road downtown.

I cock my eyebrow in her direction. "We stopped for coffee, like, an hour ago." I can feel the dirt and sludge at the bottom of my shoes, trying to find their way in.

I can hear every sound, even when I'm not paying close attention. Butterflies clapping their wings, flies buzzing in the air, strong breeze torturing the leaves and branches, small animals leaving their marks on the bark of the trees. I can hear them wailing. I can hear a rabbit digging its hole and the way bones in Caroline's neck crackle when she turns her head around to look at me.

I can hear her inner mechanism working as she opens her mouth to speak. Her face is blank, serious, when she says, "Exactly. An hour ago."

She smiles at me, intertwining our hands, like she's holding onto me so the ground doesn't swallow her whole. I don't mind, I don't mind at all, so I smile back at her.

"Soooo," she says awkwardly, "We didn't have a chance to talk.." she looks at the ground, like she's too embarrassed by starting this conversation, which is a bad sign. Caroline is rarely embarrassed about anything.

"About..?"

She hesitates in taking this conversation further for quite some time, even though she's the one who started it, when she finally raises her head and levels her eyes with mine. "The way you exploded at Elena last week at Wanda's," she says quietly, like the words will hit me in the face and leave a permanent mark if she says them any louder.

Oh. That. I kinda hoped she forgot everything about it.

I kinda hoped everyone did, because I'm trying to.

I guess that's the thing with the words you say, you can't take them back, ever.

I just stare at her in silence. It stretches out to an eternity.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it," she finally says, letting go off my arm and hopping in front of me.

"It's not that," I call out for her, making her shift her attention back to me. "I just.." I hurry to catch up with her, "I just don't know what to say."

She nods, but stays silent. She keeps looking at me, though, like she's waiting for me to gather my thoughts together and finally explain the situation to her.

"It's what she said," I start walking and she follows me, standing so close to me that her shoulder is bumping against mine, "How I'm not myself anymore. I mean, I know I'm different, but how could I not be?" I swallow hard, feeling her eyes burn deep inside me. I'm too nervous too afraid too everything to look at her, so I keep my eyes straight ahead as I inhale deeply, filling my lungs with air that only feels unpleasant inside of me. "People change everyday, every single one of us. She's not the same girl I've met, either. In some aspects, she's better, and in some.." now I dare to look at her only to catch her already looking at me, intently, "She's not. But she's still Elena so there's no reason to complain."

She considers this for a moment before finally saying. "She's going through some stuff right now."

"I know."

Surprise washes over her face. "You do?"

"Yeah," I smile at her expression, "I can tell."

She looks at me in that way like she wants to say _of course you can_. Her eyes are saying so.

"I don't suppose you will tell me what's bothering her?" I try.

She smiles widely, shaking her head. "Maybe she tells you herself."

Maybe.

Maybe is good enough for me.

* * *

In the moment the ground begins to quiver we're all together in the living room, discussing our next move. At first, the feeling is pleasant, the earth starts shaking slowly, then raises its intensity, almost dropping us off of the sofa onto the floor. When I realize what's going on I look at Elena only to catch her already looking at me, but neither of us says anything. We don't let anyone know we're going away, so we disappear in silence. They will figure it out soon enough.

In the last couple of days time jumps became more frequent. Sometimes they happen few times a day, and then there are days when they don't happen at all. And whenever we go, we go in silence, like we made a pact. Maybe, secretly, we did. When we arrive wherever we're sent to, we don't feel scared or nervous anymore. We don't feel like we're on some quest, like we need to figure out why we're here. Instead, we observe. Sometimes we stay for few minutes, sometimes we're there for hours. For the first few minutes we watch the events unfold in front of our eyes, looking at our life, our actions, choices we made and words we said from a different perspective. I'm seeing myself through my own eyes and that's not how I've imagined myself at all. I'm still not sure is that a good or a bad thing. Then, we move on, and we talk. We don't talk about the past or the present, we don't talk about us or the people we know or what's currently going on in our lives. We talk about the things we see as we walk through our memories, things we have missed because we were far too busy with something else at that moment.

Sometimes it feels like us. And then, sometimes, it doesn't feel like us at all. Like we're losing ourselves in time, blending with other people, people we were, people we used to know. We're blending into our former selves and it feels so incredibly good, so I came to the conclusion that must mean enjoying it is a bad idea.

I fear, if we do it, if we blend in, if we accept that we belong here, we might never go back.

And as much as this escape from reality suits me, I know I can't stay here. I know there are things I would be leaving behind back home, and I don't want to do that.

I don't want to leave Caroline and the way she laughs when she's nervous. I don't want to miss Katherine freaking out when she discovers a first gray streak in her hair. I want to be there when they figure out the way to bring Bonnie back.

_I want to see my brother again._

And that's what makes me keep going back. Because I came to realize, as much as I love Elena, she can't be everything I need, just as I'm not everything she needs. I can't keep choosing her over myself and over other people.

We have to choose ourselves, and we have to keep choosing each other, each and every one of us.

The next time I open my eyes, I'm in the past, with Elena standing right next to me. I remember this moment, even though it's not one of those grand, intense moments we sometimes experience.

A hug, after Elena confronted Isobel in the town square. I remember her question. _Why Stefan? Why not Damon?_

I wonder would she ask it differently this time around, if she were still alive.

I'm holding my arms around her, pulling her in, and she has her arms wrapped around my waist. My lips are pressed against her forehead, probably not even kissing her anymore, just resting there, for comfort.

I remember how it used to feel when I hugged her. Or better yet, when she rushed into my arms, her body crashing against mine. The warmth of her body would transfer into mine, making me melt, making me feel like I'm holding the sun in my embrace. She felt so small there, and I knew I have to protect her. Not just because I love her, but because of million more little things I, to this day, still don't understand. I would cover her with my arms, wanting to fold her inside of me where no one can find her.

"Stefan," she says my name cautiously, tugging at the sleeve of my shirt. "Look," she points towards the past us with her eyes.

It's dark outside, and we're standing in the shade, away from the street light, so it takes me some time to notice to what she's referring to.

Behind us, there's a shadow moving, like it's examining us. And then, the shadow steps back and adapts a form, one we recognize well. Elena gasps, rather loudly.

_Silas._

He sees us or hears us or feels us there, I'm not sure which, but when he looks at us, he seems angry. He's surprised, for like a second, and then his face adapts an expression of horror. He's not surprised in a way that he can't believe he's seeing us there, but rather in a way that he can't believe he hasn't figured out sooner that we will be there.

I'm not sure what he's doing here, or how much he knows. We haven't seen, or heard from Silas for quite some time. It seemed like a blessing in disguise when we should have known he's planning something. Enemies are most dangerous when they're not attacking, it means they're planning something.

Something you can't possibly win because you're planning an attack as well, not a defense.

Elena shudders because of the way he looks at us.

Then, he grimaces and points his finger at us, yelling, "You!"

His voice creates little waves in the air, shattering the wind like it's made out of glass.

He starts moving towards us, which is when I grab Elena's hand and pull her with me when I start to run.

So we run, and run, and run, and I don't know where we're going and I can't feel my legs anymore and why hasn't he caught us yet? I can't slow down, I can't turn my head to look where he is, which is why I feel relieved when we start _falling falling falling_.

* * *

_**ELENA'S POV**_

_Everyone are yelling. My head is falling apart, my brain is too big for my head and it's only growing, swarming with thoughts. My head is a bee hive, and those thoughts sting. They're stumbling over one another, maybe because each of them wants to get answered first, or maybe because they want to escape from me as much as I want to escape from them._

_But we're stuck together._

_I almost forgot Silas is a problem for us, because recent discoveries are big enough of a problem by themselves, without Silas standing in the middle. How did he get there? How did he find us? It's our past, one he's not a part of. He shouldn't have been there, he doesn't belong there. He's polluting our memories._

_And he's coming for us. I know he is. I can feel it, because my legs want to run, and my bones feel like they're made out of ash, and there's this musty odor in the air, which is how I've always imagined death smells like before it arrives._

_He knows we're a solution to his problems. We're a key for an invisible lock and when he pushes us in it, we're going to disappear as well. But we're not going to get stuck in the past, we're going to splatter, we're going to become little particles in time, until everyone forgets we ever existed._

_He's going to do the same thing to us we did to our love, he's going to push us somewhere because he wants to forget us, so he doesn't have to look at our faces anymore. Our faces are his mistakes, and he knows it, and he wants them gone._

_It seems like an appropriate revenge. Maybe we deserve it, for doing what we did._

_Every since Wanda explained it to us, I have this image in my head, of how our love looks like._

_It looks like a child whose smile we stole. A girl with golden hair and cheeks so red, so impossibly red, and big glassy eyes, covered with tears._

_Tears of our making._

_We were supposed to take care of her, she was ours. We were supposed to teach her how to smile and that veggies are good for you, especially the green ones. She was supposed to be good at all of the things we never were. She was supposed to dance in the moonlight and heal flowers with power hiding in her fingertips. _

_You know what we did instead? We made her go away. We told her we don't need her anymore, no further explanation, not that any kind of explanation would be good enough. The only thing we gave her is silence. We pushed her in a box and sent her into the dark, abandoning her._

_And she cried and cried and cried while traveling through the universe in her little box. She cried until she drowned, until her body turned into dust which got lost in every star she passed by, and that dust was so poisonous that it created holes in the most powerful concept in the world - time._

_I was supposed to nurture her, and comb her hair, and tell her she can be whatever she wants to be. I was supposed to kiss her cheek even when she grows up._

_You know what I did instead?_

_I replaced her with another child._

_So maybe I deserve this, whatever this may be, but Stefan doesn't. So when she comes for us I want to tell her that, that he's the one who wanted to keep her, and that I'm the one who sent her away. She doesn't have to hurt him because he didn't do anything wrong._

_He never did anything wrong._

_I'm afraid. I'm afraid for myself and for Stefan and for everyone in this room. I don't want to go._

_He's coming for us. There's no more time. I can feel him, his footsteps are making the earth move. No one else can hear him, though, everyone are fighting, thinking their solution is the best one._

_Don't they know? There is no solution._

_Everyone are shouting, everyone except Stefan, who is standing there, in the middle, taking in their voices and their mashed up words. He's thinking._

_Then, he lifts his look to me, his eye boring into mine. His look is so intense that I can't help myself but steal a little bit of his fire. "Wait," he says silently, but somehow, he manages to stop everyone from talking. His eyes are still on me, like there's no one else in the room, like I'm the only person he's speaking to. "The spell, the one Bonnie thought of, what if it worked?"_

_Great, now he's going insane as well. Now we're definitely doomed._

_I frown, my cheekbones rising higher and my eyes squinting. I put my lips in an unpleasant position. "How?" I ask, my voice hoarse, shaky. I don't want everyone to know how afraid I am. "It makes no sense for those moments - "_

_I never get to finish my sentence, because he interrupts me. I don't mind, I know we're running out of time. "Not moments!" he says excitedly, like he's sure he might be on to something, "What if the energy source is not a moment itself, but something within the moment?" he asks, even though I have a feeling like he's only asking me even though there are other people in the room who might have answers as well._

_Damon looks at him doubtfully, and I furrow my brows in confusion._

_"Think, Elena!" he takes one step closer to me and for a moment there I think he's going to put his hands on my shoulders and shake me, "What did those two moments have in common?" I know he's asking me because he wants me to figure it out by myself, so he can be sure his theory makes sense._

_I close my eyes and conjure those two moments to my mind and walk through them. The moment he threatened to drive me off of the bridge, the night that I died. What do those two moments have in common?_

_My eyes fly wide open when the little bell inside of my head finally rings._

_"The Wickery Bridge," I finally whisper._

_The place where it all started. It makes sense. It would be romantic if we weren't fighting for our lives._

_Everyone's eyes go wide in surprise as they start putting pieces of the puzzle together._

_Stefan and me just keep looking at each other, because he were are. This is it._

_We have no answers, it's too late to find any, and I'm not even sure they matter. I have an explanation, one that makes and doesn't make sense all at once, and that's still not a comfort enough. So I'm sure someone telling me why this is happening wouldn't be either._

_It's here, the moment past few months were leading to._

_Tonight, I'm going to die._

* * *

We're driving towards the bridge, hoping to find something there, hoping that my theory is correct, but we're not looking for answers, it's too late for those. At this point, answers are useless. We're hoping to find the solution to our problems, we're hoping to find a way to stitch those holes up without Silas using Elena and me as two human shaped keys so he can travel in time to get reunited with the love of his life.

I'm not sure what would happen if he actually got to execute his mission. Would he stay there with her, or would he bring her here? According to Wanda, either is impossible because neither of them would belong. She belongs there, in the past, and now, he belongs here. Any other option would be indestructible. For a moment there I allowed myself to wish for an easy way out, to surrender myself to him. Partly out of sheer curiosity, partly out of fear.

I know we're not supposed to let him do that, but I don't know how to stop him. I have no idea, no idea at all.

The only thing I know is that he's coming. And that he's close.

When we get to the bridge all of us rush out of the car like maniacs. Then, we come to a halt.

Caroline is the one who asks what all of us are thinking, as usual. "How am I supposed to be looking for something when I have no idea what I'm looking for?"

We steal each others glances, hoping the person standing next to us has an answer.

"Well, if this bridge is an energy source," Katherine says, which surprises me. I'm still not used to her being helpful with things she has no benefit of. "I guess we're looking for the source." Obviously.

Damon frowns, clearly irritated by the lack of facts on the matter, "What is the source?"

"A crack in time?" Caroline proposes.

It's so rare, seeing everyone work together like this without the constant bickering.

Elena turns her back to us and walks over to the edge of the bridge. I furrow my brows at her lack of participation.

"Yeah, but how do those look like?" Damon is persistent at asking the questions no one has the answer to.

"Cracks," I wouldn't hear Elena whisper if it weren't for my super vampire hearing, which is why Katherine and Jeremy are the only ones who don't turn in her direction at the sound of her whisper. She swallows hard, audibly, "I think I've found it.."

* * *

**_ELENA'S POV_**

_I can't stop shaking from the moment we got into the car._

_I'm a coward. I want to be brave, but I'm not. I don't want to die. I don't want to leave this place, and I don't want to leave these people._

_I can smell my cowardice in the air, and I'm sure others can too._

_Once we're on the bridge, everyone are clueless about what to do, and I can feel that the end is near. I want to fight it, but my legs are already trapped in the quicksand and the only thing I can do is wait for it to swallow me whole._

_Maybe it will be painless. Maybe it will be over quickly. Maybe I won't feel anything. Maybe.._

_Maybe Stefan will be there next to me, holding my hand._

_I don't want him to be, though. I'm determined to protect him once it comes for us, whatever is coming. The fragments of our love, destiny, evil, whatever it is. He's been protecting me all these years, now it's my turn. I took away from him enough as it is._

_I turn my back to everyone and walk over to the edge of the bridge. I want to look down at the water one last time, where I almost died all those years ago. I should have died, because then, none of this is happening. But Stefan saved me._

_Like Wanda said, we're the ones who are putting things into motion, day after day. And here we are, here it is, the result of our choices. Complete and total destruction._

_Our love is destroying the world. And it's destroying us._

_At least what's left of our love._

_This is where it all started. And this is where it's going to end._

_I put my hands on the fence, and as I wrap my fingers around it, something zaps me. Something like electricity, which surges through me. The feeling is uncomfortable, unpleasant, but also familiar._

_I remove my hands to see what caused it, but the only thing I can see are small cracks in the wood, splitting the fence open. They seem familiar as well, like I've seen them before. Those exact same cracks are cut into my memory. If they were any bigger.._

_"A crack in time?" Caroline says behind my back._

_If they were any bigger, I would be able to put my finger inside of them._

_And the feeling, that unsettling feeling I've experienced few seconds ago is the same one I get when we're traveling through time. Like something is shaking me from the inside, splitting me open._

_"Yeah, but how do those look like?" Damon asks, and I laugh inside of my head at how preposterous this all is._

_"Cracks," I whisper, amused by it all._

_I recognize those cracks from the last time I was here, few days ago, when that spell sent us in time in order to find the energy source. We're at the right place after all._

_I drop my head a little so I can get a better look, which is when I see it, in the same place where the cracks are spreading over the fence. An outline, a shadow of ten fingers intertwined together, five of them visibly smaller than the other five. The place where I had put my hand over Stefan's to calm him down._

_I thought he's breaking the fence. I thought he's making those cracks because he's squeezing it too hard. But those cracks were there all along._

_While traveling in time, we left some things behind, as a proof we were there. Footprints in the mud, fingertips on the fence, reflections in the windows of stores. At one moment in time, we were existing twice, just few feet from each other._

_We were there, and we made an impact._

_A year ago, we were here twice as well, just like few days ago we were there twice as well. Time is a confusing time, so don't even try to understand it or explain it, just know this - it's brilliant. And you can't defeat it. Maybe you're not supposed to._

_"I think I've found it.." I swallow hard, scared by the impossibility of it._

_I can hear footsteps behind me, everyone are coming to look at my discovery. They're closing in around me, but Stefan is the first one who comes to stand beside me. At first, he seems confused, but then he remembers. I know he does because his eyes go wide with shock._

_I glance at everyone else who just seem confused because they don't know what we know._

_Stefan raises his look to me and says, "No way.." he sounds so young at this moment, like he's actually 17 years old._

_Everyone else are demanding answers, but we tell them there's no time for those. We ask them to trust us, and they have no other choice. Just like they have no other choice when we ask them to step back._

_Stefan and me look at each other, like we're communicating with our eyes, like we're agreeing to something. I guess we are, I guess our minds are set on the same thing, because we put our hands down on the fence at the same time. I can feel the electricity again, but other than that, nothing else happens._

_We share another look._

_He positions his hand. He nods at me for encouragement, and I place my hand on top of his._

_The earth starts moving, and with Caroline bluntly asking "Why are we moving?" I know everyone else can feel it now as well, not just the two of us. We're all moving. Under our joined hands, there's a white light, that same, blinding light which appears every time we're about to make a time jump. It's seeping between our fingers. We have to close our eyes at the intensity of it._

_After few seconds we have to remove our hands as well, because the pressure is just too much to handle. The light makes us bounce backwards, and we land on our friends who help us stay on our feet._

_When I feel like it's safe to open my eyes, I do it, only to see a big, shiny, white hole on the edge of the bridge._

_We stay quiet for a moment, until Katherine decides to break that silence, for a very good reason, though. "Guys," she says carefully, "Silas was in your last time jump, right?" she doesn't wait for the answer, she knows it already, "Which means he found a way to slip through time as well. So why not just go to Amara? He's a warlock, I'm sure he knows how to manipulate time." I hate when Katherine is being smart and rational and asking all of the important questions._

_"Maybe he can't," Damon answers, his breath cold on my neck._

_"Right," Katherine says to make her point, "He was looking for Stefan and Elena, because they're the key. To this," she points to the hole in front of us._

_Silence overpowers us once again._

_Until I hear Stefan's voice. "I know what we have to do."_

* * *

When we came here, I knew I was going to die today. I also knew I'm not going to drag Elena down with me.

Not because I love her. Not because of my craving for constant self sacrifice. Not because I want to protect her. But because this is something I have to do. I knew all along, that when the time comes, I'll know what I have to do. I'll know how to stop this.

Just like I know this is my ending. Three years ago, this is where it started. This is where I fell in love. This is where I started living again, after more than a century of hopeless wandering.

It only seems appropriate for me to die here.

There are a bunch of diaries back home in my room, full of stories. None of those matter. This here is what matters. I think of that last page in my diary that still sits unwritten, waiting to be filled. It's never going to be. Because life is not about writing things down, and neither is death.

Both are about moving, continuing. Death is not the end, I know better than to think that. Death is only the beginning.

Few months ago, I was angry at everyone on this bridge, and I was angry at the world. For forgetting me, for leaving me behind. I'm not angry anymore, because if the world wants me in its core so badly, the world will get me.

"What?" Damon asks, his eyes wide with wonder, but also fear. Everyone are so scared. I'm so scared. "How?"

"He needs us because we're the only ones who can open the doors, which we just did," I try to clarify.

"He can go through time now," Elena adds, her eyes as wide as Damon's, but not with wonder, with horror, "But we can't allow it! Wanda said - "

"I know," I say calmly, interrupting her because there's simply not enough time, "He won't go through."

She furrows her brows in confusion. "How?"

My voice gets stuck inside of my throat.

"When you open the doors, you have to close it," Katherine answers instead of me. She's a smart girl, that Katherine, she will go far, far in life. I'm sorry I won't be here to see it. "Unless you don't want all the nasty things spilling out.."

She looks at me compassionately, but also silently begging me not to do what she thinks I'm about to do. I look at her intently, informing her that I am, and she lowers her look to the ground.

She's crying.

"But how - " Elena starts, but never manages to finish her question, because I interrupt her once again.

"Things that unlock the door are usually the ones to lock it as well," I say.

I think she realized what I'm saying quite some time ago, she's just refusing to accept it. Instead, she's slowly shaking her head, her lips quivering, her eyes becoming glassy.

"Stefan.." Caroline calls my name, and I turn my head to her. She's looking at me, asking me what the hell am I thinking.

"Do you remember that one time you made me try coffee?" I ask, and she nods, tears filling her beautiful, blue eyes of which the whole sky and every drop of water is jealous, "And you said it tastes bitter, the way I drink it. Do you remember what you said after that?"

She nods. "You take your coffee the same way you take your life," she smiles, remembering the day, the moment we shared. I wish I could travel with Caroline through time, because the would could really use her twice at the same time.

I smile back at her. "I'm just not into sugar."

I have to take my eyes off of her, and the next person they fall on is my brother.

He's not crying. He never does. Instead, he's just looking at me, the way older brothers are looking at younger ones when they're about to do something stupid.

If I got trapped in time, forced to relive one moment over and over again, I know which one I would choose. I know what moment I would like to relive over and over again through the whole eternity.

_I would play ball with my brother._

So I take a step forward. Then another one. And another one. And few more until I'm standing only few steps away from the hole.

"Stefan!" Elena says my name, walking towards me. She stops only a step away from me, only my shoe size dividing us.

My shoe size and the whole history. My shoe size and the world.

"You don't have to do this," she tells me.

The thing is, I do. I don't have time to explain it to her. I'm not sure it even matters. She'll just have to trust me on this one.

If I answer her, she will say something back, and if I hear her voice one more time, I'll change my mind. I'll turn around and let the world burn just so her voice doesn't have to crack anymore.

So I don't say anything. I don't even say goodbye.

Maybe because, with us, there's no goodbye. Maybe because, there are several moments in history, where we're twice. If you look closely, maybe you'll see us, always together, so happy, so in love, that we had to do it twice.

So I turn around and take few more steps, until everything disappears.

* * *

_**ELENA'S POV**_

_I stare at the hole in which he disappeared into. He made it seem so easy._

_It starts closing, slowly. It doesn't even need me to close, even though I'm the key as much as he is. I can walk away. I don't have to die. I don't have to leave._

_"Elena," Damon calls my name, "Come here."_

_I don't come. I just keep staring at it, at the hole which is getting smaller and smaller with every passing second. It's still bigger than the human form, and I wonder how much time will it take for it to be smaller than a bean, until it finally disappears._

_I wonder where Stefan is._

_I came here to die, and now I don't have to. I should be happy._

_I miss him. I already miss him, because this time, he's really gone. He was never really gone before. He might have been away, but never gone. Now I can feel that he's not here, and I feel like someone ripped away a part of me. Stefan shaped part of my body._

_"Elena," Damon says my name again, and my eyes fill with more tears. "We will find a way to bring him back."_

_I thought I will die tonight. But maybe I won't. Maybe I don't have to._

_Maybe, tonight, is when I finally start to live again._

_I turn to him, tears in my eyes, and his look, the one I meet, is desperate._

_"Damon," I say his name like I'm saying I'm sorry._

_Like I'm saying goodbye._

_"No," he starts shaking his head, his face hard, determined. "You don't have to do this," he says._

_"I know," I nod, "But we can't leave - " I start to say, when I realize that's not true, that's not what I wanted to say at all. "I can't leave him alone," I correct myself, "Not again."_

_I don't want to die._

_I don't want to leave these place._

_I don't want to leave these people._

_But I don't want to leave Stefan either. And they, they have each other. Stefan is all alone. I'm not even sure where he is, or is he alive at all._

_"Elena," Jeremy steps towards me, and I flinch. There are so many things I've been fighting for here, people I've been trying to save, and now I'm planning to leave them all._

_"No," I step back, "Don't try to stop me," because if anyone could, it's my brother._

_His looks hardens before it softens and he looks at me like he understands why I'm doing this. And now I know he's not going to stop me. "Bonnie says time is tricky, and that there's no guarantee you will find him. There's a chance you won't even end up in the same place."_

_I consider this before answering, "But there's also a chance I will."_

_I hope Jeremy understands this as well, or at least that Bonnie does. Maybe she can explain it to him._

_Maybe this is how it was always supposed to end. Stefan and me, together, like the fingers of one hand._

_Stefan and me, like lines on your palm, never ending._

_Stefan and me, like an unfinished sentence._

_This is me, putting a full stop at the end of it._

_I am brave._

_So I jump in._

* * *

**_AN: Well, this chapter is longer than the others, but I know you don't mind :) Thank you on your reviews and ongoing support, I really appreciate it! And in case anyone is wondering, this is NOT the end of this story. I hope you enjoyed this chapter, xoxo_**


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